Monday, October 17, 2005

Honesty to Self

I'm writing this as I realize I've screwed up. I didn't intend to, in fact, the problem could have been solved had I read the simple agreement. In fact you could say the problem centers around two of the seven deadly sins – greed and despair.

Admittedly, I know of only one regular reader I have for certain, but that's not the issue. I thought it didn't matter if I clicked the ads you see above. I don't know why I'm bothering to tell you this. It'd probably be better if I kept my mouth shut and was not so greedy or desperate in the first place. You see, money is still a major worry of mine right now. I haven't quite recovered from the car repairs or caught up on my back rent. Not to mention I'll have to pay my phone bill soon to keep from losing service.

I'm not doing this out of any desire for you to feel sorry for me. I created these problems, unfortunately my attempt to solve them violated the rules of Google's adsense program. Now, while I think permanent removal may be a little harsh, it doesn't change the fact that I was stupid.

And improvement in any area of life always requires as much honesty as possible with yourself. In all honesty, personal or spiritual growth is impossible without being completely honest about where you've screwed up and life, and sometimes admitting your mistakes after you make them. It's not human nature to do this, and it's more normal to want to blame someone else when things go wrong in your life.

When things go wrong, take a good look to make sure whether something you did could have prevented, someone else caused it, or it was a mere whim of fate. All three of these things happen, but I think you'll find the first and second category are far more common in our lives. Perhaps this resonants with me because of self-denial for so long, trying to conform as best I could. It could just be that I'm a long-winded blow hard who thinks too highly of her motives for this site and who isn't really helping anyone. (Open-mindedness means that both possibilities must be considered.)

Don't forget to be honest with others (at least when it's prudent to do so. Telling someone you don't like their cooking is probably a bad idea) but don't forget to be honest with yourself either.


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