Wednesday, October 12, 2005

First State of the Porpoise

Welcome to the first state of the Porpoise report. That hoser Melanie has decided to finally let me do my own updates to the site rather than keep up with her mindful posts about her problems and issues facing a group nobody cares about. I mean come on. All this crap about not speaking “English” is bunk. I happen to be versed in Dolphin, English, and Spanish. I'm working on Chinese as well, simply to further my power base. (Note, Melanie is unaware of this and you'll laugh at the one language she is familiar with other than English – Latin. Great, she's okay for theology and history, but if she ever needs to speak to a foreigner, she's out of luck unless said foreigner has been dead for 2000 years.

So, I suppose you want to know where I am in my acquiring global domination. Well, I'm all for a new form of world government. I propose that there should be two castes – the workers and myself. Such a state will stop any perceived class envy and then everyone else will be in the same class. I, of course, will live a life of luxury, and if you are lucky enough I shall take you into my Inner circle so that you may see how the other half lives. (I do not have any intention of improving your life in this case however. You will be able to feed me tasty fish, so consider yourself lucky.)

Now my plans largely form around consolidating my power in the ocean. Some silly humans have gotten the idea of dolphin safe tuna. It's natural selection people, if you can't see the net entangling you and avoid it, you need to be removed from the gene pool. (Melanie's note: These are not my views. I like dolphins.) So, if you see some annoying tuna company advertising a dolphin-safe product, avoid it like a plague and go for the companies I have infiltrated – er, I mean have not caved in to pressure from environmentalists.

Next week I shall inform you of how my plot to spam the Internet and weaken the minds of people goes. And if you see any lab mice bent on world domination, squash them on site.

As a side note, Melanie would like to thank the fine people at Sun Microsystems who provide the Open Office software – for free – that she uses to write the rough drafts. Go check it out. It's free and helps break Microsoft's monopoly. (Okay so I own an Xbox – at least that's a good product that they're actually forced to compete with, unlike Windows.) Oh yeah, I've gotten Firefox, too. Too bad I feel it's too much of a pain to switch over to Linux or FreeBSD Unix completely. Tomorrow we'll return to the normal fare for this site. Thank you.


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