Friday, September 30, 2005

Burying our souls

We often have to hide ourselves as we get older to conform to society's expectations for us. It's worse for those of us who could admit at least to ourselves all along that something didn't sit right between our spirit and body. I hope, dear reader, you do not mind my use of the word spirit, because this web log will of course focus on something I consider as part of my spiritual journey. If it makes you feel better you may switch 'brain' with this word, but I feel that a biological organ doesn't quite cover the issues facing those of us dealing with transgender issues.

We do learn to hide our desires, true feelings, and hide them behind a mask going through childhood and High school, and later, if we're really unlucky as adults who get married and have children. It is the latter that is most harmful to everyone involved. This path which we did not choose leads to rejection for all of us, but the latter can end up harming innocent children. You should probably wait until they're old enough to achieve some sort of understanding if this is the case for you.

However, at some point, your life really is about you. We've been taught to deny ourselves and not bring out our inner nature for a long time. If you're reading this you probably already know the damage the uncertainty has caused, probably greater than I do as I'm still struggling with the issue. I'm not saying be selfish, but only you can decide the best way to live your life. If not confronting this will destroy you, then come out and accept the consequences. Like it or not, you are the most important person in your life. You've got the driver's seat no matter how much you may wish otherwise.

I wish I hadn't denied my feelings and knowledge for so long, but that would merely be crying over spilled milk. I must try to rediscover who I really am, and hopefully I'll learn other things along the way. We all must deal with what we have done. We've buried the soul that represents our true self and need to find a way to resurrect it.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Purpose of the Lair

I intend this to be a cartharsis to get things that have bothered me out in the open in a public yet anonymous setting so I can maintain my privacy in some small degree. It will also be an online journal of sorts, although I will not bore you with details of my otherwise uninteresting life. I intend to explore my own gender issues that I never really had the courage to admit even to myself before.
I've felt for the longest time that my body and spirit did not quite match up, but could never tell anyone of this thing because I feared the rejection it might bring. On the other hand, I can no longer continue to deny this part of myself and need to come to some sort of a solution.
Whether this will be through therapy or not, I don't know. I lost what insurance I had due to getting a new job and only recently was able to pick it up again. I'm confused enough without other things going on in my life that I would personally love not to have to deal with. I won't bore you with those details either, I have no one to blame for them but myself.
Why even bother baring my soul to complete strangers? I guess that question lies at the heart of this madness and I myself don't have a good answer for it, either. But there is a healing power in sharing your life's pain with others, even if you never meet them. This, more than any other, is the best reason I can give.

Welcome to my lair

For reasons that mostly revolve around the pretentious use of Latin on an old BBS I call myself The Sinister Porpoise. This is a method of expressing my thoughts and opinions on issues that are important to me.

If you need to know something about my background I was raised in a Mormon family outside of Utah, which may go a long way to explaining my apparent weirdness. Don't count on it to explain everything though. As fun as it is to blame religion for everything, I'm afraid family everionment and learned behaviors play quite a large role in ones development.

From political commentary to religious views or to occasional humor, I hope you enjoy this little blog, but I expect I shall be the only one who reads it.