Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Quest for Truth

I scrapped what I'd originally written for this entry. I don't know why, but it seems the quality of what I've put up here hasn't been as high as lately. Call me a perfectionist, but it does bother me.

I will try to remain true to the spirit of the original post, if not I'll just post some of my detective fiction that I've never been able to get off the ground.

The fact is, I did lose a couple things in my life when I left the Mormon church. Sometimes I even think about going back, but a quick reading of Section 132 of the Doctrine & Covenants usually makes me change my mind. Besides as someone who has no intention at the moment of getting married, I'll never achieve the ultimate goal of a Mormon which is to make it into the Celestial Kingdom.

But, on to what it cost me. The first thing I think I've stated before. I lost the comforting feeling of having all the answers. The second I lost was the deep sense of community that existed. I don't know if this is the same in predominantly Mormon areas, but if you live in an area where you know you're in a religious minority, the community tends to be more tightly knit.

Because of the acceptance of absolute truth in my past, I'm not at all willing to accept the claims of anyone who believes that they have all the answers. If they tell me they believe something is true, that's fine, but I will not accept a random person telling me that they know it's true because the Bible tells them so. (How do they know the Bible is true beyond some vague feeling?)

Yet, an issue of a feeling lies at the core of this blog. Logic and simple biology tells me one thing, but my emotions are telling me another. I'm not sure which to follow at times. I wish I could just tell the feelings to go away and deal with the reality of the situation. I guess it worked when I had to deal with my mother's delusions, but not when it comes to things that affect me on a much more personal level.

Yet I find myself more willing to accept gender dysphoric feelings of late. Like my past, which is not always comfortable, ti's part of who I am and what I have become. Strangely enough this has been a recent change in me, perhaps I'm finally starting to overcome all the shame and guilt forced upon me on Mormonism.

For years I had a curious double standard when it came to such things. It was okay if other people were transgendered or gay, but when it came to myself, it never was. Don't ask me why I held myself to a higher standard when it came to this. We can all take a guess, given that we were supposed to be special and were told others held us to a higher standard because we were Mormon. I suppose I should feel some sort of sadness that another part of my Mormon upbringing is shaking away, but it's one that screwed me up royally and I will not miss it. It's nice to turn towards what might be approaching normality rather than have that shadow hanging over me.

Excuse me, but I think I'm having some feelings of anger come on that are familiar to many of us as our personal and spiritual journeys take us farther away from the “one true church.”


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home