Monday, July 31, 2006

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I just heard Greenday's Wake Me Up When September Ends on the radio. Unfortunately, since I've moved all I can listen to music on is a small tv/radio combo that currently doesn't pick up any television stations so the quality isn't very good.

Given that this area has what is typically oppressive humidity during the summer and we've been in something of a heat wave, it's been tempting to sleep through a couple of weeks until cooler temperatures arrive. I won't get into a debate on the various merits of Greenday's music. At least when it comes to music, I realized fairly young that I'll listen to whatever I want and if that includes The Beatles twenty years after they were popular so be it. (Not that I am old enough to have listened to The Beatles when they were still recording music. Heck, John Lennon's assassination occurred three years after I was born.)

Now although it would be tempting to sleep so long, humans are not naturally hibernating creatures. Besides, the bar across the street from my apartment would probably wake me up late night in Mid-August.

But in a more metaphorical sense I have been sleeping for most of my life. Sleeping to the truth of the church, ignoring the nightmares when it came to questions of my own identity and just generally not being involved in the world at large.

Certainly, finding out the church wasn't the truth it claimed to be was a rude awakening, even if I'd lapsed into a comfortable agnosticism for many years and had become inactive. Do you ever why the church simply can't remove members who no longer attend rather than trying to reactivate them? It'd be so much easier on everyone. I don't know if our names are still on roles in Salt Lake somewhere included in their boasting or not. It's simply not that important to me. Everyone who does the research knows the church's numbers are about 1/3rd of the twelve million people it claims.

I must admit the temptation to quote the horrible Dune movie here is overwhelming Fortunately, I'll spare you. If you've seen the version that came out in the early 1980's you know how lame it is. If you haven't, just read the book. It's a more rewarding experience. But usually sometime in early adulthood our internal sleeper does awaken and we find ourselves confronting questions about religion, sexuality, our place in the universe, and what if any, is our purpose in life.

It's a confusing process and I must say for me it occurred somewhat later than it should have for others. Whether this is common for Mormons in general or whether I'm just a late bloomer, I can't really say. Certainly there were some denial issues.

Apparently I had to deal and still deal with my own equivalent of internalized homophobia. I didn't want to admit I had issues simply because I didn't want to be part of what was considered the 'queer' community.

I'm not sure what to do about this sort of self-hatred unfortunately. It still exists within me. Perhaps bringing it up in counseling might bring about some sort of direction in fixing the problem if that is at all possible. At least I know I am not alone in this. Religion tends to foster this sort of guilt in people the fundamentalist denominations feel need “fixed” in someway. And such denominations usually have snake oil salesman willing to try to sell people their Jesus as the magical cure all.

I know therapy can bring some people with gender issues to the point of being able to deal with it, but with like many other mental conditions, it's not a cure it's simply learning to deal with an existing condition, like I've learned to deal or not deal with my Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Groups I never thought I'd be a member of...

I must admit when I started this I never intended to be what is part of Outer Blogness. I also intended to intertwine serious posts with more light posts more often than I do.

I must admit that although the title bugged me at first, I do not mind being part of “Outer Blogness.” It's amazing how comfortable I can be with being a part of a group whose existence I never even guessed until about a week ago seeing Viva Ned Flanders complain about not being part of another group whose existence I had not guessed of called the Bloggernacle.

Now if Viva Ned Flanders wants to be part of this, I feel they should be. Whether the church likes it or not, New Order Mormons are a growing phenomenon.
Well, I feel for them, and if the fine folks over there ever decide to come over to Outer Blogness, we should certainly welcome them.

But discussions like this make me wonder what other groups I may be a part of and am simply not aware of. Let's see I'm aware of being left-handed, Ex-Mormon, Deist, role player, currently and to my shame a McDonald's employee (although this has been a great if unintentional weight loss tool. No, I can't explain it but I'm nearly down two pants sizes.), blogger, and several others I'm forgetting. But is there some secret cabal of left-handed, Ex-Mormon transgendered folks that I've been included in that I don't know about? If so, I want in now. If it's anything like my inclusion in the Outer Blogness category I'll probably stumble into the meetings by completing the initiation rituals without ever realizing that I had in fact done so. It probably involves obscure Latin quotes somewhere, or at least I hope so.

I suppose this happens to us all of the time. Certainly, at birth we get assigned to groups we never actually chose to be a member of (white, black, Asian, Native American, male, female, Mormon, Jewish, member of our particular family, etc.) But usually as we go through life we typically choose our associations thereafter. So, I find the situation with the blogging category I fall into slightly amusing.

Friday, July 28, 2006

They Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

I sometimes like to take walks at night during the summer. One reason for this is because it's cooler, although I still have to deal with the typically oppressive humidity of Pennsylvania's summers. The other reason for this is because I am more by nature a night owl than a person who will willingly wake up in the morning to the sound of an alarm clock.

Still, the walks through my hometown let me see what has changed over the years and it is not always for the better in my opinion, although changes themselves are inevitable. Probably one of the changes I like the least happened a long time ago.
When I was younger, I used to play in a playground that belonged to what used to be the town's High School. The High School had long since moved and the building was closed, but the borough then maintained it. The road on a hill leading down to it was too difficult to plough, so it was closed off during the winter and I used to go sledding down that particular hill.

Someone bought it when I was in High School and the place is now a retirement center. Now, instead of the playground behind the school, there's a parking lot.

Towards the other end of the town, there used to be a shoe factory. As a result, most of the streets going down that particular hill are one way to discourage people from using them. The shoe factory has long since closed and new businesses have occupied the building, yet the legacy of the confusing one way streets remains even though most people will no longer remember why all those streets are one way downhill to begin with.

The Junior High I went to is now a Middle School which my nephew will be attending this fall, and the physical therapy center on the corner of the block where I live used to be a drug store.

Changes in life are inevitable. I myself am not immune although most of the changes I've made in my life have been for the better, or at least I hope that that is the case. I'm certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago, but then ten years ago I was in denial about so many things it wasn't even funny. I have since faced some of my psychological problems and have become more stable as a result. (Although at times I wonder exactly how stable this is.)

But if I hadn't changed, I would be rather miserable and angry instead of the calmer and somewhat easy-going person I am now. It's not that I don't get angry or passionate about things, it's just that I get angry about much less now and there tends to be a far more valid reason for it, rather than just snapping out because years of mistreatment had left me bitter. It is for this reason when I cross someone who seems to have a lousy temper, I often wonder what in the past had happened to them. True, some people just have horrible tempers to begin with, but there's often something else going on. In my case the anger was a mask for my anxiety. It was much better to appear courageous and upset than afraid.

I have touched many times on the value of introspection, and because of introspection I can sometimes recognize flaws in myself that need to be changed. Unfortunately, I do not perceive myself through unbiased filters, so I recognize its limits as well and do not automatically discount someone who tells me something about myself I disapprove of. Instead, I try to remember if others have said something similar. If so, the person may have a point, if not, they're probably just saying it to be mean.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Fear and Doubt

I wonder if I'd have an easier time deciding what to write about today if I smoked pot. Drugs are something I've never had any real desire to do, thankfully. Still, there are times when writer's block hits and you realize there's very little you can do about, except write on crappily and hope you hit upon something. Maybe I should give up on trying to post once a day. It's not like this is a daily column and I have to write it.

I realize my spiritual journey has been stalled and I have made little progress since I entered the fear stage. This is sort of the thing that keeps me from moving forward in most areas when I really need to make progress and it is something that I must overcome.

It's been the same way throughout most of my life. I always hold myself back instead of doing what might be best for me because I'm afraid of how others will view me. I know I shouldn't care, but this is one of those earliest training things that is so hard to shake off. How often is a young Mormon told that he or she should avoid even the appearance of evil? As slightly twisted things go, this is better than the attitude of “Endure to the End.” (How many Mormons does this keep miserable because they don't do anything to improve the situations they find themselves in? Just
continue as things are and you'll be rewarded sometime after you die.)

Add to that considerable self-doubt and doubt about religious experiences related to a family drama that occurred two years ago. I feel that I should be over it, but find it still affects me. Is there anyway to get past fear and self-doubt other than conquering it? Probably not. I just wish there was some magical courage pill that would just cause these issues to go away, but much like my poor coordination, it'll probably continue to plague me for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

On Writing

I don't know how many bloggers blog because writing is one of their hobbies. I'm certainly one and have found a way to make it pay slightly, too. While I'd love to write full time professionally, I have not been able to find a way to do it yet. Whether this because I do not write well enough, haven't put enough effort into it, or my range of interests is too limited in scope is a matter I have to decide for myself.

But the truth is most blogs I come across bore me. Sometimes this is because I'm simply not interested in the topic, or other times they are written so poorly even allowing for the lower level of writing quality you see on blogs in general that they do not hold my interest. I will not name any such blogs. The blogs I link to are almost always well-written. For this reason it annoys me when I see an error that could have easily been corrected by me if I had taken a little time to proofread. (For example I used “conversed” instead of “converted” in a recent entry.) Hopefully, typing my entries up in OpenOffice before hand and editing them a few hours later will help cut down on this sort of thing. (Good grief, will Blogger ever introduce a program that will let me post my OpenOffice files directly? It exists for Word.)

I'm sure anyone who has even a casual interest in writing will tell you that there are times when they just know something that they've written is good. Rarely do they cry out, “Here, look at this brilliant peace of literature I've written you uneducated morons.” It's enough for them to know what they have produced is good.

Part of this has to do with what I like to think of as the metaphysics of writing. Even non-fiction tends to be a subconscious process at times where the words just flow from your mind to your fingertips and out through the pen or keyboard. As a side effect of this, particularly if you are writing about yourself you will often express emotions you're feeling but may not have intended to in this relatively free form style.
If you let your own likes, dislikes, feelings come out, your writing will be better. Even if you're an angry ranter, at least it will be a good rant. What you don't want to do is say before hand, “I'm going to put these emotions into this piece.” It simply doesn't work like that, although your frame of mind before sitting down may contribute greatly.

And if you blog, don't just do it because you think it's cool or feel you should. Your readers want to see you be passionate about something. They want to know that you believe what you say. They may not always agree with you and you may get angry letters or comments from them, but strangely enough, they'll probably continue coming back to see what you have to say even if this is the case.

Monday, July 24, 2006

A Guest Post

I have not written today's post. Instead, I asked someone to share her experiences with her religion, given that my own writings tend to be slanted against Mormonism slightly and give only one perspective. She comes from a Pentecostal background, which seems to be just as Fundamentalist as the Mormon outlook, although they differ lightyears from each other in theology. Brittany Sue is a bit shy about her writing, so go easy on her if you leave comments.
-Melanie, aka The Sinister Porpoise

by Brittany Sue

I sat on the pew and squirmed as the well-meaning Pentecostal Preacher drove home the clothesline doctrine. My fear of God made me want to jump up and run out as I listened to the sermon on effeminate men.

I thought back to the days of my youth. Memories of being picked on and friendless for being "girlish" came to mind along with those of long evenings alone reading my Bible.

Jesus was my Lord and my hero. I longed for the wisdom of Solomon and the strength of Samson. Inside I felt like Esther and wondered what it would be like to be a damsel in a king's harem to please him alone.

It was my mother that taught me to cook and clean house. Later she taught me to sew. She was my friend and role model. In later years when depression and suicidal thoughts came she was my drinking buddy. It was Jesus that brought her words to mind in those days. It was she that told me that if I always trusted the Lord he would see me through unto the end.

I sat through many sermons like that. The words that were preached spoke out about the very things that I had no control over. They stayed long after the service was over. What should have been beautiful, glorious and comforting brought pain and guilt instead.

The guilt of knowing that I would have loved to be able to wear the beautiful long dresses and shake the tambourines was comforted only by the inner peace of as I beheld my Lord in the Laws and prophets.

The men of the church meant no harm with their male-dominant talk. It tore at me and I tried to fit in but as with sports and the military, I just couldn't be like them.

They wanted to keep their wives in subjection and backed the doctrine that kept their wives in long hair and long dresses. The things I longed for.

They strove to "be the man" and the "head of their house." I fought to hide my feminine mannerisms and not betray my inner feelings.

In time the Lord would take me through many scriptures to comfort me as the churches rejected me. As he comforted me he took me beyond the limitations of their doctrines.

My longing to be a bride was revealed as a longing to wear the white gown of his righteousness and to be veiled from head to foot with the covering of his spirit.

My longing to be as Esther in the harem, or house of women was revealed to be my desire to dwell in the kingdom of God forever.

Step by step he comforted me and just as the word of God is line upon line I saw how he was with me all along.

Just as Paul prayed about a thorn in his flesh and received no healing so did I.

I am one of many stars that differ in glory for is will. I can go and share my Lord where many straight people can't.

I am as the filth of the world and as the off scouring of all things. I am saved.

The Ex-Mormon Blogosphere is a bit like talk radio...

I listen to talk radio. I consider it one of my vices, but it's a fairly harmless one. Despite the bad press they get most talk radio show hosts are not hate mongers, they're just expressing a different viewpoint, although there are exceptions like Michael Savage, and I even listen to him. (Not too often, his ranting gets on my nerves after awhile.)

If there's one thing I don't get it's why they don't like the blogsophere. It's not like we're even serious competition to them. Most blogs have a few readers and are posted to by relatively unknown individuals. I understand political opposition to the bloggers who disagree with them, but they spend way too much time giving too much attention to a relatively small and not widely read medium. Perhaps it's because the blogsophere can represent a threat to them. One which ironically, they help create by drawing attention to the lone blogger slogging away at a keyboard. The reaction the media has to them is much the same the talk radio shows have to us. Perhaps it's understandable.

What I don't understand is why I should be included in this mess since I rarely comment on political issues here. I don't even update the political related blog I do have all that often. If I'm personally attacking them, they're free to attack back, although I have greater options for suing since I am not a public figure, but if I leave them alone, why should I be included with those who do have an ax to grind with the radio talk show hosts?

I can understand if Mormons wanted to send me hate mail. I do after all occasionally attack the church, and my mindset was the same as theirs was before I left. If you ever read Recovery from Mormonism, many ex-Mormons still maintain a defensive mindset about their new beliefs, rather than shaking off the training and learning to think a little about the new possibilities that are open to them for studying other religions now that they no longer need to worry themselves about absolute truth.
In fact, many of them decide on atheism as an absolute truth and expect others to come to the same conclusion. I'll acknowledge the possibility that there may not be a God, although I do believe in one. In fact, Ex-Mormon website owners are often like the radio talk show hosts themselves. We're sometimes loud and opinionated and a few of us spend too much time trying to expose the church as a fraud. Some of us greatly exaggerate the truth to do so. At least most of the bloggers I link to are reasonable. (One may not be, but he has a right to be in that particular list of links.)

We're also unfortunately, like the radio talk show hosts, usually preaching to the choir. We're not going to change the mind of any believer if they truly want to believe. Although I know many of you are not avid fantasy readers like I am, the Wizard's First Rule (also a book by Terry Goodkind) applies: “People can be made to believe any lie either because they want it to be true or are afraid it might be.” Whether the lie part applies to them or us is subject to debate, unfortunately a detailed study reveals that the lie part applies to both sides of the issue. It's why it is necessary to sort through any Mormonism information you find online and check the validity of its sources.

But in the end although the anger over being lied to is understandable, it does not help our cause if we cannot present our case in as calm and rational a manner as possible. It helps if you can write well, too. (Fortunately, I have very little to criticize in that area about the blogs that I link to.) The truth will come out, it's just a matter of getting it out there and being patient. Remember, True Believing Mormons don't want to learn their entire belief system is based on a lie. I know I certainly didn't

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Another blog I found...

(Note: If you click the ads, please do me a favor and do not click on CrispAds. They seem to be having problems processing payments. If you don't, well, I can't force you, but I do make a habit of clicking other blogger's ads when I see them.)

I have to admit the last blog entry was somewhat painful to write, and even to me not all that interesting. Of course, the entries dealing with my more personal entries to this blog are often difficult for me and deal a lot with a personal angst which at times even I find irritating.

Not much can be done about it though, the situation is often confusing for the individual, and unlike others I have not been able to find peace in some fashion with who and what I am. Perhaps it's because I'm the type of person who will dwell too much on issues rather than do something about them. For various reasons, it is one I'm uncomfortable broaching with people. Much like the possible recommendation that a friend I've had for years should see a therapist because he's been depressed ever since I've known him. Most people take offense if you suggest they see a shrink. Even though he knows of the issues I personally have and the issues that led up to my mother's death, it's still not something I'd do lightly.

Even when I resolve to take a leap forward, I still hold myself back and often feel stupid for doing so. How can I expect to make any progress if I don't communicate how I feel to others? I'm not talking about this blog. Most of the people who comment here are wonderful and supportive of my eccentricities.

Yet even though I've floundered about, people still found this site worthy of submitting to directories. I'm not sure why. I'm just one blogger out of many and I'm sure other people explain the situation slightly better and with less fear showing through their posts. I've included one such link right above the Carnival of the Veil bloggers links. I think on the whole she gives a better idea of what its like to actually go through the process. I haven't found many specifically tg blogs, and if I find one worthy of mention, I'll link to it. Click the link to Lilac's Garden if you need a little more information.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Possible reasons for my celibacy

I'm celibate. It's something people really don't understand when you tell them. Being gay or straight they can understand, but having no interest in sex seems completely alien and they assume I'm either lying or something is wrong with me psychologically.

I won't argue that there's something wrong with me psychologically, in fact I wonder if my lack of interest in sex in general has psychological roots, but I'd be wrong to entirely discount the role of the Mormon church when it comes to me not expressing any sort of interest in what is one of the strongest instincts in any sort of animal. There's probably additional irony in that the animal I use for my screen name, like humans, is one of the few that will have sex for fun.

(The Sinister Porpoise although on hiatus would like to remind you all he doesn't share Melanie's opinions or proclivities in this area.)

In fact, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is one of the few where it's expressly implied that men are to remain virgins before marriage and will get lessons of indoctrination that may or may not, like it did to me, leave me afraid of the act itself and viewing it as a dirty thing. I don't know if that's the only reason I have no interest, but it certainly is a major factor in my decision not to seek romantic partners. I think it's also a subconscious desire to avoid the sort of relationship my parents had. I suppose Freud would have a field day with me, but then any psychologist or psychiatrist could write a ground breaking book on my family in general.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

4000 visitors

Since this blog has been up, I've had about 4,000 visitors. I don't have an exact count due to problems with the counters – one didn't count all the hits and was recently hacked and the one that just counted them no longer works and has since been removed from the site.

What I often find most strange are the searches I get. Although this is changing, the vast majority of them have been for song lyrics. A good number have been for Mormonism, and I got a few people searching for the name of someone who left a comment here. Site meters are in fact a useful tool to let you see who has been visiting your website. I'm also surprised to see my site has been submitted to several directories, as I'm sure I didn't do it.

I'm appreciative of those who helped keep this blog going. I wasn't sure that'd survive so long and I'm also amazed that almost no one who knows me in real life has discovered my secret.

Of course, I'm bragging, who wouldn't? Almost every blog I've seen has some point where they celebrate whether it's the 100th post, 1000th visitor, or just some life milestone they took. It is also roughly the anniversary of when I got my exit letter, causing me to exit the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints officially. (Note to ye Blogger Editors: Leave this alone. I don't care how the church wants to refer to itself. That's the name it had when I was growing up. They can deal with it.)

But the truth is that you've read this far is that such posts are boring, I mean, yeah 4,000 visitors is great for me, but do you really care? Probably not. If you're a blogger, you're more interested in the success of your own blog. It's not selfish, it's just enlightened self-interest.

Now, according to the archives, this blog was started last September. It was a way for me to work out issues and just in general get some frustrations out. It's focus has shifted slightly, I don't think I originally intended to talk so much about previous religious affiliations, but as Robert Burns said, “the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley.”

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Internal conflict

I must admit I still feel a lot of guilt for feeling the way I do. I also fear that some day my secret will come out to the people I call friends. While the blessing of such a situation may be finding out who my true friends are. At times I'm tempted to tell them although my usual fear of their reaction keeps my tongue in check. Which if you know me, it is in fact strangely silent for me to be silent on any topic around people I know. I guess we all have our secrets. At work, there's only one person who knows anything about my religious past, although I could have “outed” myself in this regard when I almost corrected someone for using “Mormon” to mean “moron.” Fortunately, prudence stopped me.

Of course, living in the Internet age is wonderful. You can quickly find information on any topic through a few quick keystrokes. Of course, it may not always be reliable information as anyone forced to do most of their Mormonism research online will tell you. Thankfully, I do not intend to discuss anything Mormon related today so please forgive the slight slip there. Back on track, I must admit that I've hated myself for a long time. Apparently, it's quite common among people who the documents from what I assume to be psychiatrists call “non-heteronormative.”

Still, I can't get over the feeling of guilt for wanting to be female. True, religion can mess up your mind in this regard, but it's not just that in this case. Like it or not, we do soak up the attitudes of those around us. We may consciously reject them, but something will still nag at our subconscious or a different part of your mind.

My father is and was severely homophobic. I don't really blame him, he's generally a good person but even good people can be misguided. I've mentioned before his rants against Elton John whenever he'd appear on television. At times I think it'd be disappointing to him should I tell him. (As a side note, there was a story about him getting hit on by gays. For years we just thought gay men went after him. A little bit of the story came out later. It turns out he was in a gay bar when it happened. Well, I don't know what he was doing there, but it doesn't seem he has a right to be offended by the actions of others in this case.) I think whether he realized it or not, he contributed to my own feelings of guilt and self-loathing that I still can't quite overcome.

I don't know if it'll cause a family rift or not, at the same point I find myself no longer wanting to continue trying to fight myself over it. Whether I like it or not, I've got issues and they simply aren't going to go away by my ignoring of them. You'd think as an avoidant personality I'd know from experience that that doesn't work, but on the other hand, it's also if I'm using the correct term my “comfort zone.” Of course, on the other hand, the internal struggle although familiar isn't really a comfort zone for me. At times I feel like I really don't want to be transgendered and wish the feelings would go away. Well, experience has at least taught me that it doesn't quite work like that no matter how much I or others may wish it.

The truth is I'm getting sick of having to hide it all the time. I just want to be myself more often and wish circumstances were such that that could be possible all the time.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Weird Aspects of Mormonism

In some ways I realize I was lucky to be born into the church. No, I'm not stating that I somehow was more valiant in some pre-mortal existence and was lucky enough to be born into a Mormon family. Of course, the implication there would be that my parents who conversed were somehow less righteous than I was. That may or may not be true, as I realize over the years I do have my own moral failings, which have nothing to do with the things I focus on on this site.

It's okay, I've learned not to be perfect over the years, but many who read this are wondering why I'd consider myself lucky to be born into the Church. I have a great love for weird things, so much so that I can spend on hours on sites like David Ickes where he claims that there's a reptilian conspiracy and the Mormon leadership is in on it, but studying church history has let me know there's enough weirdness within the church itself without having to make up wild conspiracy theories. I mean how many religions can tell you the planet God lives on?

Of course a lot of the weirdness has been shied away from and if not actively denied, it is no longer taught like the Adam-God doctrine and some things while I'm not entirely sure are true, I'm convinced if they were said they were said because the church leaders knew the people who followed them would believe anything they said. In this category are the infamous quaker men on the moon. I'm sorry but I really don't think Brigham Young believed that and the scientists of his day probably did know that the moon was lifeless. Blood Atonement isn't necessarily weird, but for obvious reasons, I'm glad it was discarded as a doctrine of the church.

Not to mention the bizarre ideas like God impregnating Mary which I must admit I was never taught and the church seems to have shifted now more to the idea of the immaculate conception although I've had several people theorize that it was artificial insemination. Add to that other ideas about supernatural sex including the assumption that spirits are produced through the same act through which people are produced. (No wonder the church is so bent on opposing any issues that don't lead to more spirits in the celestial kingdom. But with all the gods there creating premortal spirits with their multiple wives, don't you think it's getting a little crowded?) Too bad the church is strangely silent on how long the gestation period for spirits is and whether or not women will have periods in heaven. I do recall being told that if we made it into the celestial kingdom to check our pants because that part of the body would still work. (You may find this blasphemous, but remember, according to Mormon doctrine, I'm already going to the Telestial Kingdom.)

And what discussion of Mormon weirdness would be complete without a discussion of garments. (My sister tie-dyed a pair of my father's once, I can only imagine the rant that ensued.) I mean yes, people wear things like crosses or holy symbols all the time believing that they'll give protection, but isn't underwear a little bulky? I realize one of this is to ensure modest standards of dress, but the garments make me glad I never went to a temple. I like wearing shorts.

Of course as much as I love weirdness, it doesn't change the fact that I probably wouldn't smoke or drink even outside of the church because my parents didn't, but of course, the fact that I don't know and have pretty much curbed swearing will probably mean to a Mormon that I really still accept the gospel deep down and should return back into the fold.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

A strange trip

I went to the store a few days ago. This in itself is not unusual, I do it every so often but my intent was. I actually intended to go there to buy women's clothing. I must admit that I'll often look at the racks in the stores, but go past them for fear of what others will think.

Partly this is because I live in a small town where everyone knows everybody else. I just don't want to hear any rumors about the cross dresser. If there are a few people in the town who do and do so in public I'm blissfully unaware of them. Then again, I'm not the type who would talk to most of the people in my hometowhn. They're the NASCAR, Beer and country music types which I have little in common with. Although I may be slightly religious, I'd probably not hang out with the more fundamentalist Christian types. There are a few who can carry on discussions about history but not many and even if they do, it's mostly about World War II.

In any case, I've gotten slightly off track. I walk to the store which is roughly about a mile or two from where I live in walk in. There are a couple people there as I deliberately chose a time when it'd be late in the day to avoid as many people as possible.

What I purchased really doesn't matter as I don't intend to go out in public like that, but strangely enough that clerk said nothing. He looked at me a little strangely but that was about it. Still, I think I'd prefer to keep purchasing non-traditional clothing online and hope it comes in packages where it's contents aren't easily identifiable.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Well, I have Internet access back and I'm happy about it. I missed the Carnival of the Veil last week, but for now that's okay I'll be back in it next week I think. The reasons for it are pretty much as stated. I could not access this blog from the library although I found out I could post to it via e-mail. Well, as I was focuessed more on getting things set up I wasn't too worried about posting here.

While I still will participated in the Carnival of the Veil, I just don't want to turn my site over to Mormonism exclusively. I've written quite a bit about it as befits someone who was raised in the religion, but this site is also about other things that interest me.

I also found myself falling into a common trap of doing something just because I felt I had to and thought that's what others would want to read about. Admittedly, I don't much care for Boyd K. Packer, but I don't need to dwell on him either.

I'll now have slightly more time to devote to blogging and less need to worry about someone reading over my shoulder. Not to mention that as the time of year heads away from events of two years ago that led up to my mother's death I find myself coming out of the funk I was in. Well, I'll be back later.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

What's been going on...

Well, the phone will be hooked up today. I may
not be able to get online from home yet because it
seems the modem I took out of an older Gateway
computer will not work in my younger, but still aging

The move has been completed at least for the most
part and I don't have that to worry about, on the
other hand it seems I can only post via e-mail and I
absolutely hate the way Yahoo adds the taglines to any
message you send.

Well, I'll be back up in a few days I hope when
I've got the new modem in and my people PC access

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