Lair of the Sinister Porpoise

Responses to Orientation

2009-07-14T12:08:00.001-04:00

I admit I have neglected this blog. That's one problem with being busy, but there was a comment that I felt I needed to respond to in a few months ago. The easiest process would be finding the post and responding to the comment there, but the person just found the blog.

The post in question had more to do with asexuality and how she thought she could understand it. The response by far is one of the most uncommon ones I have ever seen. Most people when they learn of asexuality respond with confusion, you just have not found the right person, or you must be gay responses. Yet, I have my doubts that the person really understood what I meant. Even worse, I'm not sure I knew exactly what I meant.

I would love to share a connection with someone on a deeply spiritual (for lack of a better term) level, but I do not expect to have the desire ever to jump into the sack with anyone. If I were still a Mormon, this would be problematic because marriage is a requirement to get into the celestial kingdom and entering into such a marriage would likely not be a pleasing thing to most partners.

The good thing is because the organization of asexuals is a relatively new phenomenon, there are no idiotic opinions from General Authorities on the topic. I am sure that if Boyd K. Packer had enough time he could issue an ignorant statement about how asexuals are broken or not a person. The Jesuits, who seemed to use the term asexual to mean a person without a gender identity, have already informed the world that a person who is asexual isn't a person.

But at least it's better to be assumed to be broken and mentally deficient because of a lack of attraction than it is to go through what gays and lesbians go through. If I start to make the transition, I imagine things will be much the same as they are for the latter two groups.

Hilary Clinton > Obama

2009-06-24T16:38:00.002-04:00

Note: I did not support either candidate. I was not a huge fan of the Republican candidate we ended up with either.

As someone who has been described as a bitter small town Pennsylvanian clinging to god and my guns, I see little reason to support the man.However, it's time for Obama supporters to admit the failings of his administration. Namely, he has announced policies during a deep recession that only serve to lengthen it.

Now, I know Obama did not cause the problem. We can't really blame that on Bush either as it was a global strategy that failed according to a recent special on the history channel, but one of the things you absolutely DO NOT DO during a recession is raise taxes. Money needs to get flowing freely again and the best course of action (as Reagan and Kennedy both did) is to lower taxes.

Of more concern, however, is his foreign policy. His failure to come down hard on Iran or to restate US policy about the use of nuclear weapons on any nation has not done much for the situation with Iran or North Korea. Unfortunately, the elder Bush is a master in this area and both he and the former Bush should have sought out his advice. (Neither of them did, although W has much less of an excuse for his failures in this arena when all he had to do was make a phone call to Dad.)

What bothers me the most, however, is big city elitism. Listen, folks, small town people are not all ignorant red necks. Many factories are still running. Heck, a lot of small town Pennsylvanians don't even *own* guns. There's a reason why Obama lost the primary in this state, and it is that statement. If you want to believe such an offensive statement is insightful, don't tell me about it. Go to your coffee shops and find someone who agrees with you. I'll be too busy buying guns and ammunition I don't need to justify your attitudes. Now, what model of handgun, shotgun or rifle should I get to justify your stereotypes?

Not Obsessing

2009-06-19T01:23:00.002-04:00

Of course, I have not stopped the habit of obsessing totally, but it seems that Mormon church is simply a major non-factor in my life, except for a few relatives who insist on listening to Glenn Beck. (It is my completely unprofessional problem that many of this talk show host's problems would be solved by ordering his garments two sizes larger.)

I suppose it is a good thing that my life is focussing on other things right now, but because I am who I am, I know I will always be obsessing over something. I would continue this post to take up several paragraphs, but I'm afraid I cannot sustain it in an entertaining fashion, and I simply do not want to bore the reader.

Sexual Orientation and Mormonism

2009-06-14T16:38:00.002-04:00

I apologize for ignoring this blog, but I have been busy. So much so that I've neglected other blogs. If there's one thing people are still wondering, it's probably what my orientation actually is.

Now, it took me a while to figure this out, but I assumed that gay, straight,and bisexual were the only possibilities in this spectrum. The problem is that I fit into none of these categories. There seemed to be no category for someone who is not interested, even though that one fit me most readily.

I have since learned that this is incorrect.I'm just not attracted to men or women and there is in fact a word for this. Asexuality may seem a strange concept to people who feel that they cannot live without sex, but let's face it, people who really, really want sex will not be spending a lot of time reading blogs anyway.

I have to admit finding out that there are other people who feel this way was something of a relief, although it did not stop me from confronting an editor about it when I tried to bring my own views on the subject of not having a sex drive was not a medical problem to an editor. (Yes, this sentence is awkward, but it's my blog.)

The only problem is that this might doom me to a life of loneliness because it's hard to find someone else who feels that they can get along without sex in a relationship, but at least their our sites out there to help with this problem. (Ace Book is the one that I'm most familiar with.)

And because this is also a Mormon-interest blog, it's important to note that not getting married dooms me at best to the lower levels of the Celestial Kingdom, should I repent of my ways and return to the embrace of the church.

Just Finished the rough draft of All is Well

2008-08-22T15:35:00.003-04:00

Now, I started this idea a while back and the initial plans for it to be a web comic have been put on hold until I find the motivation to acquire a new artist. (If anyone *wants* to be a web comic artists and deal with sticky Mormon issues, they may feel free to contact me. The only real requirement is that you must be able to draw better than I can. This is not hard.)

But, as I hated to lose all the work that had been put into it, I decided to do a novelization of the story line that had already been worked on. I do not know if there will be any interest in it, and the work is far from perfect in its current form, but if any of my readers would like to read it, they need only to ask me for it via e-mail and I will send them an archived version of the rough draft. This also coincides with an earlier promise to make it available in some form.

The book, which I am calling All is Well is far from pleasant and it is far harder on the church than I intended it to be, but I felt the stories of people often ignored by the church or worse, actively encouraged to change into something other than what they are needed to be told.

Oh yeah, it'll also tell you something about Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania, but the book just happens to take place there. It's not really going to be all that useful to someone with a different interest in the place that bills itself as the state's only town.

"It Takes a Lot of Faith to be an Athiest"

2008-08-21T09:05:00.002-04:00

I've seen this quote elsewhere. While the religious statement often implies that it takes more faith not to believe in God than it does to believe in him, the typical atheist response I've seen seems to not understand the meaning of the word faith.

Now, I'm not saying atheists are religious, although some do follow their lack of religion devoutly. Saying that it does not take faith to be an atheist or insisting that definitions are being redefined to make that statement is a falsehood. While Creationists often make huge scientific errors in describing the problems of evolution, it seems that the athiest writers of today rely on their own redefinition of terms to make their cases.

It takes no more faith to believe in God than it does not to believe him, but either position is a matter of faith. Both are taking a definite position on a religious viewpoint and declaring a position about something that is at the current time unknowable. Agnosticism is the position that takes no faith. (I'm not saying that this is a good thing, but not being sure that God exists is not making a definitive statement about him.)

Atheists need to not be so afraid of terms normally associated with religion being used to describe their viewpoint, nor get up in arms about it. Having faith that God does not exist is not necessarily a bad thing.

The Problem With the God Delusion

2008-07-13T00:07:00.005-04:00

Richard Dawkins may have written a popular book, but it seems that he should be quite obvious he has failed in his goal to convert anyone who was not an Atheist already to convert to his position.

I may be skeptical about the existence of God or Gods, simply because such a thing has not been scientifically proven, so my point will not be made with the problems that stem from religious arguments, but rather the same problem that always boils down to any debate between someone who believes in God and someone who doesn't.

The basic argument boils down to, "If there isn't a God who created the Universe?" The counter response is typically, "Who created God?" Neither question can be answered with our current level of understanding, and the models Dawkins proposes seem just as ludicrous as the creator, if we are looking at it from an objective perspective.

The God Delusion, along with Carl Sagan's Demon Haunted World, have been on my reading list for a long time. I've finally managed to check them out a local library. The ideas presented are interesting, but they will not convert me to his position of hard atheism, but then I am more likely to believe scientific explanations than a sheer religious one for elements that have already been proven -- evolution for example. The origin of life, as of yet, remains a mystery. It is possible that life DID come about by chance, but we need more evidence of this, rather than assuming that a *lack* of evidence of a designer is proof.

Now, Dawkins relies on some inaccurate definitions in The God Delusion, particularly misinterpreting the meaning of pantheism. He also places Mormon, on page 36 of his book, as not being a Christian religion. I can only assume this is ignorance based on lack of research. It can be forgiven because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints features very little into any points of The God Delusion, but there is one area of particular concern when ex-Mormons quote from this book.

I have seen the line, "The problem with religion is that it makes people comfortable with not having the answers" quoted by many former Mormons. These are people who should really know better as part of breaking with the faith is coming to understand that you *no longer* have the answers to everything. The Mormon faith, does after all, provide ready answers to many of life's question. These often follow some kind of internal logic, but most claims that the religion makes can be easily disproven scientifically.

We don't need DNA evidence to prove the Book of Mormon is a product of the nineteenth century. Writing analysis is enough, and only a BYU study has shown that the Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, and Doctrine and Covenants were not a product of the same author. (One was conducted by the UTLM, whose motives I am just as suspicious of as BYU. The secular analysis is harder to ignore.) In fact, what Dawkins meant to say was that religion makes people comfortable with having the wrong answers. It even makes them defend the wrong answers vehemently in light of better evidence. (Science is just as guilty of this, but change happens much faster. Many Creationists who attack Darwin's theory of evolution by means of natural selection do not realize that much of Darwin's notions about the evolution of different species were wrong, but instead of looking into the science, they are more comfortable attacking him as a religious figure, a staus which Darwin himself would not have wanted.

The fact is, The God Delusion won't win any converts. It is a book who appeal to people who are already Atheists, or Agnostic theists like myself who merely want to see what the man has to say. Former Mormons should be a little more leary of quotes like the one above and not include them in their signatures as they had to learn to become comfortable with no longer having all the answers.

Children Will Suffer in Same Sex Marriages

2008-07-05T16:01:00.002-04:00

As human beings we often make poorly conceived arguments on issues we feel strongly on. The commenter from the Vanessa Honda pohotography blog is one such example when she claims that children will suffer as a result of same-sex marriages. She also makes a historically inaccurate statement that the idea of viewing marriages as a social contract is a new one.

I do not nomrally single a commenter out as I can comment on my own blog just as easily as someone else can, but this sweet and special spirit needs to examine her arguments and re-evaluate them.

Now, Vanessa is entitled to her opinion. I would also not be unjustified in deleting her comment because this blog is my playground. However, she has violated none of my rule about comments. Simply but, I do not allow advertising in comments. Vanessa's argument is worded well, although it looks like Blogger stripped the paragraphs from her posts, but she failed to demonstrate exactly how children will suffer as a result of same-sex marriages.

I realize that America's educational system is sadly lacking when it comes to teaching legitimate science, but I'm pretty sure that Vanessa realizes that same-sex marriages will not produce children. It is a biological impossibility for humans. Her arguments might be valid if a gay couple adopts children, but there is no evidence to support that adoptive gay parents are worse than straight parents. Recent studies indicate that in fact, they make slightly better caregivers than straight couples.

All of this, however, is irrelevant to the argument I made in my last post, which is, that if the Mormon church wants polygamy to return, which they do, supporting initiatives that support a broader definition of marriage would help them achieve that goal.

But, it may surprise her to find I do not have strong opinions on this issue. The best argument I can conjure up for allowing it is that it is not a bad idea to encourage monogamy in a segment of the populatoin that has a high rate of sexually transmitted diseases. Encourgaing monogamy and making people pledge faithfulness will serve to bring the rate of STDs among gay couples down.

Someone Explain the Mormon Argument Against Same Sex Marriage to me, Please

2008-06-29T14:05:00.001-04:00

If there is one thing I do not understand, it is Mormons using the argument that gay marriage might open the door for polygamists to practice their lifestyle freely. Now, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (see, I even have it hyphenated correctly) has not practiced polygamy openly since the 1890 manifesto, even though it took a little bit longer for this rule to be strictly enforced, but anyone who has attended a Mormon church for long enough knows that the men at least are hoping for the return of polygamy.

I now stating this on the blog of an Ex-Mormon is literally preaching to the choir The few readers I have left after my long hiatus know that Doctrine and Covenants Section 132 commands faithful members to practice celestial marriage and informs Emma Hale Smith that if she does not accept it, she will be destroyed.

If we leave the study of scripture aside for the moment, we can go back to Mormon history. The recent raid on the Yearning for Zion ranch in Texas brought the problem of polygam to light again, and while the church put press statements out to establish the lack of connection between the two groups, they are both Restorationist movements and claim the same history up to the year 1890. The polygamy of Brigham Young's time may have been slightly kinder, but the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has never repudiated the doctrine of polygamy and still allows a spiritual form to take place. Many members are simply waiting until the time is right again when they will be allowed to take multiple wives.

If polygamy will be practiced in the celestial kingdom and will be practiced on the Earth again when the time is right, the church should not oppose any movement that will allow this lifestyle to return among its members, unless it intends to repudiate its own doctrine. (The prophet *can* do this at any time. There is no standard like the Council of Trent and Vatican II where official Roman Catholic doctrine was established.)

The opposition to gay marriage from the church has nothing to do with allowing the practice of polygamy, but is rather rooted in the growing conservative trends among the general authorities than in looking at what might be in the long-term goals of the church. Of course, maybe I'm being too cynical. It just might be about the coupling of a man and a woman being necessary to create new spirit children or to bring new potential Mormons into this world.

Installing Linux Drivers: More fun than a Root Canal

2008-06-05T15:28:00.001-04:00

If you are a technical person who has never experienced the thrill of trying to get a wireless networking card that is not supported by Linux working on an aging laptop which more or less chokes on the more operating systems, I cannot begin to describe the kind of treat you are missing. I'd might consider moving up a root canal should I ever schedule one to have to avoid going through this process again, although the easiest thing to do would have been to buy a networking card that had native Linux support.

The true tech geek knows that there is no fun in this process, because at least in theory it should be a matter of finding the correct package manager, using synaptic or typing in sudo apt-get install . In practice, what often happens is that the source code of these modules are given, they do not compile correctly, and the person involved has to be a master C programmer and a master hacker to get the drivers compiled from the source code.

Now, at least you have a picture of why Windows is still the number one desktop operating system for the PC, although to be fair, Ubuntu takes most of the common frustrations encountered when using Linux out of the process. Assuming your hardware is supported, all you have to do is pop the CD and you should be up and running.

Belkin does not feel the same way about the necessity to provide drivers for common operating systems that I do. Belkin only wants to provide drivers for commercially backed operating systems. This caused a problem, but it is not insurmountable, assuming the user can load Ndiswrapper correctly. Well, I did, but wanting the computer to run faster, I tried installing the newer version from the CD. This did not work as well as I had hoped.

Now I'm back to the original starting point, installing the older version of Ubuntu and getting ready to make sure I have the Windows drivers to use with the operating system. Gods, how I miss the days when I found frustrating things like this fun.

Notes: I know have the network card and Debian Etch on the sytem. It's working as I'd like it to for the most part.

How Often Do you Cater to Your Audience?

2008-05-27T22:53:00.001-04:00

I tend to think a certain kind of mental voyeurism is involved in blogging. As bloggers, we want to show the innermost aspects of our souls to complete strangers for some bizarre reason. Some of us do this through fiction while others simply explore why we do what we do and we are guilty of mental masturbation.

While I know that the use of that phrase is going to cause some interesting searches to come my way when this gets indexed by Google, assuming the site that indexes my blog does not steal my traffic, it still fits, although I warn you if you were looking for a post that is about sex, you will be sadly disappointed. (There are posts on the site where I've explored my fear of this common institution and its possible sources. Sadly, these are interest only to a therapist who might want to know why I don't have an intimate relationship with anyone.)

Although I do have a hard time getting along with people, I seem to be willing to let people come here and comment on my life for good or ill. I do not expect everyone to agree with my viewpoint on the Mormon church or why it is the way it is, nor do I expect a reader to understand that everything I say.

But after a time I learned who was reading my blog and decided to cater posts to those people. I guess we all do it someway, because I never expected anyone to read something I wrote simply because I wrote it. This, more than anything else speaks to some fundamental need of the blogger that causes them to flash others with their naked souls, so to speak. I do not know whether this is good or bad. It simply is. How many of us would read C.L. Hansen's blog if she did not openly talk about things that would normally remain hidden or Arizona Awakening's blog if we were not interested in seeing where his spiritual journey leads.

I have been lax in updating. I will not tell you that I intend to stop the infrequent updates because I'm not sure that is true.. I have been busy writing for online sites and trying to reach my goal of seeing my name in print. I still have quite a long way to go before the print dream becomes a reality, although writing online has improved my writing and specifically how I write online content when the intent is to bring in visitors. (This is a whole different ball game.)

For those who want to know who I've been writing for, I will e-mail you the names I write under, but I do not want this blog linked with my real name for reasons that should be obvious.

The Mormon Ending to Dr. Strangelove

2008-04-26T22:11:00.000-04:00

Stanley Kubrick's film Dr. Strangelove is not one that most people would associate with the Mormons in anyway. In fact, it is more of a commentary of the United State cold war policies of the late 1950s, but there are Mormon ties in with the film, although you do have to stretch a little to get them.

The first and most obvious connection is the number of women that appear in the film. As anyone who has read the Book of Mormon all the way through knows, only three people of the fairer sex appear in the text, which is odd for a book that purports to be the one thousand year history of a people. While Dr. Strangelove covers only the few hours before a nuclear holocaust, but there is only one women in Dr. Strangelove and three women in the Book of Mormon. The difference is one woman appearing in only a few hours is far more likely than the names of three women being mentioned over a period of over one thousand years.

But the connection between the Mormon faith and Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove goes a little better deeper. With the FLDS in the news again, the church is trying to distance itself desperately from the actions of the polygamists, but whether or not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints still practice polygamy is irrelevant for the purposes of this article. One caveat must be given, Dr. Strangelove is not intended to be a Mormon movie.

It is not until we get to the end of Stanley Kubrick's classic black comedy that we can find any real connection between the classic cold war inspired flick and the early Mormons. When it becomes apparent that the Doomsday device that the Russians possess will be set off, it is the former German rocket scientist who proposes a radical plan that will save all of humanity. He suggests saving a small segment of humanity. His ideal community would be 20,000 people with a ration of ten women to one men.

Naturally, to get the human race back on its feet again, the remaining men will be required to do a lot of breeding to help repopulate the human race. Furthering the cause of saving humanity will require prodigious breeding on the part of the males who surive. The males chosen will be the elect in strength and intelligence or their position in government.

Now this situation alone is not enough to connect Dr. Strangelove to the Mormon faith, but anyone who observes the smile on Peter Seller's face when he delivers this line can recognize the same tone and leer of men standing around the foyer of a Mormon congregation after church discussing polygamy. Often there is the tone in the voice that suggests a longing for the good old days which are now past us.

Now the look of the wife is often one of “I'll kill you if you ever try it,” but this never seems to deter these conversations. I'm sure Stanley Kubrick did not intend this film to mirror what one can easily imagine were the attitudes of Brigham Young and Joseph Smith when they started the principal of plural marriage, but it is hard not to think that there thought processes were similar to those going through the mind of the the German mad scientist when he proposed his plan to save humanity.

Some people may feel that the comparison between the mind of Brigham Young and Stanley Kubrick is at least a little irrelevant, but until there is historical proof that the practice of polygamy was not based on Joseph Smith's desire to have more sex, speculations like this will abound. A person saying that the lord told him to do so is not proof. A stronger case can be made the Brigham Young believed this, as he was told to practice the principal, but it seems that even if he did struggle with it, as a KUED documentary on the man suggests, that he had no problem practicing the doctrine of plural marriage later in his life.

Where The Sinister Porpoise Has Been

2008-04-07T23:27:00.003-04:00

I have not posted on this blog for over a year now. It was not my intention to let this blog die, but the move to Wordpress, due to circumstances beyond my control was not entirely successful.

If you are wondering what The Sinister Porpoise has been doing for the last year or so, I have been writing and learning how to write better. At least I think this is the case. I am sure some easily avoided error will make the reader think otherwise somewhere in this post.

Like many bloggers, I've wondered if I have what it takes to be a professional writer. Like Eric, of A New Eric, I experimented with sites like Helium and Associated Content. I've made the mistake of trying GetaFreelancer and finding people from India who want a lot of work for little pay and have had to add at least one of these people to my Yahoo block list.

I've had success and failures and a lot of things I wish I could go back and edit now. I've also learn a great deal about how to write searchable web engine content. Of course, I worry that this might ruin me for print media.

By the way, if there are any artists out there who want to do a Mormon themed web-comic, I need an Artist for All is Well. The only requirement is that you must draw better than I do. This is not hard.

Word Press Link

2007-09-16T15:44:00.001-04:00

I could not continue with the Moveable Type blog for technical reasons and had to move it over to a Wordpress format. You can find the new link at sinisterporpoise.evilporpoise.us.

To my friends in Outer Blogness who need to be linked to, please e-mail me so I can make sure you are listed.

New site is ready...

2007-03-13T19:40:00.000-04:00

While the domain name will change as soon as I register it, for now you can continue to follow this blog at evilporpoise.us/sinisterporpoise.

2007-03-09T12:32:00.000-05:00

I admit I've been reluctant to post here lately. It's not that I've lost my desire to write or blog, it's simply that each new entry that goes up here causes me extra work. The moving of the posts to the new site is halfway complete. I have not copied everything because some things are unimportant and others are specific to the fact that I'm on Blogger.

That does not mean I intend to go on hiatus anytime soon and I will try to be as active as I ever was. I just find myself busy with other things right now, including the book that you know I'm writing. (It is going well if you want to ask.) I hope to have the files moved by the end of the month and have everything set up sometime in early April. It will not be the First if that's what some of you are thinking.

So, bear with me during this process please. I'll be back with all your sinister porpoisey needs soon enough.

Ex-Mormon Glee over the Mitt Romeny Campaign

2007-02-27T19:21:00.001-05:00

As much as I’d hate to address what is purely a political issue, the candidacy of Mitt Romney forces me to do so. I’ve seen too many people particularly Ex-Mormons think that somehow this will magically expose the church for what they think it is and its membership will dwindle simply because the religion is shown to be as weird and corrupt as they already think it is.

I have a warning to give to these people: Get Real. Information about Mormon theology, doctrine, and its interference in politics is already freely available. The membership of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints may be shrinking, but it’s by no means a mass exodus. What’s worse is that people continue to think that somehow rational thought will debunk Mormonism and all other religions eventually..

Such a belief shows a fundamental lack of understanding about human behavior. Religion is the one thing that all cultures have in common and it is not about common sense or being rational. It is about meaning. Ideally it should be about the improvement of the world and helping individuals to become better people. The problem comes when people try to control it for their own personal agendas or to further their own hatreds.

I’ll admit I have reservations about Romney’s candidacy. I favor Rudy Guliani to win the Republican nomination. I do not know if Mr. Romney will follow the brethren blindly but there have been no assurances from him that he’s not. That's all it took enough of the public to vote for John F. Kennedy.

I hate to sound like I’m prejudiced, but the reason I won’t vote for Mitt is because he is Mormon. Unlike many conservative Christians, it won’t be because I don’t think he believes in Christ, but because I have a deep mistrust when it comes to political matters and the Salt Lake organization.

To Mitt: Good Luck. You’ll need it. Why not start by assuring people that you’re not under the thumb of the prophet? I’d still prefer a candidate that’ll tell a Saudi Arabian prince to “take your check and stick it up you’re a--" to you, but I don't know how many other people have this silly preference.

I've had over 200 posts

2007-02-21T22:25:00.000-05:00

I suppose we all occasionally use our blogs to express moments of self-doubt. I know this blog hasn't always been as good as I'd like it to have been and you can't always write every post with the same quality. Some will be better than others.

As I'm move the archives over to the blog's new home, I noticed that the tone of this blog changed over the two years its been up. I never intended it to focus on Mormonism as much as it did. Yes, it was a major part of my life and strangely I think of myself as Ex-Mormon. (Are Mormons the only group that feels the need to continue with the label?)

Now in some ways I'm cursing myself for writing so much early on. I've got a almost 200 posts to move, and this entry will be the 204th to appear on this blog. I don't know if there's an easier way to do this, and I'll probably have to go and convert some of the tags Blogger uses that do not have meaning to a Movable Type blog.

But it blogging has been good. It let me know where my strengths as a writer lie, in much the same way as my attempts at detective fiction are making me question whether or not I should be doing it. Perhaps instead of trying to write fiction, I should go into thoughtful essays on my personal philosophy. The only problem I have with that is that I'm not sure that there's a market for it.

Don't worry, I'll keep on blogging and sometime in the near future, the link will be sinisterporpoise.com, not sinisterporpoise.blogspot.com

Moving the Location sometime in the future

2007-02-20T22:23:00.000-05:00

I have in the past considering moving this blog from Blogger to somewhere else. The nice thing about Blogger is that it automatically lists my Blog on Google. The downside is I don't have as much control over the content as I might elsewhere. While it is true that Blogger for the most part leaves my content alone, they have changed it in the past. (Look through the archives.) It was minor, but those who've switched to the new Blogger know about the added problems with their new system.

I am in the process of setting a new blog up, but it'll most likely take a while. In the meantime, if your link is wrong, please drop me a note and I'll fix it.

Sound and Fury

2007-02-18T20:29:00.000-05:00

I'll admit that I have not done as much with Blogger Beta as can be done, particularly with the labels, but I really have no desire to use them anyway. Isn't it enough they've forced the software on everyone now without asking for anyone's input? Good grief, Google, can I at least have my original login name back?

Well, I've been toying around with a movable type blog and hosting elsewhere, but there's one thing you do get with Blogger that you wouldn't there. Blogger blogs are automatically listed on Google's search engine, while I'd have to wait with a blog elsewhere. Then again it depends on the nuisances I have to endure. One more edit like the one I complained about a few months ago and I'd seriously consider it.

As fun as blogging is, it's not what I wish to address today. I've been trying to get to this for a while but it is not a comfortable topic for me to begin with and I get funny if people I actually know face to face read my blog. I will tend to hold back a little. The thing is this is my space and I will do as I wish here so long as Google allows it.

Not only that there are certain subjects which make me uncomfortable to begin with, and the one I've been trying to address falls under that category. It has to do with sexual orientation and gender identity. In many people's mind they are the same thing, which of course they are not. I don't know exactly how to sort this out and the confusion in English is even more understandable since the word sex is both a noun and a verb. Still, it gets a little sticky for me for the rare times I do get asked about it. I have no interest in dating at the moment. In fact I probably couldn't tell you if someone was flirting with me since I'm pretty much oblivious to those signals.

My love life or lack thereof is not the point here, however. Someone who is trans is not necessarily gay or lesbian. They may be, but it varies in roughly inverse proportion to the gay/straight mix found among the general population.

Blogger's Block

2007-02-13T23:09:00.000-05:00

I've been having a bit of Blogger's block lately. I started to write something today and found I couldn't. The mistake I often make while doing this is trying to force what I write which generally results in a lower quality entry than I might otherwise have written.

I could go into the writing process here, but I think others in the Outer Blogosphere are better qualified to do it and Sierra Sage runs a site dedicated to it. I plan on signing up for her workshops one day, but I'd host her exercises somewhere else. I have a slight confession to make. I don't read fiction posted on blogs as a general rule. It's not that the fiction is bad it's just that most of it doesn't interest me and I'm reading the blogs for a different reason. I like to know what their thoughts on the topics they blog about are.

It seems that I am a point in my life where I have a lot more confidence than I used to. Whether or not this is warranted is a different matter but it has caused a shift in my outlook at least. I tend to spend a little less time thinking about problems now and more time implement solutions. Unfortunately it's showing here and I seem to have less energy to put into my writing or it could be perhaps that I'm devoting more of it to the book I am writing and not really getting anywhere on it.

I hope this condition ends soon and I can get back to where I was before with at least some interesting ideas, but for now I seem to be stuck.

Happy Birthday

2007-02-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

I don't know if any of you care, but February 10th is my 30th birthday. Strangely it seems to be no big deal, but it's not like it should be, should it? After all it's an arbitrary number and its not a big accomplishment.

I mean it's not hard to look back on our life and see where not where we expected to be when we were younger or how our dreams may not have exactly turned out the way they planned. It's not unusual. We learn as we get older that the ideals that were driven into our heads when we were younger aren't exactly the way things work in the real world and sometime after we turn 20, we learn we don't really know everything. Fortunately, I continue to maintain the illusion that I do know everything quite successfully.

I'm trying to be entertaining here and in some way thoughtful, but I must admit I've found that to be a little bit harder of late than of usual. Perhaps it's because of a mindset shift in my own life. It may or may not be the case.

Of course I'm sure my readers have noticed this in the blog itself, but at least so far they have been kind enough not to mention it. So, while I don't plan on going out and exactly having a Bacchanalia, I think I'll be spending the next day or so celebrating.

The Gambler

2007-02-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

I actually meant to do this a while ago. Believe it or not this post was brought on by the bar across the street waking me up – yet again – playing music too loudly. Strangely enough the music this time wasn’t some rock song whose lyrics I had never heard or wouldn’t care if I did. (Now if they played ska punk or swing on a regular basis I’d be a customer there often.)

No, this time it was at the end of a party that a local university group had rented out and it was signaling the end of it. I suppose at this point I should tell you what the song is. Very well, if you insist it was Kenny Roger’s The Gambler.

Now if any of you have noticed that some major life decisions always come in moments of insomnia you can guess where this is going, but strangely enough the game got me thinking as to how life itself applies to this song. I’m not sure if life is like a poker game and if so, it’d be similar to the analogy Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman used in their book Good Omens, where you have a dealer who smiles all the time and won’t tell anyone the rules.

I sincerely hope I don’t need to post the lyrics after this one as I imagine most people already know them as most people already know the chorus which is relevant. In any case I’ll post it here for easy reference. It goes, “You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run.” I’m not sure I can make an analogy about counting your money when setting at the table. Perhaps you’d have to be drunk enough to know what the song Stairway to Heaven is about. (Strangely enough I once told someone that they were drunk enough to know what that Led Zeppelin song was about this New Year’s Eve, and surely enough they told me exactly what the song was about. I guess it takes hard liquor to understand Stairway to Heaven, although I think LSD helps too.)

But I was thinking that’s exactly what life is like. Sometimes you need to know when to stay there and stick it out (“hold ‘em”), know when you’re in a situation when you can’t win (“fold ‘em”) and of course knowing when to walk away and when to run are obvious.

It could be easily applied to the moment when you found out the church wasn’t what it claimed to be but this should not be limited to Mormonism specifically. We often treat life like it’s a big game of chess where strategies can make all the difference, but it isn’t. Chance plays a role as well. It’s a lot easier if you start out as a Rockefeller if you start out life as a child of Pennsylvania Dutch parents who are working poor and have decided sometime before you were born to become Mormons.

And I guess that’s where chance comes in. You either get to decide to keep the hand you’re or dealt in life or “ask” the dealer for new cards through your own actions. And sometimes you just have to know when to go to find a new table.

Perhaps the songwriter for the Gambler intended this or he didn’t. It really doesn’t matter and I’m probably not the first to make such an easy analogy out of this song, but it’s the first time I realized the message hidden in it although quite transparent might be something more than just a nice story about a chance encounter a poker player has with an aging gambler.

2007-01-31T18:03:00.000-05:00

Once again I have missed the carnival of the veil deadline, but this time it is entirely my fault. Well, hopefully I'll get a submission in by next time.

I'm not intending to miss them things are just happening that way. Well I promise to get back on top of it and bring you some of my most pressing thoughts within the next two weeks.

And perhaps during those two weeks I'll watch "Paint Your Wagon" as someone suggested and have something to say about that.

My apologies to the Good Folks at Times and Seasons

2007-01-26T10:23:00.000-05:00

The link to you was simply I could find although Bishop Rick provided the actual sources for the quotes. While I do not normally read your publication (truthfully the only Mormon publications I still check unless you count the occasional Robert Kirby column, are Sunstone and Dialog and that's only because of the interesting approach they take on Mormon issues although one would should not confuse them with actual Mormon doctrine.)

I did not intend to stir up anything and if I did I'm truly sorry. Perhaps linking to you was a poor choice. My views on Mormonism are mine alone and should not be taken as any representation of any of the other commentors here or those I link to. They may sometimes echo them, but then again, wouldn't this warning be unnecessary since that is in fact the whole point of a blog? I don't blame you for checking the link, I do in fact do the same thing if something appears in my history I don't recognize.

Finally, I'd like to welcome my sister (who posts here as 'Val' or at least used to) to Blogging, but I do not think she'll be joining Outer Blogness anytime soon.) Despite rumors that might be circulating, La and I are not related. I think she'll be doing something on local coupon clipping which unless any of my readers live in North Central Pennsylvania will be of no or little use to them.

And while I'm rambling on, I do check the searches from time to time and have learned of the existence of a band called Taking Back Sunday. It took me a while to piece it out because I thought people were looking for the lyric to a song by the same title. I have never heard them and I'm not sure I'll post the lyrics despite the traffic posting lyrics usually drives to me.

Oh, and after reading a book by the late and venerable Jacques Costeau on dolphins, I'd like to answer the one person's query on how you teach dolphins to speak. This has believe it or not been tried but the results are inconclusive. So far all we know of dolphin language is that each of them has a distinctive 'whistle' that serves as their name.

HiveRadical -- here you go

2007-01-12T15:02:00.000-05:00

Stupid things Mormon Leaders have Said

While it does not give the source which I strongly suspect is Brigham Young, it does confirm that it has been said. I am aware that the church does not teach it now, but it almost certainly did and never issued a retraction. No longer teaching it is not the same thing.

The Need for Mystery

2007-01-11T12:20:00.000-05:00

If you’ve read the last two entries you know the year did not exactly end well or start well for me, but that’s behind me now. I have my new computer back in my possession and in more ways than one I am back in business. Now that I no longer have to contend with the local library’s filters which blocked out many of your blogs and indeed would not let me read Charlie Brown’s bio on the Peanuts website, I can now make a full return to Outer Blogness.

Perhaps the one benefit of my computer being down is that I caught up with several movies I intended to watch along with doing some reading. One of the books reminded me of one particular problem I’ve always had when trying to read some Creation scientist trying to debunk Evolution (which by the way says nothing about the existence or non-existence of God.) Typically they start off with the Big Bang which is a completely different theory. Before I get too far off track here, let me just say the person was defining words to suit him. That is not important. The book was written by a Christian pastor for an obviously Christian audience. I was hoping for a slightly better understanding of Christian theology and came away from the book knowing about as much as I did before I picked it up.

But I’ll start getting to the point in this entry with another book I read over my unplanned vacation – The DaVinci code. Perhaps because history is one of my points of contention with the Brethren in Salt Lake, I find it annoying when someone misrepresents religious history particularly. While I’m not exactly sure it was Dan Brown’s intent to imply that Goddess worship as Neo-Pagans and Wiccans practice today existed before the religions of Wicca and Neo-Paganism came to be, I have seen no source where he denies this is the case. Most of the ancient Romans were hard polytheists, Mister Brown, not Goddess worshippers. Goddesses (note the plural) were found in their worship, but despite the presence of two Iberian deities, Magna Mater and Magna Pater (both of which can be found in the Dictionary of Roman Religion), they were not modern Neo-Pagans.

But despite my distaste for religions and people being dishonest about religious history particularly aside, it doesn’t matter if the history is true or not as he is trying to convey something else with the book and the themes of the quest and even the conspiracy and the fact that the book itself is a mystery all tie in to the point I am trying to make.

Whether it’s the Grail, Trinity, or deciding we should try to feel the force for those who think they’re Jedi, we all seem to need mysteries in our lives. If we don’t have sufficient mystery or wonder, we’re more than certainly willing to create it and this is in part what I think the UFO craze is all about.

Is it because we’re trying to recapture the wonder we felt as children when so many more things were a new experiences for us? (Of course people who are older than I am can answer this question more readily.) I don’t think so. It may be that why mystery is necessary is itself a mystery, but I think it’s more likely that we need to experience awe and wonder from time to time. It gets harder when we learn things and people will almost always react in a certain way and if we can’t find wonder in what is here anymore, we’ll readily fantasize about it. While one could easily say this is a bad thing, I would think otherwise, for while art provides us a mirror – certain arts, especially those where a story must be told invoke the imagination, helping us to discover more important truths as our minds wonder through the objects of our imaginations.

2007-01-08T11:47:00.000-05:00

While I can only thank all the Gods that Blogger Beta is no longer (and I really hope all of you have to suffer what the people who agreed to beta test there software for them with no recompense from Blogger suffer through what the people who dealt with the Google's idiocy had to suffer with. Hope you enjoy your login ID being changed to your Google one if you have any other Google account!) I'd ask for forgiveness from people if this year did not start off with dropping my computer and necessitating what is likely to be an expensive repair. Right now The Sinister Porpoise is in the mood for random people she doesn't know to suffer, especially since I can read very few of the Outer Blogness blogs, many of which seemed to be blocked by the library filter for containing content on drugs and alcohol. (Watch. I bet I won't be able to access this post as long as it remains on the front page now.)

At least I'm over the initial anger over it and I spent a few good days chewing myself (and other people) silently in my apartment until I realized there was very little I could do about the whole thing except try to recover. At least all the components with the possible exception of the motherboard or the processor seem to be in good shape.

I shall be returning in full force to Outer Blogness and in fact to the Carnival of the Veil as soon as it is possible.

2007-01-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

Ever had those times when the world seems against us? True, I've been having one of those times lately and I've had times where I find it hard not to believe in a higher power that pulls what he pulls on humanity merely for his own amusment. (I think this was the point of Kurt Vonegut's Cat's Cradle I suppose you wonder where I'm going with this.

Not too long ago I got a newer computer to replace one which, although it worked, had a few problems with it. Things go well for a while, but the fan on the power supply stops working and the power supply overheats. Fine, no problem. I get a new powersupply installed on New Year's Day but drop the blasted case while taking the computer up to my apartment. Now it won't work and I don't have a clue what's wrong with it. I suppose it's either a new one -- again -- or taking to get it repaired. (Which at least I trust the place where I did my internship.)

Sometimes these things happen and it has nothing to do with a higher power, curses or bad luck, although it is tempting to believe that is the case. (My current favorite theory is that my mother's spirit is preventing me from getting a good computer since I once told her that my computer was more important to me than her or something like that. Repeated calls from the police at 3 a.m. and her belief that you were trying to kill her make statements like that easy regardless of whether or not you really mean them.)

Of course, it is my parent's fault that I'm a klutz since that's a genetic thing but dropping the computer itself was one of those things that just happened. Unfortunately the line of thinking that leads us to believe something beyond ourselves is causing bad luck in our own lives (which may be the case as some things, such as the weather are beyond our control, but these forces are impersonal), also leads certain belief systems to believe bad circumstances in this life are for things that cannot be remembered that our spirits supposedly did in some former existence. Mormonism is guilty of this, especially since people of different skin color were supposedly fence sitters in the war in Heaven. (By the way, does anyone know if this is current Mormon doctrine? I don't remember it being taught in Sunday School, but living in what is sometimes referred to as the "mission field" by arrogant Utah Mormons may mean they had to tone some things down.) But the Buddhists, Hindus and probably a few other groups I don't mention or don't know about do it as well. I remember having an argument online with a Buddhist a long time ago that the reason the people who were hit by Katrina suffered so badly was because of actions in a previous life which they now needed to make up for. Excuse me, but does the weather know or exactly care who gets hit with hurricanes? Who governs these things anyway? I will not continue because my knowledge of Buddhism is not perfect although I believe the sentiment was echoed by the Dalai Lama.

But it's easier to believe someone or something has it out for us or that justice carries into the next life (which of course I hope it does unless it gets applied to me. Justice is one of thos tricky things to ask for, like asking your boss to pay you exactly what you're worth.), but the fact is impersonal forces cause bad things to happen as well as our own actions. Odds are it's not some other entity who has it in for us.

For Auld Lang Syne My Dear

2006-12-26T18:36:00.000-05:00

Normally I would do this in my journal and not share it, but it has become a tradition of mine to look back on the old year as the New Year approaches. (The other tradition is watching the camp classic Army of Darkness.) Instead I think I’ll do it on my blog this year. It’ll certainly beat the normal course I take of complaining about the Pennsylvania Dutch tradition that calls for sauerkraut on this day. I still hate the tradition by the way, but I think I made it clear last year. I’m okay with the pork but skip the disgusting pickled cabbage.

While this has not been the best of years for me, it has certainly not been the worst and it seems that I’ve learned some things about myself and it is this I usually reflect on. I was finally able to start earning a decent amount of money online and that I can achieve goals if I stick to them. If this is simply because I might have Asperger’s Syndrome (which I’ve never been officially tested for but several people have strong suspicions it might be the case.)

All in all it does not seem to have been an incredible or Earth-shaking year as far as life lessons are concerned. The year my mother died and the events that led up to it were a much stronger test for me. While I think I understand what is meant by personal growth now, it was not immediately clear to me for a long time and while I think I have grown somewhat, I also know to be weary of such personal judgments because I am hardly unbiased when it comes to evaluating personal progress. I’m willing to bet most of my readers aren’t either, at least when it comes to evaluating themselves.

It’s been a relatively stable year for the most part and little has changed, but on the other hand it looks like it’ll be a straight line from here on out. I hope all of you have a Happy New Year and can suggest something to me to replace the sauerkraut.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

As I will likely be online but not necessarily blogging over the next two weeks, I thought I'd take the opportunity to wish people a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holidays whatever you happen to be celebrating.

And one question -- is it legal to strangle a younger relative because he insists that you said you'd buy him Lego products in the mall when in fact you did not and are on record as saying you will not buy him anything Lego or Lego-like?

2006-12-12T22:13:00.000-05:00

     Well, I've been a little busy lately. I'm still debating whether or not to quit my day job, since quitting means I have to pay Medicare and Social Security taxes, on the other hand, it means I do not have to pay the ridiculously stupid occupational privilege tax that some past Pennsylvania politician thought was a good idea. (Really paying for the privilege to work in a certain town? It's a stupid idea but if you move to another town in Pennsylvania you are not immune since all PA towns have it.)

    More or less this blog entry is to assure people I am not dead. I am still alive and well as it were and have settled down to my writing project a little more seriously. I may be less available for blog posts, but you can still reach me via e-mail if what you need to say is that important.

     Oh and to the one person who left the comment thinking I really was going to dedicate my blog exclusively to anti-Mormonism (and I don't mean our beloved Molly, who we will convert to our wicked ways yet), I have no intention of doing so.

2006-12-06T20:06:00.000-05:00

   I suppose I should sit down and write a blog entry but I've not been in the mood to write one lately. In truth, I've not been in the mood to write much of anything which is making my other writing project suffer.    I could say the novel would go a little faster if the laptop I have was returned to me working, but as things stand right now I expect I'll get it back around Christmas whether it works or not.

      I guess I'm just posting to let you know I'm still living.   Not much has come up that's bloggable here lately, I've been in a more determined than introspective mode which I guess is good as I continue to work on some of my personal goals.

What? All this and talk of peace?

2006-11-29T11:51:00.000-05:00

   The Christmas season once again descends upon us and it looks like those who engaged in the Blog Everyday contest will soon be relieved of their burden. I did not engage in this merely because I knew the quality of my writing would suffer if I had to blog everyday. I've tried it in the past. I can do it if I have something to talk about, but I cannot do it if there is nothing I want to write about. (Perhaps I should engage in Cynthia Bagley's writing exercises as she is right that blogging has rekindled my interest in writing. Now if something could be done to restore my desire to code.)

     But I got an e-mail from someone who shall remain anonymous (and I have not answered his other question, but while someone related to me does post here from time to time, I am not related to anyone in Outer Blogness.) hoping that I'd find peace with myself. A number of Outer Blogness posts in November seemed to deal with the same subject.

      If we seek peace, are we not missing the point of our spiritual pursuits or our quests for personal growth? Call it what you will, but I thought the point was to make yourself a better person.   People often go on about the benefits of how their religion brings them peace or joy (the peace part seems absent in Mormonism, and if the use of anti-depressants is as high as to be believed, most of the "joy" comes from prescription medication.)

    It seems to me that peace should be a side effect of the journey, not the goal in and of itself, as whatever path the journey takes you on, you will struggle along it and you'll not always be at the inner peace that the others think they are trying to achieve.

      It is a struggle, but cannot it not be said that the struggle is more important than the brief moments of rest you find along the way?

2006-11-22T23:53:00.000-05:00

    If my readers will forgive me for writing a rambled and disjointed post, I will share with them some news. I've hinted at a project I'm working on. Like many others in Outer Blogness, I've decided to write a book after a publisher asked to see a manuscript from me. I'm not too excited about this because it merely means a publisher asked to see a manuscript, nothing more. A number of things could keep it from the eventual publication.

     But like the established writer, Natalie R. Collins, I'll be working on a mystery series. (I might also start work on two "Roman" based works I've had ideas about for awhile.) Thankfully as my idea is a film-noir fantasy mix it will blissfully not mention Mormons in any way and although they may exist in my fictional world, they will not be the focus of the work.

     Secondly, I've somehow managed to get the fourth ranking for "porpoise" on Google's search. I'm not sure how this happened and it's the blurb someone else submitted to the open directory project. I'm not sure I can change this, although I'd very much like to. (Even though this has happened, the vast majority of the searchers who come to this blog will still probably be looking for song lyrics.)   I suppose just to placate these searcher although they seem to be rare, I might have to post things about actual porpoises. (And by the way to the one searcher -- that's Joseph Smith is a lier, lair is a completely different and unrelated word. Joseph Smith was probably a lier, but he was never a lair.)

Hazy Shade of Winter Lyrics

2006-11-21T15:10:00.000-05:00

While the number of hits on my blog for the MMBT's "The Impression That I Get" is impressive, I've also been getting a number of people searching for the lyrics to A Hazy Shade of Winter. (But they don't seem to know that's the title... I've seen leaves are brown and time time time see what's become of me.)

The song was done originally by Simon and Garfunkel and was redone in the 80s by the Bangles. To help those searchers out, here are the lyrics:

Time, time, time, see whats become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside, its bound to be a better ride
Than what youve got planned
Carry your cup in your hand
And look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hang on to your hopes, my friend
Thats an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again
Look around, the grass is high
The fields are ripe, its the springtime of my life

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Wont you stop and remember me
At any convenient time
Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime

But look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Look around, leaves are brown
Theres a patch of snow on the ground...

November 20th

2006-11-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

    I started out to write this entry a few days ago. Even those who are engaged in writing in a casual way know how difficult it is when you set down to write something in mind.   This is true even if it's as something as typically as short as a blog entry is.

     However, I did have something in particular I wanted to address for this entry and have it included in this week's Carnival of the Veil. I may be writing about it a little early, but the dates of the carnival deadline and November 20th don't quite match up.

    What's special about November 20th? Perhaps I've treated the subject too lightly up to this point. It's not that it's my birthday. (The Sinister Porpoise's birthday is in February.) No, it is a sad day if you are aware of what it signifies. November 20th is the Transgendered Day of Remembrance.

       I wanted to do some research on it, but I'm not the type of person who can make my writing fit well if I'm encumbered by too much facts. I strongly recommend doing a Google search and visiting the other sites where the people who were murdered are remembered.

      I'd prefer not to address this at all.   I wish we could live in a world where people were not murdered for their differences but it's all too easily to late irrational hate turn into anger and let your anger guide you.

       They paid a price for being true to themselves.   May we all never have to pay such a price.

P.S. I don't know if I was unclear but the day remembers people who were murdered. I don't know if Mattt's comment is trying to point out my lack of clarity, humor, or knowledge I personally don't have.

2006-11-09T21:47:00.000-05:00

     Jeff Lindsey had an interesting post on his blog, Mormanity. Jeff Lindsey may not know it, he was influential when I made my decision to finally rescind my membership in the Mormon church, but I do have some respect for the man although I disagree with him. When I first encountered the website that he runs I was amused by his proud display of some of the awards he's won. Quite few of these came from groups that are decidedly Anti-Mormon. Clearly, the man does have a sense of humor, albeit a sarcastic and sometimes subtle one. (Blogger, if you're really going to edit me for this, can you at least try to keep the rhythm I'm going for here? Don't think I've forgotten your little faux pas changing LDS church to the Church of Jesus Christ elsewhere on my blog.)

    He even acknowledges there may be valid reasons for leaving, but he wants us to search for the divine. I must disagree strongly with Mr. Lindsey that there is evidence of the divine in the Mormon scriptures, and the things that may be considered evidence of the divine aren't at all unique to the Mormon church. When it comes to writing, I consider showing what beauty a language is capable of or expressing your thoughts clearly to be evidence of the divine -- if that was the writer's purpose.   What parts of the Book of Mormon do show this come from elsewhere, either plagiarized from the new testament by the hand of Joseph Smith, or plagiarized by the Nephites from the Old Testament they took with them to America.

     Writing is not the only evidence of the divine though. Given the deceptions that were carried out by Joseph Smith and leaders of the church, I find I must ask myself, is there really any evidence of the divine within the church as an organization? It often goes on about how much charity work it does, but at least in the United States, those figures are hidden from its members.

    While it may be true I have a blind spot where Mormonism is concerned because it has not always have had a positive effect on me, I've been thinking more or less lately about whether the organization is good or evil. I suppose some of this comes from a report of a family member having an argument with my father.   I did not think the argument was necessary, but on the other hand my father should have no better to say "Mormonism is an easy religion for women. You only have to obey your husband" in front of that particular family member. (I hope she doesn't mind this. We all at times say things before we start to think. To some of us it happens far more often than others.)   I suppose she could have brought up the high use of anti-depressants among Mormon women, but I was not privy to the conversation, and I do not know if she did.   She also brought up electroshock therapy used as late as the 70's at BYU -- which he did not believe.

     Often the intents of people trying to good or noble, but would the saying "The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions" have become a clich�� were it not for the tendency to do evil things while believing you're serving the greater good?

    I will not deny that the church produces good people, but those who Robert Kirby calls genuine Mormons are few and far between. It is highly likely these people would have been good whether or not they were members of the church. However, while this is the case, there are many people for whom religion is a tool to make them a better person and this is where I think religion is most beneficial to a society, if we do not carry it so far that we're willing to harm others for our belief. A good example is the 12-step program favored by AA. I'd rather have a harmless evangelical proselytizing me than a heroin addict who's trying to take my wallet. At least the first person is far less likely to use violence.

     The question is, does the Mormon church do this as a whole? I'm tempted to say no, but in this case, I must be cautious of my bias. I think it could be, but as an organization it is largely immature, although it could have learned from its predecessors and avoided many of the pitfalls other churches soon fell into.

    Perhaps it is time we re-evaluated all our religions to see if this is the purpose that they're serving? After all, evidence of the divine can be found in someone being a better human being more easily than such evidence can be found by translating golden plates you found buried in a hillside.

2006-11-09T19:50:00.000-05:00

I'm beta-testing Performancing for Firefox and it has a few quirks with Blogger Beta. The most annoying one is the lack of titles and the double tag. But it is something I've been looking for as it lets me edit the blog offline without pasting things in from Open Office.

2006-11-06T21:07:00.000-05:00

    I've been told I should dedicate a blog exclusively to Anti-Mormonism. I've also been asked if all Ex-Mormons are gay or just the ones I know.   Well, considering the person who asked the question is Ex-Mormon herself whether or not the church considers her such, she might have wanted to think that one through a little better, but I didn't think about it myself at the time.

    The truth is while it would be easy to dedicate a blog to exposing the Mormon church, and people have done so. (The long-winded Mormon Truth is a good example.) Blogs are weblogs or personal journals where the thoughts of a person get aired -- or at least that's the personal weblogs. Businesses sometimes use them and blogs are often used as a means of political commentary as well.   The truth is I already have enough blogs to keep me busy for awhile and I'm not very good about updating most of them. This one is an exception as I consider it my "main blog." This is usually where my best stuff goes. Normal websites that I do not link to here such as Deconstructor's are the best place to go if you're looking for information on the darker side of Mormonism.

      And I will blog about what I wish to blog about, although the line of "Got Porpoise?" products might have a certain ring to it if there was enough interest. On the other hand, I am tempted to make slight alterations to those "Got Purpose" bumper stickers every time I see them.

Crises of Faith

2006-11-01T18:31:00.000-05:00

    I've written in the past of people who I like to call spiritual vultures. There are the people ready to sweep in on someone in a crisis of faith and get them to convert to their religion.   They exist primarily in Christianity and mostly among the Fundamentalist sects nowdays. Yet it seems that some Ex-Mormons when they find someone is questioning their own beliefs are ready to jump down the individual's throat and tell them how wrong the questoner is.   It seems there's something in every human that makes him want the questioning individual to agree with thim.

     It is not for me to say whether any religion, spiritual path or philosophy is valid so long as it is not a danger to the practitioner, others, or the community as a whole.   I fully acknowledge the possibility that I may be wrong in my beliefs, whatever they may be. I've found they've changed as I've gotten older, although I still hang on to to a "Zen" writing method.    At the same time I want to scream at the people doing this to stop. Yet if I did that I'd be no better than the people engaging in the spiritual vulture behavior that I abhor.

    I realize there are those who say I play a dangerous game with my eternal soul, but such people are those who try to convert others with the threat of eternal punishment, and I do not believe they should be heeded. Such people may detest the writings of Niccolo Machiavelli, it seems they eagerly embrace his tactics when it comes to spiritual pursuits. Does a God that created the universe and everyghing it contains really believe that it's better to be feared than loved?

     Perhaps it may not be sensational and perhaps we wil not see spectacular mystical experiences such as those that happened to Paul or supposedly happened to the Buddha, but letting people take their own quiet path of exploration seems a surer way.

       While I can not prove that there is something in us that lives beyond our deaths in any way that a scientist would except, I do think we have a spirit, even if as die-hard atheists are likely to maintain it's nothing more than our interpretation of our thoughts, experiences, and memories.   Even so, I'm sure almost everyone would agree there is something within us all that makes us more than a collection of our parts.

       There are times to challenge others in order for their growth and their are times when a person is already challenged enough with things as they currently are. I do not think a crisis of faith is the right time to be forcing your opinions on another individual.

2006-10-30T08:42:00.000-05:00

   If you are familiar with the whole Pirates vs. Ninjas debate that has raged on the Internet for the past two years, you will know where I am going with this. If not I suggest you head on over to realultimatepower.net to get an idea. Unfortunately, the opposing Pirates site is down, but it still lives on in the memory of many. So, in that spirit I give you the following facts about Mormons.   Of course, I will credit them to Jeff Lindsey and the good people at Fair and Farms.

       1.) Mormons are Reptiles
       2.) Mormons try to baptize people all the time
       3.) The purpose of Mormons is to annoy and convert people.

2006-10-27T11:08:00.000-04:00

   For various reasons I had to reset the template of the blog, ,as you can see I've been rebuilding the link list, trying to add blogs I'd forgotten to add or didn't add for whatever reason when it was built. If you were on my link list before e-mail me at sinisterporpoise@ yahoo.com. (Do not use the e-mail blogger lists as my address as I was not happy with this particular change.)

     And if I still don't link to you it could be because of one of these three reasons:
            1.) I haven't got to it yet
            2.) I forgot.
            3.) I think your blog is written poorly and I refuse to link to you.

             If the case is number 3, I will not tell you. :P

Who can rewrite the Book of Mormon?

2006-10-25T16:05:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wonder why Mormon theology makes such good science fiction? In the television arena, we have the original Battlestar Galactica. (Please don't talk to me about the new one. I have such fond memories of the old one that I cannot stomach the new one, yet it would be watchable if it hadn't tried to connect itself to this now campy old series where they have the ship much larger than an aircraft carrier running on a Apple IIE.) In fiction, a number of good science fiction writers are Mormon, the most notable perhaps being Orson Scott Card. (His novel, The Worthing Saga follows the Book of Mormon discovery story closely and even has a “Moroni” stand-in.)

It seems to me no one in the church hierarchy or even the average Mormon seems to wonder why their theology converts so well to the genre, nor does it seem to me that any Catholic asks why their theology converts so well to horror films. Admittedly, most of them are well done horror films and not the Evil Dead variety, but it still begs the question.

Perhaps it's because Mormonism, if we don't accept the Book of Mormon as literal truth, starts out with a foundation of a badly-written alternate history novel. We also have some force-like elements in that only men can use the priesthood, although perhaps a comparison to Dune would be more appropriate here, because in Frank Herbert's classic, there's a religious organization that admits only women. (Well, that's not entirely true, but it seems that the men who have tried have as is put in the novel not failed, but “tried and died.”) So, perhaps Mormonism would suit itself better to space fantasies such as Star Wars.)

Now let's go further, we have God originating on the planet Kolob, which of course makes it into both versions of Battlestar Galactica as the home world of humanity. Not only that, god has a body and apparently needs to engage in certain activities with a wife or wives to create new spirits. (Which reminds me, has anyone ever noticed the look on men's and women's faces when the discussion of polygamy arise? A man will have a tone and a look of “Yeah, let's bring back the good old days.” His wife, if present, will have a facial expression which conveys the message of “I'll kill you if you ever try it.”)

Perhaps the church would be better off if they recommissioned someone to rewrite the book of Mormon from a different set of metal plates which are in their vaults. Which material doesn't matter since the plates will be taken by an angel afterwards. Let's say platinum just because it's more valuable than gold.

Who should be hired for such a project? Personally, I'd prefer Douglas Adams, but as he has hied to Kolob or wherever the dead go, that might be a little difficult. I think Terry Pratchett would be up to the task, but if I were him, I'd be tempted to make the leadership of the Nephites more like the wizards who inhabit Ankh-Morpork's Unseen University. Perhaps Stephen King should be hired, at least then the book would keep some people awake, rather than putting everyone to sleep.

Regardless of who does it, I think if the church admitted the book was fiction and in bad need of a rewrite, the old Mark Twain claim of the Book of Mormon being “chloroform in print” would go away. Too bad H.P. Lovecraft isn't around anymore. At least the book of Mormon could doctrinally support Mormonism's claims of multiple gods, even if most of the gods H.P. Lovecraft uses are malevolent.

Peter Priesthood

2006-10-24T11:02:00.000-04:00

Well, while my bit of detective work into Molly to Molly the Mormon's identity proved to be incorrect, and I am unfortunately not free to release her identity. (Much like the person who had dinner with Carly Simon and found out who the song “You're so Vain” was about. Unfortunately, while there probably are people who would pay a good deal of money for the latter information, it seems that dear sweet Molly is only known among us here in Outer Blogness and by the people who have mistakenly taken offense to her writings.

No, today my subject will be Peter Priesthood. Unfortunately, I cannot support those of you who think this is Bishop Rick. While the assumption that he was Molly was understandable as they do have similar writing styles, I am afraid after seeing Peter's lovely blog, that his writing style is too dissimilar from Bishop Rick's to make the assumption that they are the same person. I also do believe this poor misguided soul is serious in some of his comments.

Peter, I know you do not read this blog, nor are you likely to at any point as you'll probably take the advice of a good Relief Society member like Molly, but I really think you do need to reconsider some of your thoughts. Your friend – if he is gay – is unlikely to be helped out of the condition by organizations such as Evergreen or Exodus. Therapy may help him if it is causing him distress but the truth is the condition is not a mental disorder. It may or may not have a genetic component, science has not cleared the issue up yet, but the evidence seems to be leaning in that direction.

So, though I doubt you'll see my blog, Mr. Priesthood, if you are serious about trying to help your friend, the first thing you can do is be there for him, and the second thing you can do is come research, especially about your own church's less than stellar treatment of such people. By the way, the title of this entry links to his blog.

Does Religion promote freedom or violence? I don't know, maybe both.

2006-10-18T14:35:00.000-04:00

Now that I have my beloved and apparently improved OpenOffice back, I can take the challenge of taking up longer entries again. The computer troubles I had are over, but it doesn't mean they were any less annoying. At least I won't have the tendency to use the passive rather than active voice any more as it seems the program now has a grammar checker.

Anyway, I wish to returned to a book I've read earlier. I've often see Christians take credit for Christianity leading to greater freedom in the West. Now, it may be that I'm not enough of a historical scholar of the Renaissance to know whether or not this is true, but it seems to me Christianity regardless of how well intentioned it was can be blamed for severely limiting the freedoms of Western Europe during the decline of the Roman Empire and the Dark Ages, but the writers who typically make this claim aren't Catholics – they're Protestants. While it is true that the Rise of the Protestant movement did lead up to the Age of Enlightenment and the reforms that would eventually be embodied in the writings of Locke and the American constitution, I'm not sure it's a cause and effect relationship.

After all, who can we credit more with wanting to limit freedoms today? The fundamentally religious who are involved in Politics, or those who follow their religion or proclaim no religion at all? Don't get me wrong, I'm not against religious people and I'd be lying if I said religion hadn't played a major role in my life (which since this is an Outer Blogness blog, many of you already know.) I don't know if I'm rightly suspicious of those who want to base their politics on their religion or not. I believe the two should be separated. This may or may not be possible since our ethics and morals do guide our political beliefs, but ideally, the politics should be based off the practical needs of a country. It's one thing to believe for religious reasons that one should not drink. It's quite another to force the entire country to that belief when most people clearly want alcohol. (The example of Prohibition is also why I'm in favor of the legalization of many drugs. I have no desire to use them myself, but it seems that we're just strengthening drug cartels with our currently policy.)

I think the deeper issue here is that people want to see good in whatever belief system they practice. Certainly, I will not deny that religion has done much good, but I will not deny that it has done much harm over the years as well. This is especially true of religions that claim they have exclusive rights to the truth, as these are the ones that are most likely to try to convert the unbeliever by the sword. (Okay, although the sword has time honored poetic status, a more modern analogy may be by the gun.)

I think it's natural that humans will sometimes fight, but perhaps we can stop fighting over stupid things like which God is right until we can produce absolute proof that God exists (I believe He does, but that's not to be mistaken for sure knowledge.) Maybe we can fight over more important things like ending oppression.

Molly the Mormon

2006-10-17T19:17:00.000-04:00

I, like many of you in Outer Blogness, would love to know who this person is. The current suspiction points to Bishop Rick, who currently is omitted from my bloglist, but that's simply because I have a hard time remembering the name of his blog and have enough problems tracking down the problems with the link list that are currently taking place.

I must admit when I first encountered this -- er artist -- I thought it was a rather poorly written parody attempt. Unlike many of Molly's readers, I knew at once not to take it seriously. Although I have been taken in by several of Landover Baptist's shut down Landover Baptist sites, it was immediately obvious to me that this was not serious. (On the other hand, I do consider this to be the best form of satire when it's so close to the actual people they're making fun of that it's hard to tell if they're serious or not.)

So Molly, I hope you continue long into the future and if you want to e-mail me and tell me wo you actually are, I won't tell anyone. I would like it however, if you'd add me to your list of blogs not to read.

Need to be Pretentious? Here's some Help

2006-10-15T18:46:00.000-04:00

My alter ego, The Sinister Porpoise dug this up. I take no credit for it. Honestly!

For various reasons which have been well covered on the Internet, Latin is the peferct language to be a pretentious snob in. (Although this blog does not show evidence of it, I do have a keen interest in Roman history, specifically the late Republic period. However, there are times when you simply just don't have the right phrase. So, with respect to Henry Beard who wrote the bestselling Latin for Every Occasion and Latin for Even More Occasions, I thought I'd present you with a few handy sayings. (Please note when I say these I use the Classical, not the Catholic pronounciations.)

Useful Phrases

So, you've suddenly found that you need to say a few choice words in Latin. Here are the phrases1, with handy English translations.

Nescio quid dicas I don't know what you're talking about
Nemo hic adest illius nominis There is no one here by that name
Ita erat quando hic adveni. It was that way when I got here
Nihil declarandum I have nothing to declare
Raptus regaliter Royally screwed
Ut si! As if!
Vescere bracis meis Eat my shorts
Re vera, potas bene Say, you sure are drinking a lot
Noli me vocare. Ego te vocabo. Don't call me. I'll call you.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult
Canis meus id comedit My dog ate it
Die dulci freure Have a nice day
Fac ut vivas Get a life
Fac me cocleario vomere! Gag me with a spoon!
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem Stand aside, little people! I am here on official business

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. I have a catapult. Unless you give me all of your money, I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Utinam barbari spatioum proprium tuum invadant May barbarians invade your personal space
Quo signo nata es? What's your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt... You know, the Romans invented the art of love...

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant May conspirators assasinate you in the hall

Magister mundi sum! I am the master of the universe!

Non sum pisces I am not a fish

Radix lecti Couch potato
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Unitam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy

Cogito ergo sum I think, therefore I am

Cogito ergo doleo I think, therefore I am depressed

Senito aliquos togatos contra me conspirare I think some people in togas are plotting against me

Vah! Denuone latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur. Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Nihili est - in vita priore ego imperator romanus fui That's nothing; in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est Yes, that is a very large amount of corn

Perscriptio in manibus tabellariorum est The cheque is in the post (mail for Americans.)

Non illigitamus carborundum Don't let the b'stards grind you down

Nonne macescis? Have you lost weight?

Minime senuisti! You haven't aged a bit!

Id tibi praebet speciem lepidissimam! It looks great on you!

Capillamentum? Haudquaquam conieci esse! A wig? I never would have guessed!

Braccae tuae aperiuntur Your fly is open

Subucula tua apparet Your slip is showing

In dentibus anticis frustum magnum spiniciae habes You have a big piece of spinach in your front teeth

Abutebaris modo subjunctivo You've been misusing the subjunctive

Heus, hic nos omnes in agmine sunt! Hey, we're all in line here!

Non, mihi ignosce, credo me insequentem esse No, excuse me, I believe I'm next

Nonne de novo eboraco venis? You're from New York, aren't you?

Bumper Stickers and Vanity Plates

Sona si latine loqueris Honk if you speak Latin
Balaenae nobis conservandae sunt Save the whales
Frena pro feris teneo I brake for animals

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscripti catapultas habebunt When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults

Sic hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated, and much too close

Incitatus Speed demon
Vagans Cruising
Litoralis Beach bum
Mannus Mustang
Fractum Jalopy

Advanced Quotations

The following phrases are for those who can speak Latin while at the same time maintaining a cheesy accent. This is harder than you think. Despite all your best intentions to do a perfect rendition of Clint Eastwood from the film Dirty Harry, celebrity Latin accents invariably transform into something more akin to Manuel from Fawlty Towers.
Quid agis, medice? What's up, Doc?

Dic mihi solum facta, domina Just the facts, ma'am

Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn

Farrago fatigans! Thuffering thuccotash!

Fac ut gaudeam Make my day

Illius me paenitet, dux Sorry about that, chief

Tuis pugis pignore! You bet your bippy!

Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem! The devil made me do it!

Osculare pultem meam! Kiss my grits!

Credidi me felem vidisse! I tought I taw a puddy tat!

Si fallatis officium, quaestor infitias eat se quicquam scire de factis vestris

If you fail, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your activities

Te capiam, cunicule sceleste! I'll get you, you wascally wabbit!

Conlige suspectos semper habitos Round up the usual suspects

Certe, toto, sentio nos in kansate non iam adesse You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore

Me transmitte sursum, caledoni Beam me up, Scotty

Names and Titles

Translations of the names of some famous bands and television shows.

Cimictus The Beatles
Inlecebrae The Temptations
Lapides provolventes The Rolling Stones
Ille quis The Who
Mortui grati The Grateful Dead
Simitatores The Monkees
Pueri litoris The Beach Boys
Illi silices The Flintstones
Insula gilliganis Gilligan's Island
Zona crepusculi The Twilight Zone
Opus: quod fiere non potest Mission: Impossible
Dies felices Happy Days
Navis amoris The Love Boat
Iuvenes inquietesque The Young and the Restless
Pretium iustum est The Price is Right

The Amish School Shooting

2006-10-11T18:37:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a fun past few days all around. I've giving my hard drive a throgough cleaning although perhaps a better metaphor would be destroying its former civilization and rebuilding it from the ground up. This computer only has to hold out a few more months, then I am going to replace it. For a free computer, it's worked wonders though.

Although that sums up the state my computer life has been in for the last two weeks or so, it's not all that important to me today. Instead, I wish to discuss the shooting of the Amish schoolgirls.

While we have to give the Amish credit for asking forgiveness and putting us all to shame by attending the assasin's funeral when I first heard this story my first reaction is that I hope he burns in Hell. (Forgive the language, but attacking a Pacifist group and furthermore targeting children who were not connected to your original grievance is low in my opinion.)

There are two issues that this brings up in my mind and gun control is not one of them. The first is if stressing some generally agreed upon code of ethics would help crime to go down. The second is the difficulty of obtaining mental help when it's so badly needed. From what I hear the assasin never got over being dumped twenty years ago.

While it is true there's a stigma attached to seeking out a mental health professional, I'm willing to bet the perpetrator was aware of the issues and just let them fester. Perhaps we should do more careful screenings in our society for these kinds of problems as typically most people will not seek out help unless they are forced or they realize there's a problem. While I believe the assassin fell into the former category, I cannot say for sure.

Never Had to Knock on Wood Lyrics

2006-10-09T23:09:00.000-04:00

Because I've gotten a lot of searches on this song, I'll post the lyrics here. Technically the song's title is "The Impression that I Get." Since one searcher was looking for information on the song's meaning, I'll give him my take on it. The singer is glad that he has never had times in life when his character has really been put to the test but he knows it's just a matter of time before he's faced with such a situation and he's not sure what the outcome will be.

Have you ever been close to tragedy
Or been close to folks who have
Have you ever felt a pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse? No, well

I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
that's the impression that I get

have you ever had the odds stacked up so high?
You need a strength most don't possess
Or has it ever come down to do or die?
You've got to rise above the rest. No, well...

I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
that's the impression that I get

I'm not a coward,
I've just never been tested
I'd like to think that if I was,
I would pass
Look at the tested and think there but for the grace go
I might be a coward,
I'm afraid of what I might find out.

I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Now go enjoy some good brassy ska punk or swing music.

The 59th Street Bridge Song

2006-10-04T16:53:00.000-04:00

I know many people will write about General Conference but I thank whatever higher power you may or may not believe in that I did not catch this semi-annual Mormon occurrence. (Is that the correct word or is it biannual? I'll have to look that one up again.)

Despite a few setbacks things have been going fairly well for me. I've nearl.y reached one of my long term goals and am actually starting to make more money online than I am at my current job. (On the downside, this means I have a exciting new world of how taxes on enterprises you make over $400 a year get filed. Not looking forward to that discovery at all.)

Yet despite a new and frustrating venture into the undiscovered IRS country, I've actually been in a pretty good mood lately. Moreso than I have been in the past couple of months. It seems though that I really do need to sit down and start planning some things out. It's not that I can't do this, it's just that like many other people I have a tendency to procrastinate. It's not even that I don't have a plan mentally, I just have to put it down on paper.

Perhaps this is the one good thing about my religious background. Goal setting is useful and even journal writing is useful, but not as the Mormons like to present it. I'm glad my early journals were missing. The pathetic attempts to make them sound uplifting would make me sick. That's not what they're for, now I use it as well as other mediums such as this blog to work out my emotions.

Still, it just feels good after trying for so long to finally achieve what you had set out to do in the first place. Of course, I may keep my job simply for socialization purposes.

Computer Troubles

2006-10-01T15:18:00.000-04:00

I've been out of commission computer-wise for the past two days. As it turns out I did not as I had originally feared fry my motherboard, on the other hand, my keyboard had water spilled on it and the one I normally use is now trying out. Fortunately a frequent customer where I work had a spare and was willing to give it to me so I can type away.

It's a shame as apparently I missed some big bill that passed that I find further enforces my opinion that the Bush administration cares not for the higher principles of the Republican party or even basic human rights, but I generally do not discuss politics here and will for the most part refrain from doing so today. I'll have new posts again for you soon.

The Interview

2006-09-27T12:39:00.003-04:00

I finally came across the infamous interview with two Mormon apostles where the Church clarifies its position on homosexuality. I know I'm a bit behind here as many people have already expressed their opinions on what Elders Oaks and Wickam had to say, but I must admit I'm not seeing why there was a great deal of anger over it.

There were some things I personally found offensive, but I think many people are forgetting the framework in which this is occurring. Whether we like to admit it or not this is actually a huge leap forward for the church when it comes to dealing with one minority group they've not had good relations with. (You can read horror stories about electroshock therapy at BYU by doing a simple Google search on it.)

Basically the whole point of the interview, or at least the important bits is that sexual orientation cannot be changed and that people are born with it. Coming from an organization that still has many people treating sexual orientation and gender identity they consider to be abnormal as an illness.

It seems that a lot of us would like an organization to come wholly into line with our viewpoint, even if we've left it simply because we disagree with its doctrines, history, or lying about its history or any combination of the above. I know this is human, but the truth is it isn't going to happen. The Church is above all else, interested in maintaining the organization with as many members as it can. Whether this is due to money or because the leadership actually believes in it is a matter of individual opinion, although both may be factors. I don't know the personal motives of the Brethren. Right now it seems they're in a difficult spot with true information freely available that can't just be discarded as Anti-Mormon lies and it seems to me they have yet to figure out how to do damage control from maintaining a black and white stance for so long.

Don't worry folks, it may be 30 years down the road from now, but the Mormon church will eventually become more like other Liberal Mainstream Protestant churches in its outlook, although I hope the organization maintains its bizarre theology that makes it unique in American religion.

2006-09-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

This week will mark the one year anniversary of this blog. I mention it just becauswe it amazes me I've kept this up for a year. I'm also surprised at the way things have evolved. However, I am not going to spend too much time dwelling on it.

I've been a little depressed lately, I'm not sure why. I know I haven't quite feel like writing anything down here and don't necessarily feel up to it today. Whether this is becauze the Zoloft has stopped working or I'm just in a natural down due to the greyer fall weather is anybody's guess.

Not to mention I think the therapist mentioned earlier may be right about post traumatic stress disorder. I've looked up the symptoms but I just wish I could find more information on possible emotional causes of the disease or any diseases that mimic the disorder.

My feelings regarding the issue are complex. We typically associate the disorder with combat veterans and people who have been through disasters. I just have this vision of being in a support group filled with combat veterans, survivors of hurricanes or other disasters, and maybe one or two of the rescue workers who were at the World Trade Center and being laughed out of the meeting.

Perhaps that's a little harsh. If you know some of the things I went through including having to deal with crazy relatives, it would not be unlikely for psychological disorders to develop. Still, I don't know. Maybe it's one of those things I'd have difficulty accepting.

This Counselor is Starting to Worry Me

2006-09-20T15:19:00.000-04:00

I've been in counseling for several years for anxiety and depression issues. A lot of this is related to my early life and I don't want to get into detail here. However, somethings about the current therapist are making me a little nervous.

First off, I get the impression she's a Southern Baptist. While this does not condemn her as a person, she knows of my Mormon background and I think her sect's perception of it is affecting her professionalism. I know a lot of us in Outer Blogness refer to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as a cult, but you'd be hard pressed to find an example of me referring to the organization as it exists today as such. The church is just weird.

She's brought up Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in a few of the last sessions. I've looked up the symptoms online and can see why she thinks this, but I do not think there were any events in my past that could have led to me developing PTSD. Either she's totally wrong, or I'm missing something that she is seeing. The earlier therapist brought it up once or twice as well.

While craziness may be the normal impression most of us get from Southern Baptists, even if they are living outside of the South, it is not good to find such disturbing traits in a mental health professional. Although the saying of people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones may apply here, it just makes me wonder if I'm really getting what I should be getting out of the experience or if she's applying her own prejudices in my case. Which brings up another question, is projection a real problem with psychotherapy?

I've tried to bring up the issue of her calling the Mormons a cult, but she said only, “How do you know that isn't what they want you to believe?” Now, while I'm not a big fan of the Mormon church in general, I've done my own research and come to my own conclusions. I may or may not be using my own personal biases as I still want to take something of value out of my experiences as Mormon, just as she's using her own perceptions to paint the brush of cultism on a religious denomination she doesn't personally agree with.

I don't know if her religious convictions come into play here or not. I know at times it's hard to separate what we have to do professionally from what we believe personally. (For example, I believe a lot of customers really need a good, swift kick in the rear, but I'd get fired for acting out on that belief.) It seems to me she is not separating them the way she should.

Ahoy, me hearties!

2006-09-19T09:29:00.000-04:00

Today be September 19th and that day be one of my favorite hoidays. That's right ye landlubbers, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day.

There is no Title Today

2006-09-15T16:49:00.000-04:00

Much to my surprise I was included in the Carnival of the Veil this week. This is because although I did in fact intend to participate, I had suffered from a strange case of writer's block and could not think of anything to write for it. I'm not mad that what I wrote got included, I just finished it late and did not submit it. Oh well. It could have been better, too.

It seems I've not really been able to set the proper mood for writing which Ray Bradbury describes in his book Zen in the Art of Writing. I don't know how many people have read this book, or even are Ray Bradbuy fans. After reading some of his later stories, I can only conclude that his writing has gotten worse as he's gotten older.

I suppose I'm only bringing up writing because it seems a lot of the people in Outer Blogness are taking a break to write about their experiences with the Mormon church. Now, I don't really want to sit down and write a book about it, because it would out of necessity deal with somethings involving my family and I simply don't think some stories would be believed. (Some things you just have to live through.)

I suppose that's because a lot of us who do blog do it because one of our hobbies is writing. We may or may not have made it professionaly.. I know I certainly haven't. It's been a while since I've tried as well. I guess a bout of depression a few years back caused me to lose my interest in it. Even if I never make it, I'll still have a hobby that I enjoy. (At least that's one way of looking at it.)

As much as I'd love to be a feature columnist, I just don't see it happening in my life, unless by some miracle someone looks at this blog and says “By golly, let's get her to write for our paper.” For various reasons, I don't see that happening, not the least of which is that no one uses the phrase “By golly” in real life.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just continue blogging.

Self-Loathing

2006-09-13T20:28:00.000-04:00

I've been struggling with self-hatred for the longest time. I remember sitting down in groups where people would ask me what I thought was good about myself and dreading it. I would not give answers when asked, although this may have been out of modesty, or would it be because I didn't have a very good self-image?

If you know me, you know there are reasons I would feel this way and if you don't, you can go back through the archives where I give a good number of them. Being given the impression every day that your worthless regardless of the source and in my case there were a number of them does not help one build positive self-esteem.

I don't really know how to work on this. I don't believe telling myself things that are not true is a good way to work on it, nor do I believe human beings are an accurate judge of their own personal strengths and weaknesses. Yet the process for overcoming this seems to be sending messages to yourself. I don't know, it doesn't seem to me that a deluded self-image is a good way to build up how you personally feel about yourself.

Perhaps I should pay more attention to the positive things others have said about me as few and far between as those are. Chances are there might be something there. Maybe not. Still, it would be nice not to have to deal with self-hatred.

Project Lazarus

2006-09-12T12:21:00.000-04:00

Well, at least Blogger Beta has sprung no new moronic surprises on me lately, although they still have to fix some of the ones they have created. (Note: If you can't comment on my blog because you're not using Blogger Beta, I do allow anonymous comments. Unfortunately, I can't comment on some of the blogs I read regularly right now because of this little quirk. Geeze, let's try fixing this Google? Not to mention getting your beta to place nice with offline blog authoring tools instead of putting the burden on the developers. You're the twits who switched the software.)

Speaking of software, if you've followed one of my trends for a while, you know I use a good deal of open source software. Apart from writing, programming is one of my other hobbies. A while ago I'd found a good Pascal compiler that was compatible with Delphi – the problem was it didn't have the GUI interface that Delphi and Visual Basic use which actually does cut down on quite a bit of coding. (Delphi writes the code for you, it seems to be internally generated in Visual Basic.)

So strangely enough I happen upon a project called Lazarus. Lazarus is a GNU/open source attempt to build a Delphi-like environment. I haven't really played around with it too much yet, but it seems to work. I even dug out a bug I have on Delphi to see if it would be useful. I'll keep you updated as I play around with it.

If you ask me why I don't find such a product for Visual Basic, I'll just give you an evil look. Oh, and don't you think bus drivers are horrendously underpaid, especially the kind that drive those big yellow ones?

I've Never Had to Knock on Wood...

2006-09-11T00:26:00.000-04:00

A song by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones starts out with this line: "Have you ever been close to tragedy or been close to folks who have?" For a while, I could identify with this song, but one day five years ago, it seemed that it lost some of its impact. When I heard what had happened to the Twin towers and saw America's reaction I realized we had all been close to tragedy then regardless of how far we were from the Pentagon, New York City, or the Pennsylvania field where the one plane went down.

I suppose there will be memorial posts all over blogs today, after all, it was one of the most significant events in recent American history and it literally rocked the world. We are still dealing with the aftereffects today, including a war currently on two fronts.

It is hard not to feel a little sadness when we reflect on such things, even though we may not have personally suffered any loss as a direct result of an attack by people committing violence in the name of their religion. We are lucky in the West to see this occur on a very limited basis and most events -- such as the Mountain Meadows Massacre (which also occurred on a September 11th) are in a distant past.

While I do not think we will ever live in a world free of violence, perhaps we can stop killing each other because our God or gods tell us to someday. Maybe I just should have gotten permission from the Onion to reprint their classic story of "God Clarifies 'Thou Shalt Not Kill' Rule" which they ran shortly after September 11, 2001.

What do people mean when they say personal growth?

2006-09-09T14:34:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about what Personal growth means lately. Truthfully, although I've been told I've been pursuing this I'm not quite clear on what it means exactly. It seems that every person who I ask has a different definition. In my more cynical moments, I think that personal growth simply means becoming more like the person using the phrase.

So, it wouldn't be the first time a human has embarked down a road without a clear idea of where the road might lead or where the journey might take him or her along the way, but it seems to me that I should have a clearer idea of what I'm trying to achieve.

I think it should be more than just some New Age almost Wiccan answer that "it can mean whatever you want it to mean." Perhaps there are areas that I may need to work on for this elusive personal growth thing -- whatever that may mean -- that others may not, but it does seem that there should be some sort of goal overall with the various roadsigns along the way dependant on the path we are taking.

I don't know. Maybe there's a reason why it remains vague. It seems that the self-help authoring industry is a growing field. Perhaps they've decided to keep it vague because they themselves can't decide what personal growth must mean and make more money by arguing amongst themselves about it. Sometimes we can let organizations define it for us, but that ultimately means become more like the members of the organization.

I have yet to come to any real conclusion about this. I've asked several people and they all came up with different answers.

My Ill Will Towards Google is Increasing....

2006-09-06T13:39:00.000-04:00

Quit screwing around with Blogger Beta. I've found a number of posts I've liked to comment on but can't simply because someone decided it was a good idea to seperate Google accounts from Blogger accounts. Letting people sign in with their Google accounts may in theory have been a neat idea, but it was a bad one in practice since you could no longer sign in with your old account. Well, all those offline blogging tools are now useless and the fixes I've found don't work. Thank you for that.

This new decision to seperate them is even more moronic. Why shouldn't someone who hasn't upgraded be able to comment on my blog if they so desire to do so. They can't. Only those who've switched to Blogger beta can and although Blogger still recognizes my original account, I get redirected every single freaking time asking me to log in with the new account whether I have or not.

It's time to abandon Blogger Beta as simply a bad idea, Google. It doesn't work and you're just causing people frustrations over things that used to work. Sure they may not have worked perfectly, but they did at least work. I'm getting sick of some moronic surprise being sprung on me every few days.

An Odd Question

2006-09-05T09:05:00.000-04:00

Since many of us Ex-Mormon and otherwise are amatuer Mormon theologians, I put forth the following question: Do I still hold the preisthood?

Yes, those of us who have done the research know the church is a fraud and it's unlikely that I have any real authority from God, but follow my logic on this. Leaving the church according to the exit letter we receive cancels the Blessings of Baptism. This is, according to my understanding, contrary to Christian doctrine. However, the Priesthood ordinations aren't a result of the blessings of Baptism, and if I remember the Aaronic Priesthood lessons correctly cannot be revoked from a person once given.

So, the question is, even though we're apostates, can we still perform Priesthood ordinances? I ask this simply because according to one little book I took home with me from my brief time in the Navy, Priests can participate in exorcisms. (I still wish I had this little red booklet. It came with the 'service set' of scriptures.)

If so, are there any fellow apostates who want to get together and perform, I don't know, an exorcism on Boyd K. Packer? I can think of a few other worthy Mormon apostles who seem to be possessed. Maybe we can even get the spirit of the former public relations/advertising professional who seems to inhabit the body of the current prophet.

Talking to Myself

2006-09-01T16:16:00.000-04:00

“You don't have to keep me hidden forever you know.”

“Who are you?”

“I am part of you.”

“Why have you chosen to reveal yourself now?”

“I've been here all along. You've tried to ignore me.”

“What are you, my conscience?”

“No, although I can fill that role. I am the part of you that you've known was there all along, but life caused you to build a very different persona than the person we'd both like to have become.”

“What's wrong with me?”

“If you liked who you were two years ago you wouldn't have started down this road.”

“What road?”

“Why are you asking questions which you already know the answers to? The road of personal growth. The road of self-discovery.”

“But I already know who I am.”

“I do not deny you know you're given name and you've made great strides in discovering who you are, but you will not go as far as you need to until you accept all that that entails.”

“I can't do that yet.”

“I'll be here whether or not you are ready. In the end you'll have no choice but to face me one way or the other.”

Gordy's Life

2006-08-30T10:01:00.000-04:00

Time for some laughter, lightmindedness, and some speaking ill of the Lord's Annointed. Sung to the tune of Kurt Weill's "Mac the Knife":

Oh when the prophet speaks to us dear
You know the thinking has been done
When Gordy lies on tv dear
Some mormon doctrine is now gone

When the prophet lies to Larry
Mormon faces all turn red
Did he say we don't belive that?
Perhaps we should choose Boyd instead

In the chapel Sunday morning
lies a prophet snoozing life
Boyd's gay bashing 'round the corner
Could this be Gordy's life?

Some apostates protest the mall purchase don't you know
Picket signs on our new lawn
God will get them in the end dear
It's too bad old Brigham's gone

Blood atonement? We never taught that
Joe's Polygamy? Now don't be rash
I spend money like a sailor
Pay your tithing for my temple stash.

Thomas Monson, Boyd K. Packer,
Paul H. Dunn, Orson Pratt
Oh God's way is through Joseph
Now that Gordy's back in town.

I Found a Path? Maybe.

2006-08-29T11:37:00.000-04:00

Like many people who blog, I will occasionally get an idea for a post from a message board I visit. Rarely however do I post the message in question and today's post will be no exception. In this case, it's not what the thread was about that was important, but me looking into why I was doing what I was doing.

I have not been able to discuss anything regarding religion with passion for a while. Anything I said was merely a dispassionate exchange of ideas from an intellectual standpoint.

Yet recently when I found someone stating something about Taoism I disagreed with (and their statement was a misinterpretation of the philosophy) I found myself vehemently defending it.

Now, I've read the Tao Te Ching many times in various formats, mostly online. It doesn't take a long time to read it, but I didn't think I'd developed any deep connection to it. Perhaps I should have known better since when I first read the book I knew I'd found something I'd been looking for ever since I saw Star Wars for the first time as a kid. I always thought there should be something like the Force. What I wouldn't know until years later was that the Force and a lot of the Jedi stuff were based on real world philosophies. (I suppose that's why we have people trying to claim they're Jedi now. They simply don't want to look up the elements George Lucas used in making the movies.)

But I didn't realize I was passionate about it until I started arguing. Now, the argument details aren't that important. Basically, it was the typical type of argument that goes on on Internet message boards. I got accused of doing things I wasn't doing and then engaged in some armchair psychology of why my opponent felt the way he did. This is in fact a little hypocritical of me as I do in fact hate people who engage in armchair psychology on the Internet, at least where it relates to others.

Does this mean I've found the Way? I don't think so, but it does mean even though I hadn't realized I had incorporated a philosophy into my belief system and realize I should in fact study it deeper. I guess a few trips to the library and Amazon.com are in order.

Arrogant Assumptions that Irritate Me Part II

2006-08-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

“If my mind is modest and I walk the great Way, arrogance is all I fear.” --Lao Tzu.

Why is it when people leave Mormonism, they still have the need to cling to some sort of absolute truth? If you read the Recovery from Mormonism boards, in addition to the bitterness, you'll find that many people there have become Atheists as well.

I always feel for someone who does express a religious opinion on RfM, however sincere they might be about it, because at least five posters will jump down his throat informing the poster of the error of his ways. I even had someone comment on my blog that he thought it was sad I had become Catholic and had exchanged one mythology for another. I'm not exactly sure where he got the idea I'd become Catholic, although I have quoted Pope John Paul II once or twice and may have mentioned I like the mysticism. Still, liking what one pope said and liking the mysticism does not a convert to Catholicism make. I did in fact attend RCIA classes out of curiosity for a while, but in the end decided it wasn't for me.

I don't mind that the people have become Atheists. What I find irritating is they assume that a simple application of logic should lead everyone else to the same conclusion they have come to. It seems what they do not realize is that if they're militant about it, is that they have merely substituted one absolute truth for another. Even this wouldn't bother me if they'd simply be quiet about it. Atheism is not superior to any other belief system when it comes to having great, universal truths. In this, they are just as guilty as the Christian Fundamentalists who quote the Bible who expect that reading their material will lead you to their religion.

To assume that we have found some new absolute truth is just as arrogant as our stance as former Mormons, and perhaps something from that time is carrying over with them, perhaps not. In the end, each individual must decide what his or her own motivations are. After leaving a religion people need time to sort things out for themselves. Shoving even your non-religious viewpoint down their throat isn't the way to go.

One of the things I've learned in my journey away from Mormonism is that it's okay if I don't know something and that there doesn't need to be certainty when it comes to beliefs. I had all the answers, and I found out they were false. Why are so many people who leave the church so eager to fill the void with different ones, which may or may not be true? When it comes to religious belief or lack thereof, it's all subjective. I don't ever expect to wholly know if I'm right, and if there is no afterlife, I certainly will never know. Religion and Philosophies can be helpful tools to guide us, but we often spend our time arguing about which one is better rather than realizing what things exist in these two areas that help us get through our daily lives. It's that more than any dogma that's important.

Now, this is not to say I don't have beliefs myself, and in the next post, I'll share a story about something that surprised me, but I try not to assume my religious beliefs are superior to anyone else's, unless it's a Muslim's viewpoint. (Okay, so I'm kidding on that last point.)

The Assumption that I Need to Reevaluate my Politics

2006-08-27T17:43:00.001-04:00

I'm a card carrying member of the Republican Party. For some reason, I get the impression that many in Outer Blogness seem to think there's something wrong with that. Why? What they object to is unfortunately who seems to have control of the Republican Party at the moment -- the Religious Right.

Republicans ideally should stand for lesser government intervention and as a consequence greater personal freedom, but perhaps I just think that because of my own libertarian leanings, and despite what many people seem to think, it's actually to my finacial advantage as someone who is working poor to support them. The Democrats have not initiated helpful policies in that regard for a long time. Currently, all they seem to be doing is encouraging people to stay in lower brackets to take advantage of programs. Now, for Union members, it's definitely to their financial advantage to support the Democratic party.

It would have been better for such people to say that people should reevaluate their support of the current Bush administration, which is what I think they meant anyway. I've never been a huge fan of the Patriot Act and the Wiretapping thing has me really ticked off. Let's face it, in 2000 Al Gore was an idiot, and Bush wasn't that bright, but in my opinion, George Bush was the better of the two. In 2004 the options were just as bleak, but I'd have to say Kerry probably was smarter. Yet, in the second term it became abundantly clear that Bush had no respect for things like right to privacy or even bothering with the actual law. He could have obtained warrants for the wiretaps, but chose not to for some inexplicable reason. Not to mention, we've gotten bogged down in Iraq, which would not have happened if we'd bring full military power to bear on the region. However, the reasons for the Iraq war were never exactly clear and I always thought it was more of a personal vendetta than any clear ties Iraq had to Al Qaeda.

Not only that, some of the positions of the Bush administration seem to be compounded by George Bush's unwillingness to rectify his own ignorance. Stem cells are a prime example of this. We can obtain them from cloning technology, and his objection seems to come from that these cells are obtained from abortions, but they don't have to be, since I believe we already have a fair number of frozen stem cells in storage. Now, I don't believe it's going to be a magical cure all or that we're even close to seeing results from this, but a complete ban on government funding for it does not make sense since we will eventually see benefits.

The current direction of the Republican Party scares me and I think it's time more reasonable voices took control of it back from its more reactionary fringe.

Unleashing my Inner Grammar Nazi

2006-08-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

Please note, as far as copyright goes: What I said is copyrighted by me, the rest is copyrighted by the owner of Joseph's Left One. Not that I expect this to be an issue, because if I ever did catch someone stealing content from my blog, I'd be angry, flattered, and bewildered at the same time.

No, I just didn't edit the e-mail I sent him and I should have. Because this bothers me, here is what I said with the corrections that should have been made before I sent it.

This week's profile is the always-thoughtful and interesting Lair of the Sinister Porpoise.

JLO: How and why did you start blogging?

You know, Blogger Beta has caused me more problems than it should have of late. I assume it even lists my Google e-mail address instead of the one I link to on the site, which is my Yahooo e-mail address. Starting to blog was fairly easy -- I just set up a Blogger account, but why is a different issue. The Lair of the Sinister Porpoise started out as a way for me to work some things out I'd been going through, not the least of which was my struggle with gender identity which I'd just allow to come to the surface. As I saw it as something as a spiritual issue, religious posts began to develop. It didn't matter to me if I worked away in anonymity and no one discovered it. In many ways, it served the same purpose a personal journal should serve.

JLO: What do you enjoy about blogging? Dislike about it?

Well, personally, I love it when someone praises my writing, which has happened three times over the course of my blogging career. My sister found out about it (I did not tell her, but I forgot to clear the history after using her computer) and made a comment about the secrets I'd been keeping from her. Strangely, the one about not knowing I could write so well annoyed me more, as it's an ability I've never hidden. Whether or not I can write well is a decision I'd rather leave up to the readers. It was Gunner the second time, and the third was an unexpected comment on one of my unrelated blogs and a follow up e-mail that I should enter a blogging contest they would have and would be likely to win. Still, while it satisfies my ego, it's only a minor point. I like to write, blogging satisfies that need and I've found I do best with short, thoughtful posts.

I must admit I also love some of the spam comments. Some invoke my rage if it's some Fundamentalist trying to sell some Anti-Mormon product that makes the assumption that our religious quests should bring us to his religion. The one or two ads for penis enlargement i left up and had great fun mocking, but I think I've got that sort of thing under control know as you can post comments anonymously to Blogger with word verification on.

What do I dislike about it? This question would invoke less emotion from me if I did not have problems with offline blog posting tools because I've switched over to Blogger beta. Google's response on this is I have to wait for them to catch up. Is it that hard for them just to let me use my original Blogger account rather than my e-mail account?

JLO: What do you read regularly?

Mostly fantasy and science fiction, although I've started borrowing the detective novels the local library has. In non-fiction, my tastes run towards science, religion, history, and computers. I'm a huge fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series and Frank Hebert's Dune.

But if you tell me a good story, you'll draw me in even if I disagree with your work entirely.

JLO: What do you like to do when you're not blogging?

Well, there are things I'd like to do, but unfortunately my job cuts into social time simply by its scheduling. I've played D&D for many years and have a collection of obscure RPGs that I don't think anyone ever intends to run. Mostly, I spend a lot of time on the computer, and when I'm not there, I'm either reading, napping, or out for a walk. I'd love to take up fencing someday and even found a place locally that teaches it, but need to get some transportation issues settled first.

JLO: Where would you say you are in the process of recovery from Mormonism?

Well, you can pretty much get a good idea of the stages I've been through through by going through the archives since I've started the blog. At first, I too, felt betrayed and angry at the church. I did trust it, but I never seemed to go into the great deal of anger so many Ex-Mormons have. Perhaps because I'd seen how poisonous pent up anger can be from other issues and though moving on would be more prudent. I looked around at other religions and tried to hurry into one. Then I slowed down and realized I didn't need to. I'd say I'm at the point of letting go of years of sexual repression and figuring out exactly what I am on that front. This isn't quite the same as the gender issues, I've known about those for years, but simply didn't want to even admit the possibility to myself.

JLO: What advice would have you for people trying to deal with leaving the church?

It was easier for me. I come from Pennsylvania Dutch stock rather than the pioneers who went across the plains. I can't imagine what multi-generationl BIC Mormons go through. I'm a child of convert parents outside of the Morg Corridor. It also seems that because of the Mormon emphasis on geneology, I know heresy was something of a family tradition, and a few of people who were likely my ancestors were killed in Zurich, Switzerland and had their names recorded in The Martyr's Mirror.

But even for BICs like me where it's not a part of your heritage (Hex Signs, scrapple, and pot pie would have far more bearing on my heritage than jello and funeral potatoes), I think we tend to think it's not an ongoing process. We don't really recover. It's always going to be a part of us. We just need to break out of Mormonthink where the Mormon indoctrination was harmful. I've fooled myself into thinking I was done several times, then some new issue will crop up. I don't even think it's a good idea to try to deny what our past has made us into. For me, I find bits of Mormon history and theology too bizarrely fascinating to just leave alone. I'd probably feel the same way about Scientolgy, and like some of my non-Mormon acqauintances don't believe my stories about Mormonism, I doubt I'd believe the stories of a former Scientologist.

JLO: What else do you want to say about your interests, hobbies, career, education, whatever?

Well, because of my searches away from Mormonism I maintain an interest in theology and belief. My carreer attempts are currently along the lines of becoming self-employed because I simply don't like bosses. My education is at the "some college" level and I was a computer science major, which strangely enough lends itself well to the if-then thinking required by most theologians.

JLO: Where did you come up with the name of your blog?

You'd think there'd be some interesting story behind the screen name in the first place, but there isn't. The Sinister Porpoise comes from my misuse of a Latin phrase i intended to mean left-handed person. When someone told me he saw that all he could think of was "The Sinister Porpoise." I happened to like that alias better and have used it as my aliases on many places ever since. Today it serves as a reminder not to take life so seriously. "Lair of" was I suppose just a way of attracting a little more attention to a limited interest blog, which ultimately, I expected no one to read. I can't say I'm displeased with the turn of events a year later when I suddenly found myself being included in Outer Blogness and the Disaffected Mormon Underground.

And the Porpoise is laughing....

2006-08-25T10:20:00.000-04:00

The last post was the 150th on this blog. I knew this was coming up, I just didn't know when I'd hit it exactly. Some strange things have been happening to me in blog land, not the least of which is finding some odd sites shwoing up on the traffic trackers I use.

Now, it seems Blogshares uses a spider and would track down my blog eventually, but oddly I've been listed since last October. When I found this out I went to claim my blog not because I care all that much about Blogshares, but simply because I don't want someone claiming my blog as theirs. Maybe I'm a little possessive that way.

I've also become aware of my Technorati and Alexa rankings. Truthfully, I've tried to avoid knowing this information. I didn't watnt to get caught up in the types of contests these rankings seem to engender. I shouldn't really care that I'm ranked about 6 millionth in Alexa, or about 108 millionth in Technorati. Although the Alexa rankings seem to be choosing odd sites that people visit when they come here, I can kind of see the thought process behind linking to blogs that use and/or support Opensource software, since I use a good number of such programs myself.

So far the weirdest thing I've seen was that you can review blogs on Amazon.com! I really couldn't help doing a vanity search on Amazon for my blog on this one, but it seems I'm not listed. The upside of this is it means there are no bad reviews of my blog on Amazon. It also means there are no good ones, either.

Found!

2006-08-24T14:01:00.000-04:00

A search for my EQ character's name took a vistor to this blog. Now, believe it or not, I do have my fair share of 'enemies' from my EQ days, mostly because I was bitter and angry and let a number of things that had nothing to do with the game come across in my personality.

This had little to do with the Mormons either, it was just I hadn't gotten over what had happened to me when I was younger. Of course, there wasn't really any valid target for me to take these things out on. Still, I'd forgotten I *had* mentioned my EQ account once, and it would show up on this blog. Even so, my EZboard account is the same one I used when I ended EQ. So, a Google search for the name would lead them here, just as easily as googling "The Sinister Porpoise."

Of course, it may not be one of the people who hated me and I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Still, I'd rather not have many people from that time coming here. It's a phase of my life, despite my bitterness, I enjoyed, but I put far too much effort into EQ and let too many real life things slip.

Given that the character's surname was included, which simply means "the silent," I can only assume the searcher was someone who knew me during my final days as an EQ player, or someone who knows me from EZboards, where the surname is included in my sig. If it was someone looking for the Roman nymph, that name is "Lara Tacita."

Well, even so, I knew I couldn't hide this blog forever, I just didn't think anyone would do a search on my EQ name. Hopefully, that person will not act on this knowledge. According to the site statistics, the search came from somewhere in Oklahoma.

Time, Time, Time. See what's become of me...

2006-08-22T11:01:00.000-04:00

I love the cool August nights. The hint of Autumn is in the air, and the humidity is generally lower than it is during the rest of the summer. You can see the Milky Way on a lot of these nights, too. There's also an inevitable tinge of sadness that comes with August. For August means the end of Summer is near and that Fall is on its way.

Fall is certainly the most colorful of seasons in a temperate zone, but it's a season I always associate with dying in some small way. The leaves fall off the trees, and for the next six months the forests will be bare. That doesn't mean they won't still be pretty and there is in fact nothing like the first snowfall that covers a forest, but that doesn't mean I'd not rather see the green leaves. More importantly, it also means cold weather.

I suppose living in the MidAtlantic states, I should be used to the relatively mild Winters that we experience, but just because I'm used to them, that doesn't mean I like them or approve of them.

I suppose it's also a time of year when I realize that whether I want to or not, I am getting older. Perhaps this is because my 30th birthday comes up in February, and it's a milestone that while not meaning I'm old, does mean I'm getting closer to Middle Age. It may be natural for it to bother me, but I wish it didn't. It may be one of the reasons my thoughts have been focused on time lately. Now, of course February is still several months away and I always dislike it because it seems my birthday gets overshadowed by Valentine's Day. (You can guess which holiday is more important to me.)

The benefit of time passing means I'm also getting farther away from the Hell that was my early life. I realize the experiences made me who I am, but that is not always a good thing. I also realize as a part of these thoughts that religious indoctrination robbed me of something precious – that is, time itself. As much as I want the Mormon church to be part of my background, it has intruded itself so deeply that I doubt I'll ever be able to untangle it completely from my psyche. And you know what? While I'm not the type to go screaming from the rooftops, I've finally realized the anger I've felt is justifiable. It doesn't matter whether or not the individuals were well-meaning, it doesn't mean they still didn't cause me some psychological harm.

I've wanted to deny that the Mormon church did some damage, mostly because compared to the rest of my life, the experience was positive, but now I can no longer pretend it didn't happen. I can either let it make me bitter or move on. I just wish Mormonism wouldn't play with its members heads so much.

Overall, I really don't like being in these moods. It makes me feel like something of a drama queen. I suppose I should pay more attention on the ring that was handed to Solomon that said, “this too shall pass.”

As a final note, I happen to love the term “Morridor” when referring to certain areas of Utah and Idaho. It just makes me think there should be something like this:

Three for the Trinity above the sky
Nine for the witches doomed to die
Seven for the Catholics in their cathedrals of stone
One of the prophet on his plush throne
In the land of Morridor where the shadows lie

One church to rule them, one church to find them
One church to bring them all and in the gospel's darkness bind them
In the Land of Morridor where the shadows lie.

I wonder if a Mormon jewelry company would inscribe that on a CTR ring for me.

Mondays that don't start at 2 a.m. rock

2006-08-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

I've figured out the problem with Qumana, and unfortunately there's very little I can do about it. My Google account is not the same as the name I signed up for Blogger under. I hope Qunama and Blogger can get this worked out, otherwise I might have to break down and pirate -- oops, I mean buy -- a copy of Word to use.

I've finally got a Monday off. It is in fact the first Monday I've had off since March, and for that matter, the first Monday I haven't had to be up at 2 a.m. since mid-May. Now, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with my Monday, perhaps a trip to the library is in order as I've finished the stack of four books I've recently borrowed. (or was it 5?) Well, I could borrow DVD's too, but with the usual luck in my life, after finding a nice, new and actually good DVD player at Dollar General, the tube on my TV set blew.

Although I don't intend to make a habit of replying to other people on my blog, there was a comment made on Letters from a Broad recently that probably does deserve a full blown blog entry here, rather than take up comment space when she was showcasing another author. (And of course, the other irony, is I may in fact need to pick up a book on Java/Javascript in the near future as my HTML textbook from college which had a large section on Javascript is now missing..)

Now that I've made it clear I'm not addressing C.L. Hansen, but rather a stage I've personally been at in my journey out of the church. As we all know, the church makes its best attempt to sexually repress its members. I've said before it's left me terrified of aspects of myself. Perhaps it would be best if I said what the comment was, and it's one I made a while ago on this blog and now regret. I did in fact say that I was transgendered and not gay. That statement was made a while ago when I started to break down the walls of years of church, then self-imposed sexual repression.

That's been changing over the last few months. In fact, I'm stating to think that celibacy may in fact be causing me to miss out on something. I'm still socially inept, so I'm not sure how to proceed, but I think hurrying is a bad idea as it's only something that has recently awakened within me.

If I may get back to the comment, at the time I wrote that I felt the need to deny being gay. I still internally felt it was wrong for me to be that way. Now as I've come to embrace and accept even more of who I am, I realize it's a possibility. I even managed to bring up some of the issues with my new therapist, although I am not and probably never will be comfortable about talking orally (no pun intended) about anything involving sex. Fortunately, you can't see the pauses I make me in my writing as I do a blog entry like this one.

Not Happy with Blogger Beta

2006-08-20T18:16:00.000-04:00

Well since it's a Sunday and there won't be many readers here anyway, I thought I may as well express my frustration with the new Blogger beta. It's managed to make useless the program I downloaded for doing blog entries offline. I hope I can figure out what the problem is before I go postal.

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Arizona Expositor

2006-08-19T21:17:00.000-04:00

I received an e-mail from you a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I thought it was an e-mail notifying me of a comment on my blog, which it was not. I would have responded, but I intended to do it on my blog and unfortunately deleted it before I got the chance to. I suppose this really isn't a loss as it was mostly just a comment saying you agree with me that we're just preaching to the choir.

Although it would be better had I responded privately, I'll take the time now. Yes, we are preaching to the choir, but I'd like to think that what we're doing is in some way useful, and that it's more than just mental masturbation on our parts.

I hope this blog will be useful to those who, like me, were in some way injured by religion in getting them to think a little before abandonning it altogether. I'm not sure how successful I am, and it doesn't bother me if I'm not. I blog for other reasons as well, not the least of which is the joy of writing, and of course, getting paid a small amount for doing so. (Took me a while to figure this one out, but it's working now.)

The most useful thing we do is tell others who may be doubting the church that they are not alone. Others have discovered the same things they have and even though there's a lot of information about the church that isn't true on the Internet, there's a lot that is that isn't faith promoting. Ultimately, although we can help, the destination each person takes is up to them. It's their spiritual and personal journey after all.

I Will Choose the Path That's Clear. I will Choose Free Will

2006-08-17T22:09:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading a book that used Peanuts cartoons to illustrate Bible points. I'm not going to compare the too, for the most part I found the strips chosen to illustrate Robert Shorts' points to be completely unrelated to the topic he was trying to discuss.

But his idea of Free Agency as the Mormon church used to call it is rather curious. He believed we only have free agency to choose our salvation or not. Perhaps I didn't quite understand his point, although it may itself have been somewhat confused. It seemed to me he was saying if we choose to be Christian we obey God and do his will, but if we choose to sin, we do so on our own.

I'm a Deist and not a Christian, but it seems to me that God gave us free will whether we wanted it or not. We get to choose the actions we take through the course of our life. I don't believe God has anything to do with it whether were doing His will or not. While He may serve as a guide, we are, as William Ernest Henley put it, the master of our fates and the captains of our souls.

I think this has to do with the reason the creator -- if he exists -- gave us brains. He expected us to use them. I suppose this is just one of the many problems I have with the blind obedience expected in most religions. He gave us this wonderful intelligence, which we are led to believe is a glorious gift, and those in power do their best to get people not to use it. I don't see the logic behind this. Why tell people that God gave them the power to think for themselves, but if they do, they'll be damned to some insufferable Hell for not doing as the leadership tells them? (Or in the case of my former religion, not achieving the Celestial Kingdom.)

Is it so wrong to tell people, like the hero of The Life of Brian tries so successfully to do, that they need to work it out for themselves? If religions really were a one-size fits all proposition, there wouldn't be a multiplicity of religions still extant on the planet. Even in the one true religions like Mormonism and Islam there are variations.

The best I can say for Shorts' argument is that he does not believe in a literal Hell, and see it rather as separation from God. (I see Hell as a mental state personality which may or may not have anything to do with the divine.) Still, although I disagreed with him, it was an interesting read. It has also given me something to think about and may give me ideas for two further blog posts.

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Will the person who signed this site up for Traffic Standards please come forward?

2006-08-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not mad about it, but as I'm not a member, I'm curious as to why you'd submit my site and not one of your own. (The site meter alerted me to this oddity.)

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Offensive Mormon behavior

2006-08-15T13:01:00.000-04:00

About a month ago, I heard a story about my nephew and niece running into a member of my former ward. Now this member and my father were friends, but his children personally do not like him. This is the same member who showed up at a memorial held for my mother to get people's addresses. (Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "We sincerely wish you'd learn to mind your own business" greeting card. Perhaps I'll start a line of cards someday to say what you really feel. I expect the "F You" and "Go to Hell" cards to be best sellers.) In fact, when he was prying my brother's wife for information I asked him if I should stop the offensive Mormon, but my brother said only, "She has to learn sometime."

Although neither my nephew or niece has set foot inside a Mormon church, he has reminded them that they should go to primary and he told his mother that my nephew is nearly old enough to hold the Priesthood. Now, my sister could cause this behavior to cease by having her name removed from the records, but she figures if there's ever a fire at her house, she'd rather still have her name on the church rolls.

Of course, I've told my nephew to ask him the next time this happens if he's wearing his Jesus Jammies or if he's baptized any dead Jews lately, and given the general temperment of my nephew, I fully expect him to carry it too far. I don't feel sorry for Brother Tressler, any more than I feel sorry for beating him in bocce ball the night he had shown up either. (I can't really explain why I'm good at bocce ball, but my grandmother is uncannily good at it.)

Did he not understand that his behavior was rude and insensitive or did he simply not care? A few other Mormons were there, but they seemed to understand the limits. I can't even say it's a Utah vs. Non-Utah Mormon thing as all people who did show up who were Mormon were also like myself, not native to the Beehive state. Anyone else encounter behaviors like this?

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Another deep thought had in the throws of insomnia

2006-08-13T20:38:00.000-04:00

Don't ask me why but it seems that all the really deep answers come to me either when I'm trying to get to sleep or suffering a bout of insomnia. This is always of course, as I'm trying to go to sleep, not suffering through work the next day trying not to fall asleep on my feet.

Lately, I've been calm and happier than usual. I'm not sure why. I've been forgetting to take the anti-depressants for the most part. (Which reminds me, I'll need to remember it tonight.) Perhaps it's because I'm not struggling with the same issues as much as I used to.

For the longest time, I felt I needed some label to give when someone asked me "What religion are you?" Most people assume I am still Mormon if they know anything about me at all. Perhaps if I smoked and drank coffee that impression would fade, but I don't feel the need to do this just to rebel against my upbringing. I simply don't like coffee and sinus problems pretty much prevent me from smoking.

Not only that, I felt I had to belong to some group as if religion is something I needed in my life. Now, I may still join a church for social reasons (although not a Unitarian Universalist one, after listening to one sermon about the myth of individualism, the rugged individualist in me asked repeatedly, "Does this woman really believe the garbage she is spewing?")

Being a Deist is fine with me, why go any deeper than that? It may be useful to have a philosophy to guide my life, but I already have a sense of morals which I find to be pretty useful. True, I had to abandon some of the ones the church taught, but a lot of them, although they could have been taught elsewhere, are useful. The one thing I was never big on which the church is was blind obedience. Sorry, but I'm not going to follow someone just because they claim to be God's personal representative.

I also realized that my relationship with God if I choose to have one is a personal matter. Dogma and doctrine while fascinating simply get in the way of what we're trying to achieve at times. (Perhaps it's an extension of why I've felt more spiritually connected out in the woods than I ever have in a church. Never mind that Mormon buildings are dull, soulless, and lifeless. Put some art up that isn't a picture of a temple of a current prophet please!)

Perhaps this is the end of my search, I don't know. The thing I've also realized is that even though I may have stopped searching for a time, my attempts to grow as a person do not stop. In this, it is the journey that's more important than a destination. In this quest, I see the divine as my guide, not as the father the Mormons pretend he is.

Final Note: If you've noticed the powered by Qumana tags, there's a reason for it. I was looking for a way to write blog entries offline and post them directly to my blog. A program exists for Word that does this. The major problem with this for me is that I use OpenOffice. So, when I saw an add for this, I tried it. It has a few quirks I'd change, but fulfills what I needed fairly well.

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Okay, it's time for a startling revelation....

2006-08-10T20:32:00.000-04:00

If there's one thing in my life, I've been more than open about, it's my left-handedness. I actually enjoy being left-handed even if it does mean I have to put up with a variety of right-handed equipment I can't actually use properly. Most people assume this is due to my innate clumsiness rather than poor design. They can't actually fathom that there is actually a difference between how a left and right handed knife would be constructed for example.

Now, I realize this won't come as a shock to anyone who realizes what the origins of the word sinister actually are, but the name The Sinister Porpoise is actually intended to mean an evil-minded dolphin as the words imply rather than one who favors the opposite flipper.

Why am I now choosing to reveal my left-handedness? Well, if you've read this blog before, you know it's not the first time I've done so. I've been out of the closet when it comes to my hand preference for years. It's not like I have to walk down the street and worry about someone trying to beat up that left-handed freak. Most people wouldn't know even if I were writing right in front of them. (It seems only other left-handed people will notice if someone's writing with their left-hand, I wonder why that is.)

I guess I better get to the point as quickly as I can here. August 13th is International Left-Handers Day. It's a holiday I wish more people would celebrate. Sure, you may not think it's a big deal, but chances are you've never been banned from doing a school newspaper layout because someone bought really cheap scissors that wouldn't cut when used in the left-hand.

It's not a day of appreciation, but right handers can take the time and realize all the little crap that southpaws go through that generally adds up to mostly minor frustration. Most sinistrals learn to deal with this, but I have in the past came across one blog entry from someone who injured their right hand and realized that most equipoment really isn't designed with left-handed use in mind. Reading his rant was entertaining, because he had discovered something I'd known for years. Fortunately, as a natural-born lefty, I'm more adaptable and can deal with it. Let's face it, you have to be. This guy could go back to his comfortable world as soon as his hand healed, but the sinistral lives with being 90 degrees out of phase with the rest of the world all his life.

So, feel free to go pick up a pair of left-handed scissors, corkscrew, can opener, watch (hmmm... why are these always ridiculously more expensive than their counterparts? It isn't that difficult to put the button on the other side.), toothbrush, or bowling ball for that special southpaw in your life. Personally, if you choose me, I'd prefer cash to purchase such items, and will gladly accept donations via Paypal.

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The Quest for Truth

2006-08-09T12:22:00.000-04:00

I scrapped what I'd originally written for this entry. I don't know why, but it seems the quality of what I've put up here hasn't been as high as lately. Call me a perfectionist, but it does bother me.

I will try to remain true to the spirit of the original post, if not I'll just post some of my detective fiction that I've never been able to get off the ground.

The fact is, I did lose a couple things in my life when I left the Mormon church. Sometimes I even think about going back, but a quick reading of Section 132 of the Doctrine & Covenants usually makes me change my mind. Besides as someone who has no intention at the moment of getting married, I'll never achieve the ultimate goal of a Mormon which is to make it into the Celestial Kingdom.

But, on to what it cost me. The first thing I think I've stated before. I lost the comforting feeling of having all the answers. The second I lost was the deep sense of community that existed. I don't know if this is the same in predominantly Mormon areas, but if you live in an area where you know you're in a religious minority, the community tends to be more tightly knit.

Because of the acceptance of absolute truth in my past, I'm not at all willing to accept the claims of anyone who believes that they have all the answers. If they tell me they believe something is true, that's fine, but I will not accept a random person telling me that they know it's true because the Bible tells them so. (How do they know the Bible is true beyond some vague feeling?)

Yet, an issue of a feeling lies at the core of this blog. Logic and simple biology tells me one thing, but my emotions are telling me another. I'm not sure which to follow at times. I wish I could just tell the feelings to go away and deal with the reality of the situation. I guess it worked when I had to deal with my mother's delusions, but not when it comes to things that affect me on a much more personal level.

Yet I find myself more willing to accept gender dysphoric feelings of late. Like my past, which is not always comfortable, ti's part of who I am and what I have become. Strangely enough this has been a recent change in me, perhaps I'm finally starting to overcome all the shame and guilt forced upon me on Mormonism.

For years I had a curious double standard when it came to such things. It was okay if other people were transgendered or gay, but when it came to myself, it never was. Don't ask me why I held myself to a higher standard when it came to this. We can all take a guess, given that we were supposed to be special and were told others held us to a higher standard because we were Mormon. I suppose I should feel some sort of sadness that another part of my Mormon upbringing is shaking away, but it's one that screwed me up royally and I will not miss it. It's nice to turn towards what might be approaching normality rather than have that shadow hanging over me.

Excuse me, but I think I'm having some feelings of anger come on that are familiar to many of us as our personal and spiritual journeys take us farther away from the “one true church.”

Good Ol' Cousin Floyd

2006-08-07T16:06:00.000-04:00

Normally, I could care less who won the Tour De France. And normally, I'd be inclined to believe that the French really did temper with Floyd Landis's sample, simply because the French seem to have problems with Americans winning the Tour De France. (No offense, but if you accuse someone of cheating five times with no evidence, it would make it believable.) Now tensions between the United States and France have been a little high since the start of the war in Iraq, and most Americans view the French, as the Simpsons put it as “cheese-eating surrender monkeys.” (Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A: Nobody knows, it's never been attempted.)

It's the sort of story I wish I could ignore, but unfortunately Floyd Landis and I share the same last name. If I even here my first or last name, it attracts my attention, so naturally, whether I've wanted to or not, I've followed this story. For the record, I watch one sporting event every four years, and it's not the Olympics. It's the World Cup. Okay, so I watched Italian soccer matches while working at a local pizza shop, but that's because it was the only thing on RAI International that I could understand. (I did follow the Superbowl this year, but only because I had a bet involving a gallon of Thin Mint Cookie Ice Cream riding on it. I lost, but as the Pennsylvania team won, it wasn't much of a loss.)

Now, while I have my doubts about the validity of the accusation, they are superseded by my suspicion that Cousin Floyd (note: we are probably not actually related, and if we are, it's distant.) really did do the deed he was accused of. It's not like he'd be the first athlete to have done so. He just got caught.

If it turns out he isn't guilty after all, I'll feel the same feeling of pride I did when I heard that he won. After all, he carries the same name and comes from the same state I do. (Although not the same area.) If not, I'll happily point out that it's just a coincidence we have the same last name.

I am The Sinister Porpoise

2006-08-04T19:33:00.000-04:00

One or two things have been bothering me lately. The first is relatively minor and I'm not entirely sure I understand my objection to it, but if you're going to link to me, my nickname here is The Sinister Porpoise

People referring to me as Sinister Porpoise in comments or on message boards doesn't bother me, but if you link to me on the Internet, I'd prefer it if you'd use the full alias or the name of the site. You can also refer to me as "that unimaginative, crazy jerk who picks on the one true church" but that link might make readers think of someone else including some Mormons like Robert Kirby of Jeff Lindsey. (They may also confuse me with the Myspace Sinister Porpoise or the band of the same name.)

The other thing, of equally great importance is the term 'disaffected Mormon undergound' or DAMU. I rather think that New Order Mormons should belong to this category rather than blogs written by apostates. After all, we've left the church and can no longer be part of any underground. The New Order Mormons go here, in my opinion. They are the ones who choose to stay in the church after all.

I wish I could say I don't understand the position of the New Order Mormons, but unfortunately, I think I can understand it very well. The church after all offers a tight-knit if rather dysfunctional extended famiily. Not that this is the only reason to stay, sometimes there are issues with a your real family and you stay in the church to keep the peace.

But some people have mistakenly put Outer Blogness and DAMU in the same category. The boys in Salt Lake will never listen to the bitter apostates who obviously left so they could sin or were offended by some crying, middle aged woman taking up too much of our testimony time on the first Sunday of the month. If they realize there's a growing movement of people who don't believe and aren't happy with church policies the tune of the Brethren will change, especially if tithing money drops.

To me, the term underground conveys a more active resistance movement, and since I got out, I have no need to be part of a resistance movement in the Mormon organization.

Carnival of the Veil Week 12: Bread and Porpoises

2006-08-03T09:46:00.000-04:00

Step right up and see the wonders of this weeks Carnival of the Veil! We bring the finest of posts from around the Ex and Post Mormon world to you the reader. Tonight we have a very special guest ringmaster, The Sinister Porpoise.

Matt from Not A Mormon relates a tale of a beat up Mormon missionary. For those who may be wondering, this Matt is not the same Matt who ran the other NotA Mormon site. Read more here Mormon Missionary Got Beat UP

Eight Hour Lunch talks about the various languages he's studied during the course of his life. Personally, the part about Spanish brings up this German phrase: Das kammt mir Spanisch vor. And as a student of Latin myself, I can't help but think of Seneca's famous quote: Rident Stolidi Verba Latina. Read more here www.eighthourlunch.com/archives/20060731.php#language Let's just hope the church doesn't get any ideas about bringing back the pater familias.

The normal ringmaster and gracious host for many Carnivals of the Veil talks about attending a Mormon baptism as an apostate and the social repercussions of it. What a shame Mormons cannot respect a decision to leave the church. Read more here:
Attending a Mormon Baptism

Not having an extensive dating career myself, I can't say I'm really sure what Trixie Granny is talking about, but it seems to be about the aftermath of a breakup. Well, I'm sure other people will be able to sort it out better than I. Read more here Trixie Granny's Blog

C.L. Hansen from Letters from A Broad discusses being on the “Mommy Track.” Personally, I prefer having nieces and nephews. I can have all of the fun and none of the responsibility. Read more here: lfab-uvm.blogspot.com/2006/08/im-on-mommy-track.html#links

Darque from Heart of Darqueness offers a variety of video clips. Unfortunately, while I can watch them, I have odd technical issues with my sound card that can't be fixed. If you're more fortunate than I, watch the videos here darqueheart.blogspot.com/2006/07/lost-in-translation.html#links

Sideon from Sideon's Sanctuary compares Mormon Garments to chastity belts. I never went through the temple, so I never experienced wearing garments, but from what I understand wearing a chastity belt would be somewhat more comfortable. Read more here sideon.blogspot.com/

Over at Sons of Perdition they ask the eternal question of how to determine whose God is stronger. Read more here: sonsofperdition.blogspot.com/

Here at the Lair I ask to be woken up when September ends, read below. I'd quote it for you, but that would be redundant and arrogant. See the world's most intelligent cetacean sleep with one eye open.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

2006-07-31T17:35:00.000-04:00

I just heard Greenday's Wake Me Up When September Ends on the radio. Unfortunately, since I've moved all I can listen to music on is a small tv/radio combo that currently doesn't pick up any television stations so the quality isn't very good.

Given that this area has what is typically oppressive humidity during the summer and we've been in something of a heat wave, it's been tempting to sleep through a couple of weeks until cooler temperatures arrive. I won't get into a debate on the various merits of Greenday's music. At least when it comes to music, I realized fairly young that I'll listen to whatever I want and if that includes The Beatles twenty years after they were popular so be it. (Not that I am old enough to have listened to The Beatles when they were still recording music. Heck, John Lennon's assassination occurred three years after I was born.)

Now although it would be tempting to sleep so long, humans are not naturally hibernating creatures. Besides, the bar across the street from my apartment would probably wake me up late night in Mid-August.

But in a more metaphorical sense I have been sleeping for most of my life. Sleeping to the truth of the church, ignoring the nightmares when it came to questions of my own identity and just generally not being involved in the world at large.

Certainly, finding out the church wasn't the truth it claimed to be was a rude awakening, even if I'd lapsed into a comfortable agnosticism for many years and had become inactive. Do you ever why the church simply can't remove members who no longer attend rather than trying to reactivate them? It'd be so much easier on everyone. I don't know if our names are still on roles in Salt Lake somewhere included in their boasting or not. It's simply not that important to me. Everyone who does the research knows the church's numbers are about 1/3rd of the twelve million people it claims.

I must admit the temptation to quote the horrible Dune movie here is overwhelming Fortunately, I'll spare you. If you've seen the version that came out in the early 1980's you know how lame it is. If you haven't, just read the book. It's a more rewarding experience. But usually sometime in early adulthood our internal sleeper does awaken and we find ourselves confronting questions about religion, sexuality, our place in the universe, and what if any, is our purpose in life.

It's a confusing process and I must say for me it occurred somewhat later than it should have for others. Whether this is common for Mormons in general or whether I'm just a late bloomer, I can't really say. Certainly there were some denial issues.

Apparently I had to deal and still deal with my own equivalent of internalized homophobia. I didn't want to admit I had issues simply because I didn't want to be part of what was considered the 'queer' community.

I'm not sure what to do about this sort of self-hatred unfortunately. It still exists within me. Perhaps bringing it up in counseling might bring about some sort of direction in fixing the problem if that is at all possible. At least I know I am not alone in this. Religion tends to foster this sort of guilt in people the fundamentalist denominations feel need “fixed” in someway. And such denominations usually have snake oil salesman willing to try to sell people their Jesus as the magical cure all.

I know therapy can bring some people with gender issues to the point of being able to deal with it, but with like many other mental conditions, it's not a cure it's simply learning to deal with an existing condition, like I've learned to deal or not deal with my Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Groups I never thought I'd be a member of...

2006-07-29T17:09:00.000-04:00

I must admit when I started this I never intended to be what is part of Outer Blogness. I also intended to intertwine serious posts with more light posts more often than I do.

I must admit that although the title bugged me at first, I do not mind being part of “Outer Blogness.” It's amazing how comfortable I can be with being a part of a group whose existence I never even guessed until about a week ago seeing Viva Ned Flanders complain about not being part of another group whose existence I had not guessed of called the Bloggernacle.

Now if Viva Ned Flanders wants to be part of this, I feel they should be. Whether the church likes it or not, New Order Mormons are a growing phenomenon.
Well, I feel for them, and if the fine folks over there ever decide to come over to Outer Blogness, we should certainly welcome them.

But discussions like this make me wonder what other groups I may be a part of and am simply not aware of. Let's see I'm aware of being left-handed, Ex-Mormon, Deist, role player, currently and to my shame a McDonald's employee (although this has been a great if unintentional weight loss tool. No, I can't explain it but I'm nearly down two pants sizes.), blogger, and several others I'm forgetting. But is there some secret cabal of left-handed, Ex-Mormon transgendered folks that I've been included in that I don't know about? If so, I want in now. If it's anything like my inclusion in the Outer Blogness category I'll probably stumble into the meetings by completing the initiation rituals without ever realizing that I had in fact done so. It probably involves obscure Latin quotes somewhere, or at least I hope so.

I suppose this happens to us all of the time. Certainly, at birth we get assigned to groups we never actually chose to be a member of (white, black, Asian, Native American, male, female, Mormon, Jewish, member of our particular family, etc.) But usually as we go through life we typically choose our associations thereafter. So, I find the situation with the blogging category I fall into slightly amusing.

They Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

2006-07-28T10:12:00.000-04:00

I sometimes like to take walks at night during the summer. One reason for this is because it's cooler, although I still have to deal with the typically oppressive humidity of Pennsylvania's summers. The other reason for this is because I am more by nature a night owl than a person who will willingly wake up in the morning to the sound of an alarm clock.

Still, the walks through my hometown let me see what has changed over the years and it is not always for the better in my opinion, although changes themselves are inevitable. Probably one of the changes I like the least happened a long time ago.
When I was younger, I used to play in a playground that belonged to what used to be the town's High School. The High School had long since moved and the building was closed, but the borough then maintained it. The road on a hill leading down to it was too difficult to plough, so it was closed off during the winter and I used to go sledding down that particular hill.

Someone bought it when I was in High School and the place is now a retirement center. Now, instead of the playground behind the school, there's a parking lot.

Towards the other end of the town, there used to be a shoe factory. As a result, most of the streets going down that particular hill are one way to discourage people from using them. The shoe factory has long since closed and new businesses have occupied the building, yet the legacy of the confusing one way streets remains even though most people will no longer remember why all those streets are one way downhill to begin with.

The Junior High I went to is now a Middle School which my nephew will be attending this fall, and the physical therapy center on the corner of the block where I live used to be a drug store.

Changes in life are inevitable. I myself am not immune although most of the changes I've made in my life have been for the better, or at least I hope that that is the case. I'm certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago, but then ten years ago I was in denial about so many things it wasn't even funny. I have since faced some of my psychological problems and have become more stable as a result. (Although at times I wonder exactly how stable this is.)

But if I hadn't changed, I would be rather miserable and angry instead of the calmer and somewhat easy-going person I am now. It's not that I don't get angry or passionate about things, it's just that I get angry about much less now and there tends to be a far more valid reason for it, rather than just snapping out because years of mistreatment had left me bitter. It is for this reason when I cross someone who seems to have a lousy temper, I often wonder what in the past had happened to them. True, some people just have horrible tempers to begin with, but there's often something else going on. In my case the anger was a mask for my anxiety. It was much better to appear courageous and upset than afraid.

I have touched many times on the value of introspection, and because of introspection I can sometimes recognize flaws in myself that need to be changed. Unfortunately, I do not perceive myself through unbiased filters, so I recognize its limits as well and do not automatically discount someone who tells me something about myself I disapprove of. Instead, I try to remember if others have said something similar. If so, the person may have a point, if not, they're probably just saying it to be mean.

Fear and Doubt

2006-07-26T11:44:00.002-04:00

I wonder if I'd have an easier time deciding what to write about today if I smoked pot. Drugs are something I've never had any real desire to do, thankfully. Still, there are times when writer's block hits and you realize there's very little you can do about, except write on crappily and hope you hit upon something. Maybe I should give up on trying to post once a day. It's not like this is a daily column and I have to write it.

I realize my spiritual journey has been stalled and I have made little progress since I entered the fear stage. This is sort of the thing that keeps me from moving forward in most areas when I really need to make progress and it is something that I must overcome.

It's been the same way throughout most of my life. I always hold myself back instead of doing what might be best for me because I'm afraid of how others will view me. I know I shouldn't care, but this is one of those earliest training things that is so hard to shake off. How often is a young Mormon told that he or she should avoid even the appearance of evil? As slightly twisted things go, this is better than the attitude of “Endure to the End.” (How many Mormons does this keep miserable because they don't do anything to improve the situations they find themselves in? Just
continue as things are and you'll be rewarded sometime after you die.)

Add to that considerable self-doubt and doubt about religious experiences related to a family drama that occurred two years ago. I feel that I should be over it, but find it still affects me. Is there anyway to get past fear and self-doubt other than conquering it? Probably not. I just wish there was some magical courage pill that would just cause these issues to go away, but much like my poor coordination, it'll probably continue to plague me for the rest of my life.

On Writing

2006-07-25T11:07:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many bloggers blog because writing is one of their hobbies. I'm certainly one and have found a way to make it pay slightly, too. While I'd love to write full time professionally, I have not been able to find a way to do it yet. Whether this because I do not write well enough, haven't put enough effort into it, or my range of interests is too limited in scope is a matter I have to decide for myself.

But the truth is most blogs I come across bore me. Sometimes this is because I'm simply not interested in the topic, or other times they are written so poorly even allowing for the lower level of writing quality you see on blogs in general that they do not hold my interest. I will not name any such blogs. The blogs I link to are almost always well-written. For this reason it annoys me when I see an error that could have easily been corrected by me if I had taken a little time to proofread. (For example I used “conversed” instead of “converted” in a recent entry.) Hopefully, typing my entries up in OpenOffice before hand and editing them a few hours later will help cut down on this sort of thing. (Good grief, will Blogger ever introduce a program that will let me post my OpenOffice files directly? It exists for Word.)

I'm sure anyone who has even a casual interest in writing will tell you that there are times when they just know something that they've written is good. Rarely do they cry out, “Here, look at this brilliant peace of literature I've written you uneducated morons.” It's enough for them to know what they have produced is good.

Part of this has to do with what I like to think of as the metaphysics of writing. Even non-fiction tends to be a subconscious process at times where the words just flow from your mind to your fingertips and out through the pen or keyboard. As a side effect of this, particularly if you are writing about yourself you will often express emotions you're feeling but may not have intended to in this relatively free form style.
If you let your own likes, dislikes, feelings come out, your writing will be better. Even if you're an angry ranter, at least it will be a good rant. What you don't want to do is say before hand, “I'm going to put these emotions into this piece.” It simply doesn't work like that, although your frame of mind before sitting down may contribute greatly.

And if you blog, don't just do it because you think it's cool or feel you should. Your readers want to see you be passionate about something. They want to know that you believe what you say. They may not always agree with you and you may get angry letters or comments from them, but strangely enough, they'll probably continue coming back to see what you have to say even if this is the case.

A Guest Post

2006-07-24T16:42:00.000-04:00

I have not written today's post. Instead, I asked someone to share her experiences with her religion, given that my own writings tend to be slanted against Mormonism slightly and give only one perspective. She comes from a Pentecostal background, which seems to be just as Fundamentalist as the Mormon outlook, although they differ lightyears from each other in theology. Brittany Sue is a bit shy about her writing, so go easy on her if you leave comments.
-Melanie, aka The Sinister Porpoise

by Brittany Sue

I sat on the pew and squirmed as the well-meaning Pentecostal Preacher drove home the clothesline doctrine. My fear of God made me want to jump up and run out as I listened to the sermon on effeminate men.

I thought back to the days of my youth. Memories of being picked on and friendless for being "girlish" came to mind along with those of long evenings alone reading my Bible.

Jesus was my Lord and my hero. I longed for the wisdom of Solomon and the strength of Samson. Inside I felt like Esther and wondered what it would be like to be a damsel in a king's harem to please him alone.

It was my mother that taught me to cook and clean house. Later she taught me to sew. She was my friend and role model. In later years when depression and suicidal thoughts came she was my drinking buddy. It was Jesus that brought her words to mind in those days. It was she that told me that if I always trusted the Lord he would see me through unto the end.

I sat through many sermons like that. The words that were preached spoke out about the very things that I had no control over. They stayed long after the service was over. What should have been beautiful, glorious and comforting brought pain and guilt instead.

The guilt of knowing that I would have loved to be able to wear the beautiful long dresses and shake the tambourines was comforted only by the inner peace of as I beheld my Lord in the Laws and prophets.

The men of the church meant no harm with their male-dominant talk. It tore at me and I tried to fit in but as with sports and the military, I just couldn't be like them.

They wanted to keep their wives in subjection and backed the doctrine that kept their wives in long hair and long dresses. The things I longed for.

They strove to "be the man" and the "head of their house." I fought to hide my feminine mannerisms and not betray my inner feelings.

In time the Lord would take me through many scriptures to comfort me as the churches rejected me. As he comforted me he took me beyond the limitations of their doctrines.

My longing to be a bride was revealed as a longing to wear the white gown of his righteousness and to be veiled from head to foot with the covering of his spirit.

My longing to be as Esther in the harem, or house of women was revealed to be my desire to dwell in the kingdom of God forever.

Step by step he comforted me and just as the word of God is line upon line I saw how he was with me all along.

Just as Paul prayed about a thorn in his flesh and received no healing so did I.

I am one of many stars that differ in glory for is will. I can go and share my Lord where many straight people can't.

I am as the filth of the world and as the off scouring of all things. I am saved.

The Ex-Mormon Blogosphere is a bit like talk radio...

2006-07-24T12:45:00.000-04:00

I listen to talk radio. I consider it one of my vices, but it's a fairly harmless one. Despite the bad press they get most talk radio show hosts are not hate mongers, they're just expressing a different viewpoint, although there are exceptions like Michael Savage, and I even listen to him. (Not too often, his ranting gets on my nerves after awhile.)

If there's one thing I don't get it's why they don't like the blogsophere. It's not like we're even serious competition to them. Most blogs have a few readers and are posted to by relatively unknown individuals. I understand political opposition to the bloggers who disagree with them, but they spend way too much time giving too much attention to a relatively small and not widely read medium. Perhaps it's because the blogsophere can represent a threat to them. One which ironically, they help create by drawing attention to the lone blogger slogging away at a keyboard. The reaction the media has to them is much the same the talk radio shows have to us. Perhaps it's understandable.

What I don't understand is why I should be included in this mess since I rarely comment on political issues here. I don't even update the political related blog I do have all that often. If I'm personally attacking them, they're free to attack back, although I have greater options for suing since I am not a public figure, but if I leave them alone, why should I be included with those who do have an ax to grind with the radio talk show hosts?

I can understand if Mormons wanted to send me hate mail. I do after all occasionally attack the church, and my mindset was the same as theirs was before I left. If you ever read Recovery from Mormonism, many ex-Mormons still maintain a defensive mindset about their new beliefs, rather than shaking off the training and learning to think a little about the new possibilities that are open to them for studying other religions now that they no longer need to worry themselves about absolute truth.
In fact, many of them decide on atheism as an absolute truth and expect others to come to the same conclusion. I'll acknowledge the possibility that there may not be a God, although I do believe in one. In fact, Ex-Mormon website owners are often like the radio talk show hosts themselves. We're sometimes loud and opinionated and a few of us spend too much time trying to expose the church as a fraud. Some of us greatly exaggerate the truth to do so. At least most of the bloggers I link to are reasonable. (One may not be, but he has a right to be in that particular list of links.)

We're also unfortunately, like the radio talk show hosts, usually preaching to the choir. We're not going to change the mind of any believer if they truly want to believe. Although I know many of you are not avid fantasy readers like I am, the Wizard's First Rule (also a book by Terry Goodkind) applies: “People can be made to believe any lie either because they want it to be true or are afraid it might be.” Whether the lie part applies to them or us is subject to debate, unfortunately a detailed study reveals that the lie part applies to both sides of the issue. It's why it is necessary to sort through any Mormonism information you find online and check the validity of its sources.

But in the end although the anger over being lied to is understandable, it does not help our cause if we cannot present our case in as calm and rational a manner as possible. It helps if you can write well, too. (Fortunately, I have very little to criticize in that area about the blogs that I link to.) The truth will come out, it's just a matter of getting it out there and being patient. Remember, True Believing Mormons don't want to learn their entire belief system is based on a lie. I know I certainly didn't

Another blog I found...

2006-07-23T04:44:00.000-04:00

(Note: If you click the ads, please do me a favor and do not click on CrispAds. They seem to be having problems processing payments. If you don't, well, I can't force you, but I do make a habit of clicking other blogger's ads when I see them.)

I have to admit the last blog entry was somewhat painful to write, and even to me not all that interesting. Of course, the entries dealing with my more personal entries to this blog are often difficult for me and deal a lot with a personal angst which at times even I find irritating.

Not much can be done about it though, the situation is often confusing for the individual, and unlike others I have not been able to find peace in some fashion with who and what I am. Perhaps it's because I'm the type of person who will dwell too much on issues rather than do something about them. For various reasons, it is one I'm uncomfortable broaching with people. Much like the possible recommendation that a friend I've had for years should see a therapist because he's been depressed ever since I've known him. Most people take offense if you suggest they see a shrink. Even though he knows of the issues I personally have and the issues that led up to my mother's death, it's still not something I'd do lightly.

Even when I resolve to take a leap forward, I still hold myself back and often feel stupid for doing so. How can I expect to make any progress if I don't communicate how I feel to others? I'm not talking about this blog. Most of the people who comment here are wonderful and supportive of my eccentricities.

Yet even though I've floundered about, people still found this site worthy of submitting to directories. I'm not sure why. I'm just one blogger out of many and I'm sure other people explain the situation slightly better and with less fear showing through their posts. I've included one such link right above the Carnival of the Veil bloggers links. I think on the whole she gives a better idea of what its like to actually go through the process. I haven't found many specifically tg blogs, and if I find one worthy of mention, I'll link to it. Click the link to Lilac's Garden if you need a little more information.

Possible reasons for my celibacy

2006-07-22T18:51:00.000-04:00

I'm celibate. It's something people really don't understand when you tell them. Being gay or straight they can understand, but having no interest in sex seems completely alien and they assume I'm either lying or something is wrong with me psychologically.

I won't argue that there's something wrong with me psychologically, in fact I wonder if my lack of interest in sex in general has psychological roots, but I'd be wrong to entirely discount the role of the Mormon church when it comes to me not expressing any sort of interest in what is one of the strongest instincts in any sort of animal. There's probably additional irony in that the animal I use for my screen name, like humans, is one of the few that will have sex for fun.

(The Sinister Porpoise although on hiatus would like to remind you all he doesn't share Melanie's opinions or proclivities in this area.)

In fact, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is one of the few where it's expressly implied that men are to remain virgins before marriage and will get lessons of indoctrination that may or may not, like it did to me, leave me afraid of the act itself and viewing it as a dirty thing. I don't know if that's the only reason I have no interest, but it certainly is a major factor in my decision not to seek romantic partners. I think it's also a subconscious desire to avoid the sort of relationship my parents had. I suppose Freud would have a field day with me, but then any psychologist or psychiatrist could write a ground breaking book on my family in general.

4000 visitors

2006-07-20T13:49:00.000-04:00

Since this blog has been up, I've had about 4,000 visitors. I don't have an exact count due to problems with the counters – one didn't count all the hits and was recently hacked and the one that just counted them no longer works and has since been removed from the site.

What I often find most strange are the searches I get. Although this is changing, the vast majority of them have been for song lyrics. A good number have been for Mormonism, and I got a few people searching for the name of someone who left a comment here. Site meters are in fact a useful tool to let you see who has been visiting your website. I'm also surprised to see my site has been submitted to several directories, as I'm sure I didn't do it.

I'm appreciative of those who helped keep this blog going. I wasn't sure that'd survive so long and I'm also amazed that almost no one who knows me in real life has discovered my secret.

Of course, I'm bragging, who wouldn't? Almost every blog I've seen has some point where they celebrate whether it's the 100th post, 1000th visitor, or just some life milestone they took. It is also roughly the anniversary of when I got my exit letter, causing me to exit the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints officially. (Note to ye Blogger Editors: Leave this alone. I don't care how the church wants to refer to itself. That's the name it had when I was growing up. They can deal with it.)

But the truth is that you've read this far is that such posts are boring, I mean, yeah 4,000 visitors is great for me, but do you really care? Probably not. If you're a blogger, you're more interested in the success of your own blog. It's not selfish, it's just enlightened self-interest.

Now, according to the archives, this blog was started last September. It was a way for me to work out issues and just in general get some frustrations out. It's focus has shifted slightly, I don't think I originally intended to talk so much about previous religious affiliations, but as Robert Burns said, “the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley.”

The Internal conflict

2006-07-18T20:48:00.000-04:00

I must admit I still feel a lot of guilt for feeling the way I do. I also fear that some day my secret will come out to the people I call friends. While the blessing of such a situation may be finding out who my true friends are. At times I'm tempted to tell them although my usual fear of their reaction keeps my tongue in check. Which if you know me, it is in fact strangely silent for me to be silent on any topic around people I know. I guess we all have our secrets. At work, there's only one person who knows anything about my religious past, although I could have “outed” myself in this regard when I almost corrected someone for using “Mormon” to mean “moron.” Fortunately, prudence stopped me.

Of course, living in the Internet age is wonderful. You can quickly find information on any topic through a few quick keystrokes. Of course, it may not always be reliable information as anyone forced to do most of their Mormonism research online will tell you. Thankfully, I do not intend to discuss anything Mormon related today so please forgive the slight slip there. Back on track, I must admit that I've hated myself for a long time. Apparently, it's quite common among people who the documents from what I assume to be psychiatrists call “non-heteronormative.”

Still, I can't get over the feeling of guilt for wanting to be female. True, religion can mess up your mind in this regard, but it's not just that in this case. Like it or not, we do soak up the attitudes of those around us. We may consciously reject them, but something will still nag at our subconscious or a different part of your mind.

My father is and was severely homophobic. I don't really blame him, he's generally a good person but even good people can be misguided. I've mentioned before his rants against Elton John whenever he'd appear on television. At times I think it'd be disappointing to him should I tell him. (As a side note, there was a story about him getting hit on by gays. For years we just thought gay men went after him. A little bit of the story came out later. It turns out he was in a gay bar when it happened. Well, I don't know what he was doing there, but it doesn't seem he has a right to be offended by the actions of others in this case.) I think whether he realized it or not, he contributed to my own feelings of guilt and self-loathing that I still can't quite overcome.

I don't know if it'll cause a family rift or not, at the same point I find myself no longer wanting to continue trying to fight myself over it. Whether I like it or not, I've got issues and they simply aren't going to go away by my ignoring of them. You'd think as an avoidant personality I'd know from experience that that doesn't work, but on the other hand, it's also if I'm using the correct term my “comfort zone.” Of course, on the other hand, the internal struggle although familiar isn't really a comfort zone for me. At times I feel like I really don't want to be transgendered and wish the feelings would go away. Well, experience has at least taught me that it doesn't quite work like that no matter how much I or others may wish it.

The truth is I'm getting sick of having to hide it all the time. I just want to be myself more often and wish circumstances were such that that could be possible all the time.

Weird Aspects of Mormonism

2006-07-17T21:07:00.000-04:00

In some ways I realize I was lucky to be born into the church. No, I'm not stating that I somehow was more valiant in some pre-mortal existence and was lucky enough to be born into a Mormon family. Of course, the implication there would be that my parents who conversed were somehow less righteous than I was. That may or may not be true, as I realize over the years I do have my own moral failings, which have nothing to do with the things I focus on on this site.

It's okay, I've learned not to be perfect over the years, but many who read this are wondering why I'd consider myself lucky to be born into the Church. I have a great love for weird things, so much so that I can spend on hours on sites like David Ickes where he claims that there's a reptilian conspiracy and the Mormon leadership is in on it, but studying church history has let me know there's enough weirdness within the church itself without having to make up wild conspiracy theories. I mean how many religions can tell you the planet God lives on?

Of course a lot of the weirdness has been shied away from and if not actively denied, it is no longer taught like the Adam-God doctrine and some things while I'm not entirely sure are true, I'm convinced if they were said they were said because the church leaders knew the people who followed them would believe anything they said. In this category are the infamous quaker men on the moon. I'm sorry but I really don't think Brigham Young believed that and the scientists of his day probably did know that the moon was lifeless. Blood Atonement isn't necessarily weird, but for obvious reasons, I'm glad it was discarded as a doctrine of the church.

Not to mention the bizarre ideas like God impregnating Mary which I must admit I was never taught and the church seems to have shifted now more to the idea of the immaculate conception although I've had several people theorize that it was artificial insemination. Add to that other ideas about supernatural sex including the assumption that spirits are produced through the same act through which people are produced. (No wonder the church is so bent on opposing any issues that don't lead to more spirits in the celestial kingdom. But with all the gods there creating premortal spirits with their multiple wives, don't you think it's getting a little crowded?) Too bad the church is strangely silent on how long the gestation period for spirits is and whether or not women will have periods in heaven. I do recall being told that if we made it into the celestial kingdom to check our pants because that part of the body would still work. (You may find this blasphemous, but remember, according to Mormon doctrine, I'm already going to the Telestial Kingdom.)

And what discussion of Mormon weirdness would be complete without a discussion of garments. (My sister tie-dyed a pair of my father's once, I can only imagine the rant that ensued.) I mean yes, people wear things like crosses or holy symbols all the time believing that they'll give protection, but isn't underwear a little bulky? I realize one of this is to ensure modest standards of dress, but the garments make me glad I never went to a temple. I like wearing shorts.

Of course as much as I love weirdness, it doesn't change the fact that I probably wouldn't smoke or drink even outside of the church because my parents didn't, but of course, the fact that I don't know and have pretty much curbed swearing will probably mean to a Mormon that I really still accept the gospel deep down and should return back into the fold.

A strange trip

2006-07-16T12:35:00.000-04:00

I went to the store a few days ago. This in itself is not unusual, I do it every so often but my intent was. I actually intended to go there to buy women's clothing. I must admit that I'll often look at the racks in the stores, but go past them for fear of what others will think.

Partly this is because I live in a small town where everyone knows everybody else. I just don't want to hear any rumors about the cross dresser. If there are a few people in the town who do and do so in public I'm blissfully unaware of them. Then again, I'm not the type who would talk to most of the people in my hometowhn. They're the NASCAR, Beer and country music types which I have little in common with. Although I may be slightly religious, I'd probably not hang out with the more fundamentalist Christian types. There are a few who can carry on discussions about history but not many and even if they do, it's mostly about World War II.

In any case, I've gotten slightly off track. I walk to the store which is roughly about a mile or two from where I live in walk in. There are a couple people there as I deliberately chose a time when it'd be late in the day to avoid as many people as possible.

What I purchased really doesn't matter as I don't intend to go out in public like that, but strangely enough that clerk said nothing. He looked at me a little strangely but that was about it. Still, I think I'd prefer to keep purchasing non-traditional clothing online and hope it comes in packages where it's contents aren't easily identifiable.

2006-07-14T20:57:00.000-04:00

Well, I have Internet access back and I'm happy about it. I missed the Carnival of the Veil last week, but for now that's okay I'll be back in it next week I think. The reasons for it are pretty much as stated. I could not access this blog from the library although I found out I could post to it via e-mail. Well, as I was focuessed more on getting things set up I wasn't too worried about posting here.

While I still will participated in the Carnival of the Veil, I just don't want to turn my site over to Mormonism exclusively. I've written quite a bit about it as befits someone who was raised in the religion, but this site is also about other things that interest me.

I also found myself falling into a common trap of doing something just because I felt I had to and thought that's what others would want to read about. Admittedly, I don't much care for Boyd K. Packer, but I don't need to dwell on him either.

I'll now have slightly more time to devote to blogging and less need to worry about someone reading over my shoulder. Not to mention that as the time of year heads away from events of two years ago that led up to my mother's death I find myself coming out of the funk I was in. Well, I'll be back later.

What's been going on...

2006-07-13T11:24:00.000-04:00

Well, the phone will be hooked up today. I may
not be able to get online from home yet because it
seems the modem I took out of an older Gateway
computer will not work in my younger, but still aging
Dell.

The move has been completed at least for the most
part and I don't have that to worry about, on the
other hand it seems I can only post via e-mail and I
absolutely hate the way Yahoo adds the taglines to any
message you send.

Well, I'll be back up in a few days I hope when
I've got the new modem in and my people PC access
back.

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Intellectuals are a danger to the church

2006-06-27T17:44:00.000-04:00

Well, the move is two days a way and while I didn't have time to do what I wanted to do which was research some of the whackier untruths about Mormonism and post some of the whacky truths, I may be able to scrape together a short piece for this weeks Carnival of the Veil.

I'm not even going to take the easy way out and talk about Jeffrey Nielsen's firing from BYU for speaking out on gay marriage. It's an issue I don't oppose, but don't campaign for, either. Besides, I'm sure everything will work out all right for Professor Nielsen since the story attracted national attention.

No, instead I think I'll wonder why intellectuals would be a danger to the church. Of course, this comes from the stupid quotes of Boyd K. Packer file, and perhaps I should let it go since it's years since he said "Feminists, homosexuals, and so-called intellectuals are a danger to the church."

It would be one thing if this was just said and let go, but the church has a habit of discommunicating people who write truthfully about it. In recent years they tried to excommunicate someone for claiming that Native Americans had no Semitic DNA (and why is this a surprise to anyone?) and they disfellowshipped Grant Palmer for writing An Insider's View of Mormon Origins.

Unlike feminists and homosexuals, who as far as I can tell represent no real danger to the church even from his confused viewpoint, I think intellectuals who write and research honestly about the history of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They've unfortunately backed themselves into a corner by demanding black and white thinking of the members and if they dared let the truth go out instead of what they feed the faithful, there'd be many questions.

Strangely, what I don't see is any sort of preparation for the eventual release of the information. It wouldn't be a surprise to anyone that an organization has a less than stellar history and that not every member was a Saint (in the Catholic sense, not the Mormon sense.) No, instead they still attack the messengers.

There are those out there who might have stayed in the church if it were honest about its history. The church might lose a few members if it suddenly came out and revealed that not all the details of the Joseph Smith story were entirely accurate, but I think the vast majority would continue to stay either for cultural or social reasons. As it is, they only anger those who find out about the real history doing simple web searches (well, I don't know how simple they are, a lot of information about Mormonism is misleading and you have to sort out the crap on both sides.)

Now, can someone tell me why feminists or homosexuals are a danger to this organization? He's lost me on that one.