Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Internal conflict

I must admit I still feel a lot of guilt for feeling the way I do. I also fear that some day my secret will come out to the people I call friends. While the blessing of such a situation may be finding out who my true friends are. At times I'm tempted to tell them although my usual fear of their reaction keeps my tongue in check. Which if you know me, it is in fact strangely silent for me to be silent on any topic around people I know. I guess we all have our secrets. At work, there's only one person who knows anything about my religious past, although I could have “outed” myself in this regard when I almost corrected someone for using “Mormon” to mean “moron.” Fortunately, prudence stopped me.

Of course, living in the Internet age is wonderful. You can quickly find information on any topic through a few quick keystrokes. Of course, it may not always be reliable information as anyone forced to do most of their Mormonism research online will tell you. Thankfully, I do not intend to discuss anything Mormon related today so please forgive the slight slip there. Back on track, I must admit that I've hated myself for a long time. Apparently, it's quite common among people who the documents from what I assume to be psychiatrists call “non-heteronormative.”

Still, I can't get over the feeling of guilt for wanting to be female. True, religion can mess up your mind in this regard, but it's not just that in this case. Like it or not, we do soak up the attitudes of those around us. We may consciously reject them, but something will still nag at our subconscious or a different part of your mind.

My father is and was severely homophobic. I don't really blame him, he's generally a good person but even good people can be misguided. I've mentioned before his rants against Elton John whenever he'd appear on television. At times I think it'd be disappointing to him should I tell him. (As a side note, there was a story about him getting hit on by gays. For years we just thought gay men went after him. A little bit of the story came out later. It turns out he was in a gay bar when it happened. Well, I don't know what he was doing there, but it doesn't seem he has a right to be offended by the actions of others in this case.) I think whether he realized it or not, he contributed to my own feelings of guilt and self-loathing that I still can't quite overcome.

I don't know if it'll cause a family rift or not, at the same point I find myself no longer wanting to continue trying to fight myself over it. Whether I like it or not, I've got issues and they simply aren't going to go away by my ignoring of them. You'd think as an avoidant personality I'd know from experience that that doesn't work, but on the other hand, it's also if I'm using the correct term my “comfort zone.” Of course, on the other hand, the internal struggle although familiar isn't really a comfort zone for me. At times I feel like I really don't want to be transgendered and wish the feelings would go away. Well, experience has at least taught me that it doesn't quite work like that no matter how much I or others may wish it.

The truth is I'm getting sick of having to hide it all the time. I just want to be myself more often and wish circumstances were such that that could be possible all the time.


At Thu Jul 20, 07:36:00 AM 2006 , Blogger C. L. Hanson said...

I don't know if you've covered this somewhere on your blog, but is there a reason you can't move out of your small town and into a city?

I think you would be a lot happier if you were surrounded by a more diverse and cosmopolitan crowd.

At Thu Jul 20, 11:31:00 AM 2006 , Blogger The Sinister Porpoise said...

Finances are not such that they'd permit me to move. Not to mention although I hate my hometown, the area is also my home and I love the parts of it that don't contain the borough I live in.

At Sun Jul 23, 07:17:00 AM 2006 , Blogger C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Sinister Porpoise!!!

I'll just say this one time, and then I'll leave you alone about it...

As much as you love parts of your home town, there's a big world out there!!! And if you explore it, you'll surely find lots of places to love.

Unless you have dependents, finances shouldn't stop you if you make it a priority to go. Look at Rebecca -- She thought she was too unskilled and neurotic to set off on a great adventure, yet she's doing it. :D

The problem with staying in a small town where everyone knows you is that there's just so much pressure to conform. I'll guarantee there are people you know in your town who are also "different" -- maybe in different ways than the way you're different -- and who are also hiding it because they feel like they have to be "normal," whatever that is...

In my opinion -- and this is just me -- I feel like there's no reason you should be looking over your shoulder worried about who's going to see you doing something as harmless as buying yourself some clothing that you like.

I'll bet that if you move to a big city with lots of diversity, it won't be long before you buy yourself some nice thing in the store and it doesn't even occur to you to wonder what the cashier is thinking any more than you would worry about what the cashier is thinking when you buy a loaf of bread.

You might even feel up to wearing it in public, if that would make you happy. :D

At Sun Jul 23, 03:50:00 PM 2006 , Blogger The Sinister Porpoise said...

Financial circumstances at the moment do not permit it. Although I dream of one day going to a certain city on a boot shaped penninsula along the Tiber River, that may never happen. (However, working for a real Italian convinced me that I probably wouldn't want to live there.)

I don't think I said I like my hometown. In fact, I hate my hometown, it's the area I like. Lots of forests, which is for me, a necessity. When things change I probably *will* consider moving. It's just not a viable option right now.

Althoug the trips I took to Washington D.C. when I was younger were indeed pleasant, the last big city I visited, about 10 years ago now, left a bad taste in my mouth. Whether it was just Chicago itself or endemic to big cities I don't know. Seeing violence and having someone offer someone next to me drugs quite openly offended my then quite Mormon sensibilities. (Not just seeing violence, but seeing people walking by it on the street as though nothing was happening. At least HERE they'd stop and watch. Idiots.) The overcast gray and drizzling weather wouldn't turn me off, it wasn't that different from many Pennsylvania Falls.

Now you may ask what I was doing in Chicago, and that is another story. Perhaps I'll shoot for going to Philadelphia. I really should see Independence Hall sometime, perhaps visiting Valley Forge on the way. (I'll skip Gettysburg, I've seen it several times before. It's a pleasant hike, though.)

At Mon Jul 24, 07:31:00 AM 2006 , Blogger C. L. Hanson said...

I didn't think I'd like living in the city either until I tried it. Now I'm a convert to urban living. Can you tell?

Good luck to you, whatever your plans. :D


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