Questions I'll Probably Never Get to Ask the Mormon Missionaries

Since coming to Indiana, the Mormon missionaries have come to the door several times. Unfortunately, I have not been at home on any of these occasions. This has left my roommate to utter a polite “I’m not interested” and turn them away. However, I still feel disappointed. There are a lot of questions I want to ask them now. If nothing else, it would result in uncomfortable squirming and doctrinal attempts to answer my absurd questions.

Some of these questions are rather obvious to anyone with even a passing familiarity with the religion. Such questions include asking why god cares so much about underwear, why all of the faith-promoting garment stories I’ve heard involve the death of the wearer, and which star in the night sky does Kolob orbit.  A quick missionary would probably deflect these answers rather than providing serious answers, but there are deeper ones to ask.

Because I am now presenting as female, I’d now have to ask how long pregnancies last on Kolob, if they have any advice on how to deal with my own eternally pregnant sister wives, and if it’s necessary to date an active Mormon. Since going through the motions is more important than actually believing the religion, can’t I just date someone who went through them all and gain entry into the Celestial Kingdom by proxy? 

This leads into other questions. Since I was ordained as an Aaronic priesthood holder and am legally female, does that mean I can bestow the priesthood on my other spiritual sisters?  (Yes, I know the church has very carefully avoided addressing transgender issues on a deeper level.)  Will I be male or female in the Celestial Kingdom? Don’t forget the ever popular, “Are you sure having a harem with eternally pregnant wives is actually how I want to spend my afterlife?”  If they answer yes, I’m going to remind them that atheists offer a much better deal.

Even though I’d love to ask these questions, the only contact I’ve had with the Mormon missionaries came while I was on my way back from work one day. I was wearing the typical work uniform that involved a white shirt and black pants.  They mistook me for a missionary and waved, even though my 1994 Chevy Astro clearly wasn’t a church vehicle.  The answer to all of these important questions will have to wait.  I suppose I could ask these questions at Christmas if my father brings up religion. He once offered this bit of advice, "Mormonism is easy for the woman. All she has to do is what her husband tells her."  With this sentence, he made sure his current wife will forever remain Catholic.