Monday, October 03, 2005

Suicide is Painless

I do not feel that what follows is my best writing. On the other hand, it is important.

I'm not suggesting I'm about to do this, nor am I suggesting it's a good idea for you. I merely am bringing this up as part of my existence and I know others have thought about it for different reasons.
If you know anything about older television, you know that the title to this article is also the name of the theme to Mash.

On several occasions in my life, I considered this course myself. Only sheer stubbornness kept me alive through High School. I wasn't going to let my tormentors have a victory. I was locked in a bitter stalemate and I was determined not to let my opponents have their victory. My reaction was the result of many years of such behavior from my peers. At this point I had long since ceased random bouts of crying and the mood swings that came with puberty had stabilized. Even so, it was a recipe for prolong and protracted misery.

I entered the Navy after I got out of high school. Let me just say I was not a resounding success. I hoped I could earn money for college and possible a trade. The pressures of boot camp brought on the underlying social anxiety disorder and the long time depression that I had ignored. In fact, this is the first time I tried to kill myself, although I hid that fact from the doctors.

Did I learn my lesson and seek help immediately after coming home from boot camp? No. Anyone who suffers from social anxiety or an avoidant personality knows the insidious pattern of this illness. In order to seek help, you must leave what is for you, your comfort zone. In fact I ignored it for years afterwards. If you've let depression go on long enough to become a chemical malady, it will not go away. Even if you're felling all right, events can cause depression to reoccur. When not working several years later my thoughts went again down that dark spiral. I hated my life, but this time did not attempt suicide. I eventually pulled out of it.

I made a promise never to let myself get that low again. Unfortunately, this is not a promise you can keep to yourself. You cannot control your emotions. I had gotten cheated on a used car deal and lost my job because of it. I nearly wound up out on the streets. Armed with Zoloft this time, I tried again. When it didn't succeed and I realized I would have to deal with my problems. Whatever reason God put me on this Earth for was not accomplished yet.

The thing is, rational thought is not possible if you find yourself in this state. Strong emotions cause this process to suffer. If you find yourself in this sort of situation, please seek help.


At Thu Nov 30, 02:46:00 AM 2006 , Blogger Unknown said...

Wow, you said a mouthful of truth there. Nothing more frightening in my life than the day I looked back at the least two months and realized that the ONLY thing that had changed was the addition of anti-depressants.

Seriously, everything in my life was exactly the same, except for the fact I was on meds. My sister spent 13 some odd years trying to get me to see how much trouble I was in, and get help. I didn't listen then and now wish I had.

When I finally said, "Yes, I think I need meds . . . " I'd already been in and out of the ER several times and hid my suicidal thoughts and my first nervous breakdown from the doctors. Not good at all . . .

So you are quite correct, it is scary and so hard to see. When your emotions go wonky it all seems to make so much sense to "put a more permanent end" to one's pain. That was the euphemism I used. When the meds started to work everything was still the same, except the pain was nothing compared to what it been only a few short weeks before.

I know.

I wish I didn't.

I wish neither of us, none of us, had to go through this.

I remember M*A*S*H. I cried when it ended.

Wow, this was deeper than I'd meant it to get . . .


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