Who can rewrite the Book of Mormon?

Do you ever wonder why Mormon theology makes such good science fiction? In the television arena, we have the original Battlestar Galactica. (Please don't talk to me about the new one. I have such fond memories of the old one that I cannot stomach the new one, yet it would be watchable if it hadn't tried to connect itself to this now campy old series where they have the ship much larger than an aircraft carrier running on a Apple IIE.) In fiction, a number of good science fiction writers are Mormon, the most notable perhaps being Orson Scott Card. (His novel, The Worthing Saga follows the Book of Mormon discovery story closely and even has a “Moroni” stand-in.)

It seems to me no one in the church hierarchy or even the average Mormon seems to wonder why their theology converts so well to the genre, nor does it seem to me that any Catholic asks why their theology converts so well to horror films. Admittedly, most of them are well done horror films and not the Evil Dead variety, but it still begs the question.

Perhaps it's because Mormonism, if we don't accept the Book of Mormon as literal truth, starts out with a foundation of a badly-written alternate history novel. We also have some force-like elements in that only men can use the priesthood, although perhaps a comparison to Dune would be more appropriate here, because in Frank Herbert's classic, there's a religious organization that admits only women. (Well, that's not entirely true, but it seems that the men who have tried have as is put in the novel not failed, but “tried and died.”) So, perhaps Mormonism would suit itself better to space fantasies such as Star Wars.)

Now let's go further, we have God originating on the planet Kolob, which of course makes it into both versions of Battlestar Galactica as the home world of humanity. Not only that, god has a body and apparently needs to engage in certain activities with a wife or wives to create new spirits. (Which reminds me, has anyone ever noticed the look on men's and women's faces when the discussion of polygamy arise? A man will have a tone and a look of “Yeah, let's bring back the good old days.” His wife, if present, will have a facial expression which conveys the message of “I'll kill you if you ever try it.”)

Perhaps the church would be better off if they recommissioned someone to rewrite the book of Mormon from a different set of metal plates which are in their vaults. Which material doesn't matter since the plates will be taken by an angel afterwards. Let's say platinum just because it's more valuable than gold.

Who should be hired for such a project? Personally, I'd prefer Douglas Adams, but as he has hied to Kolob or wherever the dead go, that might be a little difficult. I think Terry Pratchett would be up to the task, but if I were him, I'd be tempted to make the leadership of the Nephites more like the wizards who inhabit Ankh-Morpork's Unseen University. Perhaps Stephen King should be hired, at least then the book would keep some people awake, rather than putting everyone to sleep.

Regardless of who does it, I think if the church admitted the book was fiction and in bad need of a rewrite, the old Mark Twain claim of the Book of Mormon being “chloroform in print” would go away. Too bad H.P. Lovecraft isn't around anymore. At least the book of Mormon could doctrinally support Mormonism's claims of multiple gods, even if most of the gods H.P. Lovecraft uses are malevolent.