Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Underneath it all, you really care

This posts title comes to words a person I met in Everquest said to me as he was leaving the game...

I've noticed some sloppy and easily corrected errors. I'll make more of a commitment to proofread what I write. In some ways I wish I did have an editor because the editor is separated from me and can point out flaws I miss. In any case, too many errors have been slipping through and it reflects poorly on me. Sometimes I wish I had a video editor for our life with all the equipment so we could retake things we did wrong. Sadly, life is live and I only get one shot at each take.

In the past few weeks I feel like something long dead inside me has been reemerging. I guess that's not quite true. The resurrection of the part of me that I thought was long dead has been going on for a long time.
It appears there was still a caring individual that longed to come out for such a long time, either that or I'm just praising myself without merit. I suppose the part of me that did care was there all along, just severely repressed. Strangely, it seems to be coming out back as I explore myself in depth. I wish I knew why this happened. It seems strange that if I accept my feelings of gender confusion that a compassionate caring person should suddenly find more expression, although still behind that person with the sarcastic sense of humor. (Sometimes they fight for dominance I think. Better be careful before I get diagnosed with multiple personality disorder.)

It seems to be part of the process of rediscovery. I wonder what other traits are there. I know I'll rediscover them and I still have a long way to go when it comes to becoming a better person. Still, I think this part of me was buried by my younger self as a survival instinct. Caring and love more than any other emotions can be used to hurt you deeply.

I guess when my father said spiritual he meant that I possessed a sense of empathy somewhat better than my siblings, although I think he misread this. My sister and brother are quite able to read the emotions of others, and have better people skills than I do. It'll just get added to one of the things I wish I didn't do when I was younger.


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