The Internal conflict

I must admit I still feel a lot of guilt for feeling the way I do. I also fear that some day my secret will come out to the people I call friends. While the blessing of such a situation may be finding out who my true friends are. At times I'm tempted to tell them although my usual fear of their reaction keeps my tongue in check. Which if you know me, it is in fact strangely silent for me to be silent on any topic around people I know. I guess we all have our secrets. At work, there's only one person who knows anything about my religious past, although I could have “outed” myself in this regard when I almost corrected someone for using “Mormon” to mean “moron.” Fortunately, prudence stopped me.

Of course, living in the Internet age is wonderful. You can quickly find information on any topic through a few quick keystrokes. Of course, it may not always be reliable information as anyone forced to do most of their Mormonism research online will tell you. Thankfully, I do not intend to discuss anything Mormon related today so please forgive the slight slip there. Back on track, I must admit that I've hated myself for a long time. Apparently, it's quite common among people who the documents from what I assume to be psychiatrists call “non-heteronormative.”

Still, I can't get over the feeling of guilt for wanting to be female. True, religion can mess up your mind in this regard, but it's not just that in this case. Like it or not, we do soak up the attitudes of those around us. We may consciously reject them, but something will still nag at our subconscious or a different part of your mind.

My father is and was severely homophobic. I don't really blame him, he's generally a good person but even good people can be misguided. I've mentioned before his rants against Elton John whenever he'd appear on television. At times I think it'd be disappointing to him should I tell him. (As a side note, there was a story about him getting hit on by gays. For years we just thought gay men went after him. A little bit of the story came out later. It turns out he was in a gay bar when it happened. Well, I don't know what he was doing there, but it doesn't seem he has a right to be offended by the actions of others in this case.) I think whether he realized it or not, he contributed to my own feelings of guilt and self-loathing that I still can't quite overcome.

I don't know if it'll cause a family rift or not, at the same point I find myself no longer wanting to continue trying to fight myself over it. Whether I like it or not, I've got issues and they simply aren't going to go away by my ignoring of them. You'd think as an avoidant personality I'd know from experience that that doesn't work, but on the other hand, it's also if I'm using the correct term my “comfort zone.” Of course, on the other hand, the internal struggle although familiar isn't really a comfort zone for me. At times I feel like I really don't want to be transgendered and wish the feelings would go away. Well, experience has at least taught me that it doesn't quite work like that no matter how much I or others may wish it.

The truth is I'm getting sick of having to hide it all the time. I just want to be myself more often and wish circumstances were such that that could be possible all the time.