I'll find a place and time I want to be and spend a storyline

I'm taking a break from my cleaning to write this. Not that I'm eager to take this cause back up, but I do know that it needs to be done. (The floors, despite my best efforts, are still a mess.)

We encounter many storms on the sea of life. At times I have to wonder what the particular captain of my soul may be thinking. (I'm told others wonder thisabout me much more often than I do. As many of my friends are gamers, they insist that I have the 25 point played by Melanie disadvantage, but they can't figure out where I put the points.) I find myself weathering a storm type I've weathered many times before.

I find myself wanting to cry more often of late. Falling into the trap of “what if” can be fascinating or can lead to great depression and anxiety.

If you suffer from any sort of anxiety, you know it is easy to blow things out of proportion. It does not, however, make those concerns any less real to you. Depression leads to the same sort of effect with a different downward spiral.

I've mentioned the cause before. I have not told any of my family about my transgendered feelings. Last night I worked myself up into a near panic. Good thing those anti-depressants and anti-anxiotics keep it from going into a near panic attack. I know I may be overreacting, but I still wonder what will happen when “Shawn” suddenly reveals that she wants to be addressed as “Melanie” from now on. Like many people with social anxiety disorder, I do not have an extensive social network. I maintain contracts with family as much as possible. (At least the family members who I can personally stand.) I worry about going through the rejection and ostracism I suffered as a youth.

I also worry about what my friends think, although my personal clique has included gay men and no one really cared. (My theory on this is because most gamers are men who are unlikely to be married and in some cases have no interest in sex.) One of the things I'm cursed with is a near photographic memory. I remember comments people make long after they've forgotten them. My sister, who I am closest to, has said derogatory comments about transsexualism and what would my father think if I suddenly told him that his second oldest son wants to be his second oldest daughter? Not only that, I'm not sure my friends would be accepting. Even though a part of me knows that such a revelation would not come as much of a shock.

You'd think it'd be easy to overcome what others think of us, but we are social creatures. I can accept myself as Melanie and find that I'm more confident and feel better about myself when I do. When I think of the consequences that not being Shawn could have, I start to worry and see my world crumbling down around me. It's not the first time it's happened to me, and perhaps, like the Phoenix, I shall rise from the ashes again this time.

The truth is that such things in the past have not turned so bad. No one cares that I'm no longer in the church, really. No one cares that I've had an occasional drink. (I'm sorry to those who do drink, but why would you want to do this that often? Most alcoholic beverages aren't that good.)