Another deep thought had in the throws of insomnia

Don't ask me why but it seems that all the really deep answers come to me either when I'm trying to get to sleep or suffering a bout of insomnia. This is always of course, as I'm trying to go to sleep, not suffering through work the next day trying not to fall asleep on my feet.

Lately, I've been calm and happier than usual. I'm not sure why. I've been forgetting to take the anti-depressants for the most part. (Which reminds me, I'll need to remember it tonight.) Perhaps it's because I'm not struggling with the same issues as much as I used to.

For the longest time, I felt I needed some label to give when someone asked me "What religion are you?" Most people assume I am still Mormon if they know anything about me at all. Perhaps if I smoked and drank coffee that impression would fade, but I don't feel the need to do this just to rebel against my upbringing. I simply don't like coffee and sinus problems pretty much prevent me from smoking.

Not only that, I felt I had to belong to some group as if religion is something I needed in my life. Now, I may still join a church for social reasons (although not a Unitarian Universalist one, after listening to one sermon about the myth of individualism, the rugged individualist in me asked repeatedly, "Does this woman really believe the garbage she is spewing?")

Being a Deist is fine with me, why go any deeper than that? It may be useful to have a philosophy to guide my life, but I already have a sense of morals which I find to be pretty useful. True, I had to abandon some of the ones the church taught, but a lot of them, although they could have been taught elsewhere, are useful. The one thing I was never big on which the church is was blind obedience. Sorry, but I'm not going to follow someone just because they claim to be God's personal representative.

I also realized that my relationship with God if I choose to have one is a personal matter. Dogma and doctrine while fascinating simply get in the way of what we're trying to achieve at times. (Perhaps it's an extension of why I've felt more spiritually connected out in the woods than I ever have in a church. Never mind that Mormon buildings are dull, soulless, and lifeless. Put some art up that isn't a picture of a temple of a current prophet please!)

Perhaps this is the end of my search, I don't know. The thing I've also realized is that even though I may have stopped searching for a time, my attempts to grow as a person do not stop. In this, it is the journey that's more important than a destination. In this quest, I see the divine as my guide, not as the father the Mormons pretend he is.

Final Note: If you've noticed the powered by Qumana tags, there's a reason for it. I was looking for a way to write blog entries offline and post them directly to my blog. A program exists for Word that does this. The major problem with this for me is that I use OpenOffice. So, when I saw an add for this, I tried it. It has a few quirks I'd change, but fulfills what I needed fairly well.

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