Friday, October 07, 2005

The Way Things Are Going, They're Gonna Crucify Me

I don't know why I'm even bothering but today I'm going to try to address the topic of self-worth and self-esteem. You see, the lack of these things has plagued me all my life. In fact, I can't say I'm even sure I know what it's like to experience any other state when it comes to these somewhat intangible emotions.

So, it's obvious I'm not the poster child for how to improve your self-worth or self-esteem, nor can I give any really useful tips because I wouldn't believe in them myself. About the only thing I can say that definitely improved my self-image was graduating from High School ten years ago. It's much less easy to believe your life is totally worthless if you don't have people reminding you of the fact every day. I guess that's why I find it easier to identify with animals than people. At least what little college experience I had reminded me that not everyone shares my intelligence. (In fact, some people are smarter, lest you think I'm getting a big head.)

More importantly, I'm not even sure what these things mean exactly. Are they some sort of New Age psychobabble invented by psychiatrists or should I just stay on my Zoloft and leave it to the professionals? Self-confidence isn't exactly something I have a lot of either, or so I've been told. That's not quite true however, I don't have self-confidence with things I'm not good at. I have confidence when I know I can do something.

Does it come down to loving yourself, that almost forgotten commandment of the Christians? If that's the case, I've hated myself and my life for years and despite my attempts to pull out of it, I've found it's not been that easy. (Better be careful here before I get into those wallowing self-pity posts. Wait, it's already too late for that.) Truthfully, I've had problems with the whole loving yourself for a long time. It always seemed somewhat selfish to me, but why is it glossed over from the pulpit as if it was unimportant by the preachers? Of course, those of us with deviant tendencies aren't supposed to love ourselves, I guess. We're supposed to abase ourselves and ask forgiveness and healing from God according to some.

Mostly, I guess it's because we get assaulted day after day with messages of how we should view ourselves rather than asking whose opinion most matters in this area, our own.


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