Leaving the church when you're born into it

I suppose this is my first post for the Carnival of the Veil. I'd like to thank Gunner for inviting me to participate and if you're new to my blog to take a look around and see what I write about.

I've mentioned several times that I was a BIC Mormon. You'll also get the general idea just from reading the header that I have other issues. But for the moment, I'd like to compare the difference between a BIC Mormon leaving and someone who is a convert.

I think in many ways it is harder for the BIC to leave the church since his or her identity will be firmly wrapped in Mormonism by the time he or she is old enough to make the decision. It will also be a harder break. You have to remember they were trained to trust the leadership of this church without question. (How well that indoctrination takes is another matter entirely.) They probably also value at least some of their experiences. A convert will know there are other things out there and in some cases will realize that he or she had valid spiritual experiences elsewhere.

When the BIC realize that he or she's been lied to for a long time and more importantly lying done with the official sanction of the church, there will come anger and confusion and depending on how deeply they're indoctrinated a concern that they may be being tempted by Satan.

Well, you get the idea. My first break with the church came in a moment of insomnia, I realized I didn't believe in the afterlife scheme and thought it was highly unlikely that I'd ever be the god in charge of my own world. Now if you don't believe that, there isn't really any point in being a Mormon is there?

But it was reading the actual history of the church that really got to me. A deliberate cover-up was going on to keep the members in the dark. I was angry that the church expected honesty from me but was under no obligation to return it.

At the time I wanted not to be a part of any such organization and sent my resignation letter in. As anyone familiar with the practices of the Mormon church will tell you they make sending a resignation letter in an exercise in frustration, do not respect your wishes not to be contacted, and send you a nice little letter with the smiling heads of the church inviting you to return. Eventually you get confirmation from Salt Lake that you're no longer a member. And then futility sets in because you realize no matter what you do they'll just baptize you posthumously again in one of their temples.

Then there are always those times of self-doubt and second guessing you go through. In my case they happen because I realized that at times the historical accuracy of the religion doesn't matter, of course, if this is the case, I should join the Community of Christ instead which acknowledges there is likely almost nothing that is historically accurate in the Book of Mormon. (Well, while that may be an option moving to an area where there actually is a CoC building is not.)

At times I think I've lost something by leaving Mormonism, but as I try to entangle the harmful aspects of Mormonism from my psyche from those that are beneficial I find there are other areas where my anger at the church is renewed. I want to be able to leave the church behind me, but it invaded into so many areas of my life and unfortunately will always be a part of me whether I want it to be or not. How can I leave the church alone when even though I'm no longer a member it's still affecting me? Not to mention it's fascinatingly bizarre history and theology.