Saturday, October 01, 2005

Finding Release

People usually write their life stories on these types of sites. I figure you have pain enough of your own, dear reader, that you do not need to share in mine right now. Yes, I too, was outcast as a child, but for different reasons. Religion kept me afraid of my sexuality in all its forms, and I hoped Jesus would "fix" me either after death or when he came again. I'll discuss religious issues more in depth later. I don't take things quite so litterally anymore.

You can call me a naive child and be totally correct. I'm still naive in many ways. On the other hand, I have managed to shake off much of my early training and I no longer worry about whether or not it was wrong for me to want to be a girl.

Before you say I am angry at God, I just want to point out for many years I was angry at everything. Internalized anger can lead to depression and other problems. It is likely one of the factors in why I take antidepressants today.

I did find at least one outlet for my feelings of gender confusion however: Role Playing Games. What freedom! Here if you play a female no one cares. If you've played them at all, they just assume you're going to play an out of control nymphomaniac. (Sadly, most role playing games are dominated by men, and many of those who play female characters do get some sort of sexual thrill out of it.)

On the other hand, these gave me an opportunity to at least little a hidden part of myself out with little or no repercussions. In fact, when a coworker introduced me to Everquest, I embraced it
whole-heartedly.

What wonderful freedom! Even if someone knew I was a man behind the controls, it was such a common practice that it didn't matter. (At least with most people, you will find bigots everywhere.) I let my online identity become more of my real one and let real life slip.

I do not recommend this course for others. In fact, I do not even recommend it for myself for my dreams and ambitions got set back on this side and an addiction for the game took over. Eventually I realized that the game was merely a way to escape from the other issues that I faced. (I suffer from social anxiety disorder/dysthimic disorder if you need the only diagnosis I currently have.)

Funny that if I couldn't be myself in real life, I would embrace it whole heartedly in a game and let my real life and what few relationships I had suffer. I regret doing this deeply, but it is water under the bridge.

5 Comments:

At Sat Oct 01, 09:04:00 PM 2005 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gifford fire nearly contained
A wildfire burning near Lake Roosevelt in Eastern Washington was 80 percent contained Saturday at 890 acres, fire officials said.
Your blog rocks ! I'm definately going to come back!

I have a my slide guitarsite/blog. It pretty much covers my slide guitar related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

 
At Sat Oct 01, 09:08:00 PM 2005 , Blogger Becca said...

Hi. I just ran across your blog. We have a couple things in common. I think I'll keep reading it if that's okay with you.

 
At Sat Oct 01, 09:17:00 PM 2005 , Blogger The Sinister Porpoise said...

Thank you, Becca. I shall look forward to future comments.

 
At Sat Oct 01, 11:07:00 PM 2005 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

October 2005
Timothy Noah: Santorum's Mighty Wind, Part 2. 09/27/05 David Segal: How Gotti Jr ... Illinois Senator Barack Obama looks at the lefty blogosphere's strident vilification of the 22 Democrats who voted to confirm John Roberts to the Supreme Court and doesn't like what he sees.
Hey, I love your blog it's real great!

I have a american singles site/blog. It pretty much covers american singles and dating related stuff.

You should come and check it out if you get time :-)

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At Sat Oct 01, 11:07:00 PM 2005 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

New Orleans Mayor says 'Google Me'
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