Friday, October 14, 2005

I am a Rock. I am an Island.

Some classic songs are never played on oldie stations. Two of the most well known are “Eleanor Rigby” by the Beatles and Simon and Garfunkel's “I am a Rock.” I'm not going to address Eleanor Rigby today, but instead go straight to the other anthem of a lonely person.

How you may ask, does this in anyway apply to spiritual or transgender issues? Bare with me, I'm getting there. If you are anything like me you have long withdrawn into a shell that is a comfort zone for you. (I'm not saying all of my readers are avoidant/social anxiety types.) We retreat into ourselves.

I read and took up role playing as a means of escape from what was to me a horrible situation. In those worlds of fantasy, the other people that made my life a living Hell simply were not there. I did not need them nor did I want them around. In fact, what I thought I wanted was to be left alone by people all together.

Life is a funny thing and when you achieve what you thought you wanted, it may not have been your wish after. Sitting at home alone with only my cats to keep me company (although I do wish a home would be found for the second already.) I think I took a wrong turn.

Like the protagonist of “I am a Rock,” I've pushed others away. I have not buried my emotions completely or pretended I didn't have them. I tried that long in the past. Emotions let people hurt you, I figured, so it was best not to show them. What a mess that was. When they came out, they just came out stronger and in much greater force had I not tried to hold them inside in the first place.

I tried to stand alone, completely alone and it didn't work. All through that time I was dependent on others afraid to strike out into the real world, hiding within my safety zone. Although far better than what I had encountered in my childhood, I find that there was no growth as a person in this pattern.

I still do this. It's not easy to change lifelong patterns, but I think I may want to share my life with someone eventually. I know one of the reasons I put it off was because of the unresolved gender issues, and getting close terrified me! (I am not enough of a psychologist to know if the fact that my parents never seemed to love each other had anything to do with this or not.)

I can't speak for anyone, nor can I tell if every story I've read is true, but I've seen many parallels to this. You're uncomfortable with who you are, so you're uncomfortable with everyone else is what it boils down to. So you build walls to keep other people away from you. You may not have your books and your poetry to protect you, but you're in a world of your own making just the same.

I hope you find the courage to break out of your fortress deep and mighty, if you find yourself in one. You may stand alone, but by re-entering the social side of humanity, perhaps you can stand alone together with someone else. May you and I enter into the real world. It's a cold, bitter, uncaring place at times, but there are many wonders out there awaiting us.

Note: I still continue to game as it is a social activity, but I try to limit myself to no more than two games a week.


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