Sunday, May 07, 2006

Minor Reflections

Going through the comments yesterday provoked my rage, an emotion I'm all too familiar with. I no longer feel it as often and put my ranting days mostly long behind me. It got me thinking, though. Sometimes I wonder just how far I've come when it comes to personal growth. As their is no real way to define what personal growth means, it is a difficult question to answer and a question of the type I'm not sure should be answered by me.

As I've alluded to before I dealt with a great deal of ostracism during my school years. I didn't quite understand the reasons why then and I still do not. Now, however it is water under the bridge. I must live with the effects of what happened to me back then. My tormentors were not concerned with my feelings, obviously.

If you have ever been through this or are going through this, I am not going to tell you it is easy. It is not. It is difficult. I wanted revenge, but saw no practical way of getting it. I heard some of their comments suggesting I'd be better off if I committed suicide and became angrier. About the only thing that got me through those years was sheer stubborness and an attitue of Nolite te illegitium carborandum. (Latin for "Don't let the bastards grind you down.")I wish I hadn't spent years locked in that miserable stalemate. I do not recommend my methods. They worked, but the anger built up and I'd snap at people for very little things for years.

Eventually I got help and learned to let go. I wish there had been someone I could talk to back then, but my own psychological problems did not make it easy. Even keeping a journal would have helped had I not tried to make it uplifting all the time.

If for some unknown reason you choose to speak to me, someone who you probably don't know, my e-mail address is on the links page here. I will however, try to refrain from giving advice.


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